Words (Dead Reckoning series - Part 17)

Continued from Episode 16 (Can't Get Used to Losing You)

The story so far:   Josiah, having rekindled a romance with an old flame, Jeanette DeVille, has apparently disappeared since his supper with her at Evanley Hall.  Samantha and Archibald's appeals to the police for help in finding him, have fallen on deaf ears.  Now, back at Oakshott and Underwood, plans must be made:

Samantha Knight marched into the premises of Oakshott and Underwood, strode down the corridor and swept into Josiah Oakshott’s office.  Behind her trailed a perfectly miserable Archibald Thurble.

“Right, Archie” Samantha announced, placing her handbag firmly on Josiah’s desk, “this is what we’re going to do”

Archibald peered around the office in the obvious hope that Mr. O. would magically appear from somewhere.

“He’s not back, then?” He said, after a swift perusal.

“No, and I didn’t expect him to be” Samantha shook her head, sadly, “did you?”

“Well, I sort of hoped…” Archibald trailed off and shrugged his shoulders.

“Despite what the police say, I think something’s happened to him” Samantha said, firmly, “but, in the meantime, we’ve got to prioritise.  That means appointing someone to run the place in Josiah’s absence”

“That’ll be Mr. Strine, won’t it?” Archibald suggested.

“Well…” Samantha began, settling herself in Josiah’s chair, “yes, I would agree, at least as far as the operational side of the business goes.  Actually managing funerals and so on, you know?” Samantha nodded, “but, when it comes to sales and customer relations…” She looked at Archibald, quizzically.

“Yeah, he’s not the best with people” Archibald conceded.

“So, in Josiah’s absence, I’m going to assume control”

Archibald’s eyebrows shot up.  “Are you sure that’s a good idea?  I mean, what will Mr. O. say?”

“Nothing, not at the moment anyway.  He’s not here, is he?” Samantha opened a file on the desk and studied it, “Besides, I ran the place whilst you two were galivanting in Spain, with no problems.” She stared at Archibald who was tugging his sleeves with obvious agitation, “Look, Archie, there are a number of potential clients due to come in over the next few days to discuss funeral details, we can’t take the risk of losing them, just because Josiah has gone AWOL”

“AWOL?” Archibald looked deeply puzzled, his lips moved as he tried to spell out the word, “Is that like some sort of owl?”  He asked, eventually.

“No, Archie” Samantha sighed, “it’s an acronym”

“Is it?” Archibald looked thoughtful, “is that good, or bad?”

“It’s neither” Samantha shook her head, “it means a word that’s made up of the initial letters of other words”

“Why would you want to do that?”

“Well, it saves saying all of those other words” Samantha’s patience was beginning to wear a bit thin. “Like BURMA”

“BURMA?  Isn’t that a country, or summat?”

“Yes, well, it was at one time, but…”

“I don’t know why they have to go around mucking about with the names of things” Archibald grumbled, “why can’t they leave stuff alone?”

“I’m not really sure of the history” Samantha admitted, “but, anyway, I wasn’t talking about the country…”

“Yes, you was!” Archibald asserted, “you were on about Burma, I heard you”

“No, Archibald!” Samantha rubbed her forehead and began to see Josiah’s point of view, “we were talking about acronyms, and I made the mistake of mentioning ‘BURMA’, which was an acronym that people used to put on the back of envelopes, to their sweethearts”

“Why would they put the name of a country on a…love letter, style of thing?”  Archibald asked, with obvious embarrassment.

“Because, in this instance, it stands for something”

“What, like ‘faith, hope and charity’, that sort of thing?”  Archibald dredged from his memory.

“Pardon?” It was Samantha’s turn to look puzzled, “Oh, you’re thinking of a sort of motto, aren’t you?”

“Am I?”  Archibald frowned.

“Yes, but that’s not what I meant” Samantha took a deep breath, and tried again, “Each letter of BURMA stands for another word…”  There was a knock on the door and she automatically said, “Come in”

“What are them, then?”  Archibald asked.

“Be Undressed And Ready My Angel” Samantha explained, with a sense of deep trepidation.

Mr. Strine, who had just walked in, looked shell-shocked.

“Sorry, miss, sorry, Archie” He flustered, “I ‘ope as ‘ow I’m not interrupting nowt?”  He looked, frantically, from one to the other.

