Is She Really Going Out With Him? (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 39)

Continued from Episode 38 - 'I Hear You Knocking'

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Episode 1 - Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, are on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock.  Josiah and Archibald are blissfully unaware that they are under surveillance, or, in the case of Archibald, just blissfully unaware:

D.S. Stone was finding his position more than a bit uncomfortable.  As per instructions from his superior, he was trying to ‘keep an eye on them two buggers, I don’t trust them an inch!’  ‘Them two buggers’, in this case, being the two undertakers, they had followed all the way from the south coast.  He was trying to peer between the headrests, without being seen, and without losing sight of his targets.  His concentration was disrupted when a pack of sandwiches landed, violently, in his lap.

“Here y’are, get them down yer!” D.I. Wood announced as he threw himself into the reclining chair next to his colleague.

D.S. Stone picked up the packet and examined the contents, carefully.

“Egg and cress?”

“Yeah, what’s wrong with that, eh?  Good for you, that is!”  D.I. Wood said, firmly.

“Didn’t they have anything else?”

“Not much” D.I. Wood shook his head as he prised his way into his pack, “anyway, I thought you’d like those, what with you being into healthy eating and all that”

“I do like to eat healthily, wherever possible, that’s true, sir but…egg and cress?  It must be the world’s most boring sandwich!  What have you got?”

“Salad”

“Salad?” D.S. Stone looked astonished.

“Well, mostly salad” D.I. Wood confirmed between mouthfuls.

“Really?  Like what?”

“Well, there’s lettuce and tomato”

“Lettuce and tomato?  It’s a BLT, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, and?  I don’t know why you’re getting your knickers in a twist!  It’s mostly salad, isn’t it?  Just as healthy as yours, really!”  D.I. Wood munched contentedly, “Any road, what’s been going on with the Grateful Dead over there?  You have been watching them this time?  Not fallen asleep again?”

“I did not fall asleep before!” D.S. Stone said, indignantly, “As a matter of fact, I’ve got something interesting to report”

“Go on, then”

“Well, when you went to find some food, the one you call Lurch trotted off.  I was going to follow him but he was back a few minutes later.  There was some to-ing and fro-ing with the other one, then he wrote something on a bit of paper for Lurch and Lurch went off again, so this time I followed him.  You’ll never guess where he went?” D.S. Stone smirked.

“To the Captain’s Table for a gala dinner?  How the hell should I know where he went!”  D.I. Wood spluttered through his sandwich.

“Well,” D.S. Stone continued, brushing crumbs from his jacket, “first off, he knocked on the door of one of the cabins and, guess whose cabin it was?” D.I. Wood glared at him, so he went on, “Only that couple off the plane, the ones who made all the fuss, remember?”

“Yeah, he was a mousy little bloke wasn’t he but she wasn’t half bad as I recall.  Bit mouthy, for my taste, but there you are” D.I. Wood nodded.

“I thought perhaps he’d got the wrong cabin but they had quite a conversation.  I was too far away to hear what was said.  Anyway, she pointed him toward another cabin, and guess who was there?”  D.S. Stone looked triumphant.

“Give up!”

“Only Chantelle!”

“I’ve told you before, her given name’s Doreen.  Don’t go giving her no airs and graces!”

“Well, anyway, she wasn’t going to let him in, that was obvious, but they had quite a chat and then he came away again”

“Well done, Sergeant!” D.I. Wood beamed at his colleague, “you’ve played a blinder there.  This puts a whole different complexion on this business.  If Lurch and his pal are known to that pair on the plane, as well as Doreen, then this starts to look like a very sophisticated conspiracy, doesn’t it?”

“That’s just what I was thinking, sir” D.S. Stone nodded, enthusiastically.

“I reckon we’ve got most of the pieces of the jigsaw now, Stoney.”  D.I. Wood finished the last of his sandwich and leant back in his chair, with a contented smile on his face, “We just need to figure out how they all fit together”

* * * *

 

The objects of their scrutiny were killing time in the lounge, entirely unaware of the interest of the detectives.  Josiah was taking the opportunity to catch up with one of his trade journals, whilst Archibald was staring blankly ahead and wriggling somewhat.

“You’re squirming again, Archibald” Josiah observed, without looking up from his magazine.

“Well, I’ve still not had me shower, have I?” Archibald grumbled.

“I’m sure if Miss Lace said she would advise you when the shower was free, then she will do so.”

“Yeah, that’s what she said, but that was, like, ages ago!”  Archibald chuntered.

“I think not” Josiah checked his watch and shook his head, “you must show a little patience, Archibald.”

“Probably canoodling with her fancy man!” Archibald snorted.

“I beg your pardon?”  Josiah was forced to look up from his periodical.

“Her bloke” Archibald explained.

“What ‘bloke’?”

“The one she’d got in her cabin”

“What makes you think that Miss Lace was entertaining a gentleman in her cabin?”  Josiah frowned at his employee.

“Well, she’d got the shower running when I went to her door…” Archibald began.

“Hardly proof positive of multiple occupation!”  Josiah snapped.

“Yeah, but then there was someone singing ‘Yellow Submarine’, and it was a bloke’s voice”

“Did you point that out to Miss Lace?”

“Yeah, I did and she said it was probably the neighbours”

“A perfectly reasonable explanation” Josiah nodded.

“Well, maybe” Archibald conceded, “only, just as I was going, I could see over her shoulder and there was definitely someone towelling themselves down, behind her”

“And this person you saw, it was a gentleman you believe?”  Josiah asked, with a sinking heart.

“Oh yeah” Archibald nodded, enthusiastically, “tell you what, and this’ll make you laugh, he looked a heck of a lot like your nob in the coffin”

“Sir Lewisham?”  Josiah looked horrified.

“Yeah, him” Archibald grinned.

Josiah took a deep breath and considered this latest news, carefully.  Eventually, he said,

“Well, I suppose, as an independent young woman, Miss Lace has every right to entertain whomsoever she chooses within her accommodation” He reflected on this point, morosely, “and, I imagine that she may have, insofar as anyone can be said to have, a particular ‘type’, and, that being the case, then the ‘type’ of gentleman to whom she is attracted, would appear to have something in common with the late Sir Lewisham, which would go some way to explaining the similarity”

Archibald looked at his employer, blankly.  Josiah noted the blank expression and continued, with a sigh,

“By which I mean, that if she found Sir Lewisham attractive, then anyone similar in appearance to Sir Lewisham would, no doubt, also be deemed to be attractive”

“Oh, right!” Archibald looked as if a lightbulb had illuminated somewhere, “you mean because she fancied him, she’d be up for anyone who looked like him?”

“That would be the nub and the gist of it, yes Archibald” Josiah agreed, gloomily.

“’Cause wasn’t she giving him…” Archibald became aware of his employer’s stern appearance and decided on a different approach, “weren’t they together when he snuffed it?”

“Yes, that’s correct.  I believe a massage, of some form or other, was in progress at the time” Josiah blushed slightly.

“Well, any road up, I wish she’d pack in whatever she’s doing and let me use her shower!” Archibald commenced squirming in his seat again.

“I entirely concur, Archibald,” Josiah said, in a flat tone, “for once, I entirely concur”

Now read Episode 40