A Sign of the Times

“You erm, you wanted to see me Mr. O.?”  Archibald asked, clearly hoping that the reply would be in the negative.

“Ah yes, Archibald, do come in” Josiah dashed his hopes.

Archibald Thurble made his way across the office to the waiting chair, like a condemned man heading to a place of execution.  He had no problem at all in visiting Josiah Oakshott’s office, in the normal way of things, but he always knew that, when he had been summoned, it was rarely for a cosy chat.

“Now, Archibald” Josiah began, extracting a sheet of paper from amongst the many covering his desk, “you may recall that we have spoken before about the nature of our business and how it differs, markedly, from that of other retail premises?”

“Yeah, you didn’t want me doing that Christmas window display, that time” Archibald grumbled. (See Brightest and Best of the Sons of the Mourning)

“No, that is correct, and I hoped that I had made it plain at the time as to why that was the case” Josiah said, sharply.  “Nevertheless, be that as it may, it is disappointing to have to speak to you once more on a similar matter”

“I’ve not put no more Christmas displays up, Mr. O., honest!” Archibald insisted, fervently.

“No, I’m aware of that, Archibald.”  Josiah confirmed, flinching at the grammatical carnage being inflicted by his employee, “However, my attention was caught by this” Josiah held up a handwritten sign.

“Oh yes, Mr. O., that was me” Archibald confirmed, “’cause I noticed as how all the other shops had one like and I thought as how it would look wrong if we didn’t”

“Your motivation is to be commended, Archibald” Josiah agreed, causing Archibald Thurble to blush at the unexpected praise, “however, the execution is another matter entirely.”

“I got it off the internet” Archibald protested, “coloured it in myself and everything”

“Yes, I can see that, Archibald, and I do not, for a moment, believe that this was done with anything other than the best of intentions.  That does not change the fact that this sign, albeit produced and displayed for all good reasons, is not appropriate in a business such as ours”

“Well, I can’t see why!  Everywhere else has got them” Archibald sulked, ”I thought people would think we weren’t being loyal if we didn’t have one.  Might take their business elsewhere, type of thing”

“A very laudable thought, Archibald.  Perhaps we might usefully investigate why this particular sign might not be appropriate for our premises?”

“Yeah, whatever” Archibald shrugged his shoulders.

“So, in that case Archibald, could you perhaps describe the sign that I am now holding up?”

“Well, it’s got a picture of a rainbow” Archibald began, “there was only the drawing of that when I downloaded it, I had to colour it in and stuff”

“And you’ve made a very fine job of it, Archibald, that aspect of the sign is certainly to your credit.  My focus, however, is largely upon the wording displayed underneath your creditable colouring.  Would you, perhaps, like to share that with us?”

“Yeah, well, that was there already.  It just says ‘THANK YOU, NHS’”

“It does indeed, Archibald.  Can you perhaps discern why I, and for that matter the local newspaper, might have an issue with that sentiment?”

“Well, not really Mr. O.  I mean, they’ve been working flat out and stuff and we’d be in a mess without them!” Archibald said, stoutly.

“I do not dispute those facts for one moment, Archibald, and my admiration for the NHS and all who put themselves at risk on a daily basis in our service, knows no bounds.”

“Well, there you are then” Archibald said, feeling vindicated.

“It is not the sentiment of your sign with which I and, as I said before, the local newspaper, take issue.  It is rather the juxtaposition of this sign with our commercial enterprise.”

Archibald looked suitably puzzled.

“Allow me to elucidate.  From where have the bulk of our collections been since the onset of this unfortunate pandemic?”  Josiah enquired, with the patience borne of long association with Archibald Thurble.

“Erm, we’ve been down the morgue at the hospital quite a bit” Archibald managed after some lengthy thought.

“We have indeed, Archibald.  And to what service does the hospital belong?”

“I’m not sure I catch your drift, Mr. O.” Archibald frowned in concentration, “do you mean like…the NHS?”

“Precisely, Archibald.  Now, bearing that in mind, how do you think your, undoubtedly well-meaning, sign, might be interpreted?”

Archibald thought deeply and chewed the cuff of his jacket in concentration.  Eventually,

“You mean like, people might think we were thanking the NHS for all the st…”

Josiah’s frown was enough to stop Archibald in his tracks.

“I mean, for all the deceased that we’ve been collecting?”

“Got it in one, Archibald.  Which explains the interest of our local newspaper and why a picture of our establishment, sporting your sign in our window, takes pride of place on their front page in this evening’s edition.”  Josiah produced the offending newspaper.

“Ah, yeah, I can see as how that might be a bit…tricky!” Archibald managed, eventually.

“Tricky!  That would be something of an understatement, Archibald.  I have been asked to comment but I find myself lost for words!  It would be unfortunate enough if the matter stopped there, but it does not, does it Archibald?”

“Not sure I know what you mean?” Archibald said, sullenly.

“I mean, Archibald, that you did not see fit to stop at one sign, did you?”

“Oh, right, well no.  It’s all to do with that summitry”

“Summitry?” It was Josiah’s turn to look puzzled.

“Yeah, you know that business where you’re not supposed to have odd numbers of things, you’re supposed to balance them up and stuff”

“Symmetry!  You mean symmetry!”

“Yeah, that’s the one.  I thought one sign wouldn’t look right and I know how you’re a stickler for stuff being done proper” Archibald said, hopefully.

“I have to say, Archibald, that, in this instance, the symmetry or otherwise of the signs in question, would have been the least of my concerns” Josiah rubbed his forehead in obvious agitation, “would I be right in thinking that, when you were drafting the second sign, you were somewhat distracted in some way?”

“Distracted?  Don’t think so, Mr. O.” Archibald screwed up his face in apparently deep thought, “oh, hang about, yeah, now I think about it, I’d just got through to Electra on the phone, you know, my girlfriend?”

“I am aware of Ms. Ryder, thank you, Archibald”

“Yeah, well I’d been ringing and ringing and getting nowhere and then she suddenly answered and yeah, I was doing that second sign at the time”

“Which, I presume, explains this?” Josiah held up a second home-made sign.

“Ah, yeah” Archibald swallowed hard, “it’s erm…it’s nearly right, though, innit?  I mean, it’s got ‘HS’ in there”

“In that respect, Archibald, I cannot disagree.  Regrettably, ‘HS’ is not all that is there”

“No, Mr. O.”  Archibald stared hard at the floor and shuffled his feet.

“Perhaps you would like to tell me what it does say?”

“It says…” Archibald began, and swallowed hard again as he gathered his courage, “it says ‘THANK YOU HS2!’”

“It does indeed, Archibald.  Which, given that the particular project in question has been ripping a swathe through our pristine countryside for some months now and has been the subject of numerous vituperative letters to our local newspaper, might be considered, by some, to be a somewhat controversial and provocative statement, don’t you think?”

“Couldn’t say, Mr. O.” Archibald muttered, taking the line of least resistance.

“Regrettably, Archibald, I DO have to say.  The remainder of my afternoon will be spent drafting a suitable response to the local newspaper in an effort to salvage some small element of our hard-won reputation”

“Would you like me to help, Mr. O.?” Archibald offered.

“I think not, Archibald” Josiah sighed, deeply, and bent to his task, “I think not”

Archibald slipped out of his chair and quietly exited from the office, a phrase of his Nan’s ringing in his ears about ‘not being able to do right for doing wrong’.  He wondered if all the other marketing experts had to plough a similar lonely furrow?  He guessed, probably not.

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