Smoke on the Water!

‘There is nothing’ Josiah thought, with considerable irritation, ‘quite so conspicuous as two gentlemen in full mourning dress, sitting in a hearse, in a traffic jam!’

The whole thing annoyed him.  Not just the jam, and how it was eating into their day, but also how the occupants of the vehicles in the, seemingly interminable, stream of traffic coming the other way, either averted their eyes, as if the very sight of a hearse was tantamount to eternal damnation, or attempted to make some sort of solemn nod of respect, despite the fact that the hearse was obviously empty, having long since delivered its latest charge.  What added to his ill temper was the unsolicited soundtrack he was being subjected to during his involuntary confinement.  Archibald was humming!

“What d’yer reckon’s causing this then, Mr. O.?” Archibald asked, providing a blessed break in the tuneless refrain.

“From bitter experience, I would imagine an ill-configured set of temporary traffic lights, if the constant stream of traffic in the opposite direction is anything to go by” Josiah responded surlily.

“Good job it didn’t happen on the way, eh?  Otherwise, the Late Mr. Sims would have been a ruddy sight later!” Archibald giggled at his own joke.

“I’m not sure that that is an entirely appropriate comment, under the circumstances, Archibald” Josiah glared at his employee.

“Well, you’ve got to see the funny side, haven’t you?” Archibald asserted, against all of the evidence.

“The only thing that I’m seeing, Archibald, is the clock ticking down to our afternoon appointment with scant evidence that we’re going to be there in time!” Josiah fumed.

“It’ll be alright” Archibald responded, breezily, “we’ve got bags of time”

“I wish I shared your optimism” Josiah turned and stared at the hedge to his left.  A rather weathered plastic carrier bag, caught on one of the branches, fluttered its ironic message that it was, apparently, ‘A Bag for Life’.

There was a heavy silence in the hearse for a few minutes.

“’Ere, did I tell you that I was learning the drums, Mr. O.?”  Archibald broke the silence.

“You did, Archibald, and I congratulated you on your attempt to develop another skill”

“Only, I’ve joined a band!” Archibald grinned, broadly.

“Have you indeed?  Is that not a trifle premature?  My understanding was that your studies were at a very early stage?”  Josiah frowned.

“Oh yeah, you’re right, I’ve only just started” Archibald confirmed, “but I thought it would be a bit of a laugh.  It’s just me and a few of the blokes from work”

“A few of the blokes from…you mean employees from Oakshott and Underwood have joined you in this endeavour?”

“Yeah, guess what we’ve called ourselves?”

“I dread to think!” Josiah responded, with trepidation.

“’Dead Set’!” Archibald giggled, “good, innit?”

“I will refrain from comment” Josiah said, grimly, “Tell me, who, from my workforce, has joined you in this enterprise?”

“Well, there’s Egbert, he’s the lead singer…”

“Egbert?  I’ve heard Egbert singing in the workshop.  I vividly recall the occasion because I was convinced that someone had been the victim of a horrific industrial accident and I came out of my office to investigate”

“Yeah, well, he’s got his own microphone, so we had to let him“ Archibald explained, “Then there’s Hubert, Egbert’s brother, he’s our lead guitarist”

“Hubert not being one of our employees, thankfully” Josiah commented.

“No, he’s not, but he’s got a guitar and Egbert wanted him in.” Archibald expanded on his theme, “Plus, he’s been taking lessons.  Well, he was taking lessons…”

“Why the past tense?” Josiah couldn’t resist asking.

“Eh?  Oh, I see what you mean.  Well, he got slung out because everything he played came out like ‘Smoke on the Water’”

Josiah looked at him, blankly.

“You know, ‘Smoke on the Water’?” Archibald insisted, “Duh, duh, DER, duh, duh, der DER, duh, duh, DER, DER DER” He made a passable vocal attempt at an electric guitar.

“Ah yes, I believe I have heard that particular refrain, albeit not quite in those terms.”  Josiah agreed, reluctantly, “I can see how that might be somewhat limiting to his studies”

The hearse inched forward another car length and then came to a halt again.

“Well, any road, we got a gig!”  Archibald said, excitedly, applying the handbrake.

“You obtained a booking?” Josiah asked, incredulously.

“Yeah!” Archibald nodded, enthusiastically, “the social club down the road from our house.  The band they should have had on last Saturday let them down”

“And they asked you to fill the gap?”

“Well, not exactly.  Egbert was in there, having a cheeky lunchtime pint, and he heard they’d been let down, so he volunteers us and ‘bob’s your uncle’!”

“But, regardless of Robert being your father’s brother, neither you nor the lead guitarist have, by any stretch of the definition, mastered your instruments and Egbert has a voice like a badly adjusted chainsaw!”  Josiah pointed out.

