Through A Glass, Darkly

 

Josiah Oakshott, proprietor of Oakshott and Underwood Funeral Directors of discretion and distinction, was in the middle of carefully composing the text for a new brochure he was compiling to demonstrate the range of services and products that Oakshott and Underwood had to offer.  His concentration was, however, shattered by a thunderous knocking on the office door, followed by a shout of,

“Tea’s up, Mr. Oakshott!” from without.

Before he had chance to respond, the door swung open violently, crashing into the wall.  Archibald Thurble cannoned first into the door frame, then into the wall as he entered, steering a zig-zag path, tray in hand.  Josiah watched with morbid fascination at Archibald’s erratic progress, as he lurched further into the room, until he suddenly launched himself headlong over the chair, opposite to Josiah, with disastrous consequences for the tray and its contents, as well as the carpet and the far wall.

“Are you injured, Archibald?”  Josiah half raised himself from his chair to inspect the situation of his prone employee.

“No, I’m alright Mr. O., thanks” Archibald levered himself up from the floor, cautiously and dusted himself down.  He peered, myopically, at the devastation he had wrought and Josiah suddenly realised what was different about Archibald.  He was wearing glasses.

“Archibald, I could not help noticing your erratic entrance with the tea tray just now and your apparent difficulty in negotiating the office layout.  I also cannot help but notice that you appear to be wearing spectacles and I am bound to wonder if those two facts are, somehow, linked?”

“You what, Mr. O.?”

Josiah sighed, deeply.

“You fell over the office chair and you’re wearing glasses!  Did you fall over the chair because of the glasses?”

“Oh, right, I’m with you now!  Yeah, I reckon.  I’m trying to get used to them but they’re a bit of bug…”

Archibald was able to discern Josiah’s look of disapproval even through the thickness of his lenses,

“…they’re a bit of a nuisance, to be honest” He concluded.

“I had no idea that you had been prescribed optical assistance, Archibald”

“Oh, no, I’ve not been prescribed nothing.  Me Nan got them off a bloke in the market” Archibald explained.

“Why ever would she do such a thing?”

“Ah, well, you know our house is right poky, don’t you?”  Archibald began.

“I understand your home to be somewhat modest in size, yes” Josiah agreed, cautiously.

“Well, we really wanted one of them humungous televisions like what you can get these days, you know what I mean?”

“I am aware that the size of television screens has been expanding exponentially in recent years, as has the size of modern furniture, which is somewhat counter-intuitive given that the dimensions of new houses have, at the same time, been diminishing” Josiah nodded.

“Yeah, well, summat like that.  Any road, we’ve not got room for a big screen so me Nan said the answer was to keep our little TV but make the picture bigger, so she got these glasses!  I’m still trying to get used to them.”

“I think that is an endeavour you should terminate forthwith, Archibald.  Not only for your own safety but also for that of your colleagues, not to mention the firm’s fixtures and fittings” Josiah looked gloomily at the wreckage of his afternoon tea, which was now strewn around his office.

“Yeah, I know.  I think I might pack it all in.  I can always watch telly at Electra’s mam’s place.  She’s got a stonking great telly with a massive screen.  You can see stuff much better, you can even see people’s nose hairs!”  Archibald beamed at the vision.

“My limited requirement for televisual entertainment does not, I am pleased to report, extend to detailed scrutiny of the nasal cavities of celebrities” Josiah shuddered.

“Yeah, well, I’m just sayin’” Archibald muttered, “I like going round their house ‘cause I get fed proper an’ all.  Me Mam and Nan are on a diet.”  He explained.

“Oh, I see.  Well, there is nothing wrong with aspiring toward a healthy lifestyle” Josiah said, approvingly.

“Yeah, but you can take things too far!  Me Mam, for instance, she’s on this diet where she only drinks watered-down lemon juice instead of breakfast and lunch.  She tried to get me on it but I couldn’t stand the taste.”

“That does sound a little extreme, I must concur” Josiah agreed.

“Not as bad as me Nan.  She’s given up food altogether.  She just drinks!”

“Has it had any effect?”

“Oh ah, she reckons she’s lost a fortnight so far” Archibald nodded.