Samantha placed her head in her hands and counted to ten.

“No, Mr. Strine, you are not interrupting anything” She assured him, “I was just explaining to Archibald, here, that I will be assuming control of the business during Mr. Oakshott’s unforeseen absence”

“Right!” Mr. Strine nodded his head, slowly, “Fair enough.” He pondered for a moment, and then looked concerned, “You don’t want me to get undressed an’ all, do yer?”

“No, that won’t be necessary, Mr. Strine” Samantha giggled, and realised that she was borderline hysterical.

“It’s a country.  Only, it’s not now” Archibald attempted to explain.

“What is?” Mr. Strine asked, now thoroughly confused.

“Burma!” Archibald answered, laconically.

“Oh, I know about Burma” Mr. Strine said, darkly, “me dad fought there in the last lot.  He reckoned it were sticky”

“Ah well, that explains it then,” Archibald nodded, “’cause Mrs. Knight reckons you stick it on the back of envelopes”

“Do yer?”  Mr. Strine looked surprised, “What, like RSVP?”

“Oh god, no” Samantha muttered under breath, “don’t start him off again”

“Russervup?”  Archibald attempted this new word.

“Yeah,” Mr. Strine nodded, “it’s foreign for ‘are yer comin’, or what?’”

“Yes, that, sort of, sums it up” Samantha nodded, grateful for a simple explanation.

“I don’t see why they ‘ave to make everything so ruddy complicated!” Archibald grumbled.

“Yer ‘ave to ‘ave a bit of foreign” Mr. Strine said, confident in his expert knowledge, “makes stuff look sophisticated, ain’t that right, Mrs.?”

“You’ve probably got a point, Mr. Strine” Samantha nodded, “now, are you happy to continue to oversee the operational side of the business?”

“Erm…” Mr. Strine looked bewildered.

“By which I mean, are you happy to take care of running the funerals and all the funeral preparation, if I look after dealing with prospective and existing clients?”  Samantha gave him her best winning smile.

“Oh, right!” Mr. Strine looked relieved, “yeah, that sounds fine and dandy, miss”

“Then that’s all sorted, then” Samantha said, with a sigh.  “If you will excuse us, Mr. Strine, I need a brief word with Archibald”

“Right, right” Mr. Strine nodded and backed towards the office door, then, turning to Archibald, he whispered “you keep an ‘and on yer ‘a’penny, my lad, if’n yer know what’s good for yer” before scuttling for the exit.

“Now, Archie…” Samantha began.

“I’m not gettin’ undressed!” Archibald said, stoutly. “I know all about what that ‘Sexual Harris’ meant and I’m not ‘aving none of it.  I’m right there with the U2 lot”

“Sexual Harris?” Samantha had the distinct impression that this conversation was getting ever further away from her.

“Yep, that Australian bloke, went to jail for it, and I don’t have to put up with it” Archibald said, firmly.

“You wouldn’t mean ‘sexual harassment’ by any chance, would you?”

“Yeah, that’s the bunny!” Archibald nodded.

“Well, I can assure you that I have no intention, now or at any time in the future, of sexually harassing you, Archibald, so you can relax on that score.  You’ve lost me with the reference to U2 though, I must say”

“It’s a wotsit…a sisterhood, innit?”

“Really?  I thought it was a rock group but…oh, hang on, you mean MeToo, don’t you?”

“Well, yeah, it’s you what I’ve been talking about!” Archibald looked even more puzzled.

“No, not ‘me too’, I mean the movement ‘MeToo’” Samantha looked at Archibald who was quivering with a mixture of apprehension and self-righteousness, “Archie,” she said, as sympathetically as she could manage, “I can assure you, I have absolutely no interest in you divesting yourself of your garments”

“Well, you say that now…” Archibald began, in a hurt tone.

“I say it now and I will continue to say it, Archie” Samantha smiled warmly at him, “now then, what we need to sort out is what we’re going to do about Josiah?”

“Well, you heard the cop…the policeman” Archibald tugged a sleeve, again, “he can’t do nothin’ till the end of the week”

“He can’t, no” Samantha nodded, “but, that doesn’t mean to say that we can’t do something”

“Like what?”  Archibald asked, with some trepidation.

“Ah, now that’s what I was coming to, Archie” Samantha beamed and steepled her fingers.

Now read Part 18