“There was another catch an’ all” Archibald admitted, “apart from Hubert, none of us had got any instruments”

“That would be a drawback”

“Any road, Egbert managed to cadge some from somewhere, so we thought we’d give it a go!”

“Your enthusiasm is to be lauded” Josiah agreed, “even if nothing else”

“Ta!” Archibald grinned, “so, last Saturday, there we were, up on stage!”

“Most ennervating, I’m sure” Josiah nodded.

“Oh, it was Mr. O.” Archibald beamed with remembered excitement, “the Main Hall was packed, ‘cause no-one knew that the original group had cried off.  There were a few in the Lounge, ‘cause there was a bloke in there doing a Talk on penguins.  We got on stage and there were all these eager faces looking up at us, it was fantastic!”

“I applaud your chutzpah.  It must certainly have been an experience”

“Wasn’t it you what said the Americans call something wonderful they’ve done ‘an experience’ but the Brits mean they’ve done something ruddy awful?”

“I may have shared that insight” Josiah blushed a little.

“Right!” Archibald commented, thoughtfully, “anyhow, we played our first number…”

“Which was?”

“Well, it was ‘Smoke…”

“…on the Water’, yes, of course, foolish of me to ask!  How did it go?”

“Difficult to say!” Archibald screwed his face up in thought as he edged the hearse forward, again, “you know I said as how the place was packed when we started?”

“Yes, I recall”

“Well, when we finished the first number, there was only a bloke and a dog still there, at the back of the Hall.  Mind you, that bloke’s Talk about penguins was packed out!”

“Ah, I suppose every picture tells a story?” Josiah suggested, diplomatically.

“Oh yeah” Archibald nodded, vigorously, “I never knew penguins were so popular!”

“Nor did I!” Josiah smirked, “what did you do then?”

“Well, we decided to have another go at the opening number, to see if we could get it right this time, sort of thing”

“Very commendable”

“By the time we’d finished that, the bloke and the dog had gone” Archibald lamented, “though, to be fair, he was only there because he thought it was the night of the crib tournament”

“One can see that he might have been a little disappointed”

“Yeah, well, we were a bit stumped after that…”

“Because of the loss of your audience?”

“Well, no, not really.  It were more that we didn’t know any more tunes”

“Did it not occur to you that that might have been a somewhat limiting factor?”  Josiah asked, archly.

“Well, Egbert said we could probably wing it if we could get them going enough with the opening song” Archibald replied, dubiously.

“That does sound wildly optimistic”

“Yeah, thinking about it, perhaps we should have learned summat else” Archibald agreed, gloomily.

“I think that might well have been the minimum requirement, under the circumstances” Josiah nodded, “so, what happened then?”

“Well, we knocked it on the head and went and heard that bloke talking about penguins.  He was made up, he said he’d never had an audience that big in his life!”

“Clearly, it’s an ill wind…” Josiah suggested.

“Oh yes, I suffered from that before we went on stage!” Archibald agreed.

Josiah stared at his employee as they edged forward again.

“Do I take it then, Archibald, that you do not have the means with which to practice your chosen discipline?”

“You what?” Archibald looked puzzled.

“I mean to say, you do not have your own set of drums?”

“Oh, right, I’m with you!” Archibald nodded, “no, me mam won’t have them in the house.  Says it would be too much of a racket”

“That is unfortunate, although I can see her point of view”

“Yeah, it’s a pain!” Archibald agreed, gloomily, “actually, I was going to ask you if I could, perhaps, practice in the workshop, after work of course?”

“No, Archibald” Josiah said, firmly.

“Only, it’s not like it would disturb anyone, is it?” Archibald pointed out, “what with them being dead an’ all”

“No, Archibald” Josiah reiterated.

The hearse edged forward with the occupants silently glaring out of the windscreen.

“I suppose that song of ours…”  Archibald began.

“’Smoke on the Water’?”  Josiah suggested.

“Yeah, that, I s’pose it could be another one of them ‘inappropriate tunes to play at a crematorium.’  You know, like ‘Wish Me Luck As You Wave Me Goodbye’?”

“Yes, indeed, it would be one to avoid” Josiah agreed.

“Or, ‘Smoke Gets In Your Eyes’?” Archibald prompted.

“Yes, that too!” Josiah chuckled.

“Ooh, I’ve thought of another one!  How about ‘Disco Inferno’?”

“’Disco Inferno’?” Josiah looked puzzled.

“Yeah, you know,  ‘Burn baby, burn, disco inferno…’” Archibald rocked from side to side as he did his best American Soul Singer impression.

“I think, perhaps, the rest of the journey might well benefit from a meditative silence?” Josiah suggested, stuffily.

“Right you are, Mr. O.!” Archibald grinned as they inched forward again.

 

The first two collections of stories about Archibald and Josiah are available on Amazon for a pittance  - 'A Dubious Undertaking' and 'Grave Expectations' - check them out.