“Your domestic life must be a constant source of entertainment, Archibald.” Josiah commented, sarcastically.

“It’s alright” Archibald agreed, happily.  “Mind you, me Mam’s gone right peculiar!”

“In what way, Archibald?” Josiah enquired, whilst thinking that his cousin Ophelia didn’t really have all that far to go.

“I dunno.  She’s having a go at me all the time and she plays up no end about the time I spend round at Electra’s place” Archibald said, miserably.

“Ah, I see.  Tell me, does she get on well with Electra?”

“Well, sort of” Archibald responded, “she’s polite and everything but she keeps having little digs at her and stuff.  I dunno what’s up with her.”

“I think I might be able to advance a possible theory.  You are, I believe, an only child?”

“Yeah, me Mam said one of me was enough!” Archibald grinned.

“I can understand her reluctance.” Josiah agreed, “moreover, yours is the main income coming into the house, is it not?”

“Yeah, me Mam gets bits of work now and then. Of course, me Nan hasn’t worked for years”

“I fear, Archibald, that the bond between mother and son is a complex and close one, and that is particularly so for a mother and her only son.  If you couple that observation with the potential loss of income that your departure would represent, then it is all too easy to see why your mother might have a less than positive view of your relationship with your fiancée.”  Josiah sat back in his chair and contemplated the dishevelled employee before him.  On reflection, he decided that he would not wish for Archibald’s life at any price.

“I reckon her working at the chippy doesn’t help, either” Archibald grumbled, “me Mam thinks it’s common!”

“I think your mother is somewhat unfair in making that assumption” Josiah suggested, “I believe that anyone in gainful employment is to be applauded, whatever their occupation”

“Yeah, right, but if she could come and work here…?” Archibald suggested, tentatively.

“Your mother?” Josiah was shocked at the suggestion.

“No, Electra!  You said there might be a job going when Old Jim retires” Archibald reminded him.

“Indeed, I did.  That, however, is not to say that your fiancée would be the ideal candidate.  I did say that I would be prepared to meet her and discuss her career aspirations but that is not the same as saying that Oakshott and Underwood could definitely offer her employment.  Moreover, Old Jim, despite his frequent indications of imminent retirement, has not, as yet, submitted his resignation and, until such time as he does, I cannot be seen to be actively recruiting his replacement” Josiah explained with some exasperation, “for all I know, he may well go on for years!”

“Yeah, I suppose so.” Archibald conceded, moodily.

“If I recall, from our previous conversations, your fiancée is a somewhat strong-minded lady of definite opinions, would that be a fair summation?”

“Oh, she knows her own mind, right enough” Archibald agreed.

“As, in that respect at least, she has something in common with your mother, that might also go some way to explaining the apparent antipathy between them?  I must also own to having some concerns about how your fiancée might, or might not, fit in with our existing team and, in particular, how she might work with yourself?”  Josiah mused.

“Oh, she’s always bossing me around” Archibald confirmed.

“And there you have the nub and the gist of my concern.  It is one thing to be happy to assume a subordinate position in one’s private affairs, but, if that situation was to expand over your entire waking life…”  Josiah let the suggestion hang in the air.

“Hmmm” Archibald considered this.

“That is, of course, rather unfair of me.  I should not make presumptions concerning the young lady without first meeting her myself and forming an opinion based on my own observations rather than knowledge acquired at one remove.  Perhaps you might ask her to give me a call, if she wishes to pursue the matter further, so that we might get to know one another but please do impress upon her that there is no vacancy at the present time and I cannot guarantee that there will be one in the near future”

“I’ll get her to give you a call, Mr. O.” Archibald agreed, happily, “I’ll just get a broom and sort this lot out” He turned smartly and fell headlong over the chair, again.

“On the whole, Archibald, I think it would be expedient for me to forego my afternoon tea, on this occasion, thank you.  I will clear the detritus myself, in due course.”

“Right ho, Mr. O.” Archibald’s muffled voice responded.

“You’re in the coat stand, Archibald!”

“Sorry, Mr. O.  Can you give me a clue about the door?”

Josiah sighed and made his way around the desk to guide his employee out of the office.  It seemed to him that guiding Archibald might take up rather more of his time in the coming weeks and months than he had anticipated!

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