A Subsequent Engagement?

Continuing the story that began in Drumming Up The Christmas Trade!

Archibald whistled, cheerfully but tunelessly, as he made his way down the corridor with Josiah Oakshott’s ritual morning coffee and biscuits. He rather enjoyed this period between the festivities of Christmas and the realities of the New Year, when only a (rather appropriately named) ‘skeleton’ staff manned the business.  As Archibald was always keen to put as much time and space between himself and his immediate family as possible, he was happy to volunteer to work during this period.

He knocked smartly on the door of his employer and went to make his way in, when he was wrong-footed by the door suddenly opening and found himself heading unexpectedly for the, not inconsiderable, bosom of Ms. Samantha Knight.  He just managed to right himself in time, before disaster struck.

“Hello Archibald” Ms. Knight said, in those dark brown tones that tended to fluster him, “I didn’t know you were here today!  Compliments of the Season to you!”  She beamed in his direction.

“Right, yes, same to you” Archibald managed to conquer the ridiculous urge to curtsey, “has he asked you then?”  As this question had been pre-occupying Archibald for days, it was inevitable that it would slip out, under pressure.

“Asked me what, Archibald?” Ms. Knight looked puzzled, and Archibald was aware of a frenzy of waving hands and a violently shaking head, behind her.

“Oh, erm, well, I dunno really” Archibald managed, now thoroughly confused.  The antics behind Ms. Knight had now turned into an over-exaggerated digging motion.  Archibald improvised, “I thought Mr. O. wanted to ask you about helping on the garden”

“His garden?” Ms. Knight looked even more puzzled, and turned toward Josiah, who was now bright red and sweating profusely, “I didn’t think you had a garden, as such, Josiah?”

“No, indeed I do not” Josiah confirmed, glaring at Archibald, “I think Archbald may be thinking of an idea I had, at one time, for taking on an allotment”

“An allotment?  You?”  Ms. Knight asked, eyebrows raised.

“An allotment?” Archibald echoed, in disbelief.

“I was indeed, Archibald” Josiah said, firmly, “but I think the question you anticipated I might have asked Ms. Knight, was, in fact, to do with the McDonald funeral, was it not?”  Josiah attempted to regain control of the conversation.

“Oh, right, yeah, that would have been it” Archibald said, hurriedly.

“Yes, such a tragic event.  One does feel so very sorry for the remaining family.” Ms. Knight nodded, “Josiah has, indeed, asked me to go and speak to the widower this afternoon” She sighed, deeply, “I’m to try and help him come to terms with his loss and talk him through the procedure, pending the outcome of the post-mortems of course.” Ms. Knight looked suitably solemn.

“Oh well, that’s all right then, innit?” Archibald said, cheerily, and with some relief, made his way into the office to deposit the coffee and biscuits on the desk.

“I’m not at all sure that it is ‘all right’, Archibald!  However, I will see you later, Josiah, and report back” Ms. Knight made her way out of the door, “Take care, Archibald” She grinned at him, causing another outbreak of blushing and confusion.

As soon as the door shut behind her, Archibald rounded on his employer.

“You dropped me right in it, there!” He said with feeling,

“I dropped YOU in it?” Josiah responded, with just as much feeling, “I rather think it is YOU that have placed ME in an acutely embarrassing situation!”

“I thought you were going to ask her on Christmas Day!  You had the ring and everything!” Archibald waved his arms in exasperation.

“Yes, yes, I know” Josiah agreed, miserably, “it was just…when it came to the critical point, I could not bring myself to ask the question”

“So, what did you give her for Christmas, then?”

“Gloves” Josiah replied, gloomily.

“Gloves!” Archibald exclaimed, loudly, “ruddy gloves!!”

At which point, the office door burst open again, and Ms. Knight re-entered.  Josiah and Archibald started visibly and flattened themselves against the office wall, as if about to be executed.

“Is everything all right?” She asked, viewing the scene with some concern.

“Fine!  Absolutely fine!”  Josiah nodded, wide-eyed and perspiring.

“Yep!” Archibald concurred, unable to think of anything else to say.

“Only, you seemed to be arguing…about gloves?” She asked, uncertainly.

