I'm Alone,Even When You'r There

No words can express the love
I feel when I'm with you,or the magic
Memories of so much fun we have
Had over 34 years we've shared.
Even the tears made me smile,because
At least we could do it together.

But these days my heart is also filled
With so much pain of loneliness
Even when you sit beside me daily.
From the time I have to help you dress,
Till the time I help you in your wheelchair.
That leaves us both out of breath.

I pick up my car keys,sighing because I
Know the journey is over 10 miles,
Before we reach the nearest day care
Center and a few steps wear's your
Already exhausted body out,that's
Like a tap which is trying to squeeze its
last few drops of water out.

It also gives me the only break of my
Week,2 hours for me time,to be with
Others that not only I can speak to,but
Who share my mixed emotions,and for
That short,but relaxing, fun few hours.I
Become Edna again the woman not
The carer.and for you to mix with
Others,and not me for a change.

It doesn't seem much to some,
But for us dear, it means the
Difference,between a care home
For you,and Prozac for me.
Then in between our sanctuary
We attend your doctors or hospital
Appointments that consume most
Of our days and weeks.
 
And Sunday arrives, and we put on
Our happy face, when our son and
His family come over for the usual
Lamb Roast.But inside I can already
Feel the build up of tears of frustration
And pain strolling down the walls
Of my unhappy heart, because I hate
What this illness as done to me and my
Beloved other half.I almost pull Nick to
One side,and tell him 'I need more help
From them', but I don't, because
Like all parents, who try to protect their
Children,they cope with their heartache alone.

I feel so guilty for dreaming of a another
Life something different than this,I
Remember our plans of owning a small
Farm in Spain,we always worked hard,
So hopefully we could enjoy our last few years
Relaxing while we still had our Good health.

I even start laughing because I see
Us arguing in my 'awake' dream ,over why
We shouldn't open your favorite bottle of wine,
Viña Sastre Crianza,which you never opened as it
Was the most expensive wine you had ever owned,
And given you for your 30 years in the police
Force.

Then before I can really start to
Dream of happier and affectionate times,
You wake wanting the toilet, or your food
And I am brought swiftly back down to
Earth with an almighty bang.