“No, not erm arguing” Josiah flustered, “just, discussing” He smiled, weakly.

“Gloves?” Ms. Knight queried.

“Ah yes, well, Archibald was somewhat dismissive of my choice of gift” Josiah grabbed hold of the one truthful element, like a drowning man grabbing at a lifebelt.

“Oh, Archibald” Ms. Knight said, reproachfully, “there is absolutely no need!  The gloves Josiah very kindly gifted to me were of superb quality and very well chosen.  I was delighted to receive them”

She smiled warmly at Josiah, who looked even more guilt-ridden.

“Ah, right” Archibald looked deeply fed-up, “well, there you go, wouldn’t do for us all to be the same, eh?” He glowered at Josiah.

“Did you need something, my dear?” Josiah asked, hopefully, ignoring his employee’s dark looks.

“I forgot to collect Mr. McDonald’s address” Ms. Knight explained.

“I have it here” Josiah grabbed a piece of paper from his desk, folded it, handed it over, and smiled weakly again.

“Thank you, Josiah” Ms. Knight responded, uncertainly, “I’ll see you later?” She looked from Josiah to Archibald (still pinned to the wall, as if he expected to be shot at any moment) and back again, shook her head and made her way out of the office, looking back over her shoulder, repeatedly.

“Strewth! That was close!” Archibald peeled himself from the wall and tottered to the visitor’s seat in the office.  Josiah collapsed into his chair, breathing heavily.

“I’m really not sure my nerves can stand much more of this” Josiah moaned.

“Well, just ask her and get it over with!” Archibald exclaimed.

“It’s not that easy” Josiah mumbled from the sanctuary of his cupped hands.

“’Course it is!” Archibald replied, dismissively, “I was thinking, over Christmas, as how you’re in the same boat as that bloke in that film.  You know, the one what was dragging chains about and bought a whopping great turkey at the end?”

Josiah surfaced from his hand retreat and frowned.

“Bloke with chains and a turkey?” He mused, “would you be referring perchance to ‘A Christmas Carol’ featuring Ebenezer Scrooge?”

“Yeah, that’s the one” Archibald nodded “and he has all these ghosts come to visit him and I thought of you”

“I am not a believer in ghosts” Josiah shook his head, “after all, given the nature of our establishment, we would be somewhat overrun, if such entities did exist” He chuckled to himself.

“Well, you say that…” Archibald began, darkly.

“Before you regale us with another of your tales of ghostly apparitions, could we perhaps return to the point that you were intending to make?” Josiah interrupted.

“What was that then?”  Archibald frowned.

“You were referring to Charles Dickens’ classic tale, ‘A Christmas Carol’, I believe”

“Oh yeah!  Well, you see…”

“I always thought that the definitive portrayal of Scrooge was that given by Alistair Sim” Josiah smiled in recollection.

“Was he summat to do with mobile phones?” Archibald asked.

“No, he was NOT something to do with mobile phones” Josiah snapped, “he predated mobile phones by some decades!  He was one of our finest and most versatile actors, noted for his appearances in the Ealing Comedies and St. Trinian’s films but he also starred in J.B. Priestley’s ‘An Inspector Calls’ and, of course, the classic version, to my mind, of ‘A Christmas Carol’”

“Oh, right” Archibald looked at him, blankly, “I was thinking about the Muppets’ version.  Any road, Scrooge gets visited by the Ghost of Christmases Yet To Come…”

“Yes, I recall, he sees how his life might unfold” Josiah nodded.

“Yeah, and I thought of you” Archibald said, warming to his theme, “just imagine, a year or two down the line.  You’ve still not asked Ms. Knight, so she gives up and goes and marries someone else”

“Really?” Josiah looked a little shocked.

“Might even be another undertaker?”  Archibald suggested, slyly, “then you see her a few years later, working now at this other bloke’s place, a couple of little Knights running ‘round her legs, her gazing lovingly into this other bloke’s eyes…”

“Don’t!” Josiah implored from within his cupped hands.

“That’s how it might go if you keep kicking it down the road” Archibald said, tersely, “I mean, you’re neither of you getting any younger”

“But, what if she turns me down?”

“Then you’re no worse off, really, are you?” Archibald shrugged, “and at least you know where you stand!  Ok, so she says ‘no’ and maybe goes off and works somewhere else, but she’s probably going to do that any road, if you DON’T ask her.  But, if she says ‘yes’…”  He left the thought hanging in the air.

“Oh Archbald!” Josiah said, in a long moan.

“There’s no ‘Oh Archibald’ about it,” Archibald shook his head, and looked serious, “you’ve got to sort this out”

Josiah sat up and looked long and hard at his employee.

“You’re right!”  He said, to Archibald’s considerable surprise, “I’ll do it!” He added, eventually.

“Brilliant!” Archibald beamed.

“I’m just not sure how I’m going to do it” Josiah went on, miserably.

“Well, we could practice” Archibald suggested.

* * * *

In the firm’s car park, Samantha Knight eased herself into the driver’s seat of her sensible car, sat back and sighed as she tried to think what she could possibly say to try to ease the burden of the McDonald family.  After a few moments of calm, reflective breathing, she came to the conclusion that there was nothing she could realistically prepare and she would have to rely on her own instincts, when she had a better understanding of how the McDonalds’ were coping with their grief. 

She unfolded the slip of paper that Josiah had given her, with a view to inputting the address into the car’s SatNav, and was surprised to find, instead of the address, a rudimentary shopping list.  The first few items were unexceptional but the last two intrigued her.  They read:

‘Ladies gloves

Ring!’

Whatever had Josiah been buying?  She frowned, re-folded the paper, grabbed her handbag and made her way back to the office.

As she walked down the corridor, she could hear the murmurings of an, apparently heated, conversation taking place in Josiah’s office.  Getting closer, she realised that it was just Archibald, so she decided to forego knocking and go right on in.

The sight that greeted her, stopped her in her tracks.  Josiah was down on one knee, behind his desk, proffering a ring to Archibald, who had his hand to his mouth and was exclaiming, in a girlish voice,

“Oh Josiah, this is so sudden!”

The sound of the door opening caused Josiah and Archibald to swing around to face it, both looking in wide-eyed horror, like rabbits captured in headlights.

“JOSIAH!” Samantha Knight exclaimed, involuntarily.

“Samantha! Ms. Knight!” Josiah said, in his confusion, “this…this is not what it looks like!”

“I’m really not sure WHAT it looks like!” Samantha said, with an equal amount of confusion, “but, whatever it is, I’m sure it is no business of mine” She made to close the door and leave the office.

“No, wait a minute!” Archibald yelped, “he wasn’t proposing to me”

“I would hope not, Archibald!” Samantha said, firmly, “as you may recall, you are already engaged to Ms. Ryder”

“No, what I meant was…” Archibald began.

“Be quiet, Archibald!” Josiah snapped.

“No, I won’t!” Archibald snapped back, in a rare show of defiance, “what I was going to say was, he wasn’t asking ME to marry him,” He took a deep breath, swallowed hard and said, “he was practicing how to ask YOU!”

“Me?” Samantha looked stunned.

Josiah stood there with his mouth wide open, looking from one to the other, clearly lost for words.

“He couldn’t think how to do it” Archibald explained, quietly, “so I said he could practice with me”

Samantha stared long and hard at Josiah, who blushed a deep crimson and looked down at his feet.

“I erm” He began, shook his head and rubbed his forehead, distractedly, “this…this is not at all how I imagined this would happen” he said, sadly.  Then, taking a deep breath and smoothing down his jacket, he continued, “nevertheless, we are where we are…”  He walked toward Samantha and eased himself down on one knee.

“Oh strewth!” Archibald exclaimed.

“Perhaps you could leave us, for a moment, Archibald?”  Samantha suggested, quietly.

“Ah, right you are!”  Archibald nodded and edged past them, out of the door.

‘Well’ he reflected as he marched down the corridor, “that worked out all right in the end, didn’t it?”  He grinned and then stopped, suddenly, as a thought occurred to him.  He looked back at Josiah Oakshott’s office door, a worried look creeping across his face, ‘it had worked out, hadn’t it?’

 

TO BE CONTINUED

Find out what happened next in the third episode of this festive season trilogy 'The Trouble with Horace Dimchurch'