Always around the corner.

I’m going to try and get her back tonight. Not just for me but also for Jake, my only grandchild. I can’t understand why Ben can return here after all that happened, but maybe he thinks he will shrug off some of his own ghosts. Try telling that to his wife, Melinda and also my own dear husband Jim, who caught up with his own ghosts three years ago. No man should die so young…especially when he’d fought so hard against the bitter truth. Our little Ria would never be coming home, not without a great deal of help. I’ve had the blessing, so I am not afraid for my own soul…but I fear for my family and the last of my sanity…..

We’d married late and I was already thirty when Ben was born. Maybe that doesn’t sound late nowadays, but that was 1981 and life was different then. Ria came along three years later and then we agreed that two children were enough. It’s funny how things turn out. I had always wanted a large family, but after Ria was born I felt somehow complete. Jim was doing well as a company accountant and I was happy just being at home with the children. We did the usual things. Our home was comfortable and the kids were happy. When Ria was old enough we resumed our holidays abroad, visiting the Greek Islands we both loved so much. Another year we went to Spain and once we talked about a cruise, though that’s all it amounted to…just talk.
In 1991 Jim was given a big promotion and money wise we were set up for life. I’d just started doing part-time work in our local library, more for interest than any need for more money.
I can’t remember how it started, but one day Jim started talking about the new Disney Resort just being completed in Paris.
‘The kids would love it, ‘ he said, ‘just imagine the fun they’d have.’
And just imagine the fun you would have as well, I thought. Where did that come from? Jim was a good husband. What he sometimes lacked in imagination, he made up for in his naturally good nature and his open and honest personality. I pushed it out of my mind. The resort wouldn’t open for a year or two.

It was around Christmas that Jim started to talk about it again. That wasn’t unusual, we would often plan our holidays a year ahead. He had certain obligations to his work and we arranged our dates around the best times for him and the children. Normally we’d take two to three weeks in July and August abroad and then have a weeks holiday sometime in late October in the UK. Occasionally we might change the pattern, but I didn’t like the children missing their schooling. Ben was already showing signs of being a scholar and little Ria was doing as well in her own way.
I wonder if mother’s have that special bond with daughters? I know that Ria and I were as close as we could be. Perhaps my own anxieties rubbed off on her, as around that time she started having nightmares, that left her crying and shaken up.
‘What’s wrong, Petal?’ I would ask. She’d shake her head, she couldn’t remember.
Before long we booked a holiday in Portugal for a change and spent a few weeks just lazing around and doing a bit of sailing. Jim and I loved sailing and we’d taught the kids to swim almost before they walked. My parents still lived in Norfolk, so we’d make the trip from Swindon to spend a few days with them and a few days on the Broads.
The year passed quickly and just after Christmas Jim dropped his bombshell.
‘Here, take a look at this,’ he smiled as he passed me a large brown envelope.
Why were my fingers shaking already? Was that the first inclination of what was to come, after all, I’d told him about my strange phobia.
I remember trying to smile back. Ben was watching the TV and Ria was playing with a new game she’d had for Christmas. The click, click, buzz sound was registering in a hazy sort of way as my fingers fumbled with the contents of the envelope.

I knew what it was before the glossy brochure opened out to reveal the tickets inside. We were booked in to the Disney Hotel for two weeks in early July 1993. My mind went blank. I thought back to that day so long ago when I was just five years old. The hot day. The crowds of people and daddy holding me up so I could see the pretty floats passing by. Then came the terror. The blue sky was blotted out by a massive head bearing down on me. Two large gleaming eyes bored into mine, atop a large beaky nose just like the witch in my story book, though the big red mouth was pretending to smile. My screams echoed around the square and my head felt fuzzy, like when I was ill with the measles. I could never face any sort of carnival from that day on, so why had Jim booked a holiday where these monsters walked about freely, their large heads leering, their big hands ready to crush and maim?
‘What’s wrong, honey?’ he seemed genuinely surprised.
‘You know what,’ I tried to stay calm, aware of Ria looking over at me.
‘But that was when you were a kid. You know now that’s its just an ordinary person dressed up as a bit of fun?’
The Christmas tree lights were blinking, red, blue, yellow, orange, and green. I saw them through a haze of tears and had to run to the bathroom before I was sick.

Over the next few months I tried to get used to the idea that we were really going to Disneyland in Paris. Ben was trying to pretend that he was cool about it all, though I saw him and Jim with their heads together. Ria was looking forward to it and there were no more nightmares. I determined to overcome my strange phobia for the sake of the children. Besides, there was the promise of a trip to Paris. Not every day would be spent at the resort. I bought some new sexy underwear just in case we managed a romantic dinner for two and thought about all the things I could buy once in Paris.
The trip by plane went smoothly and our hire car was ready and waiting for us. The kids were tired out and dozing by the time we arrived at the hotel. The suite was luxurious and had the added advantage of a connecting door to the children’s bedroom. That night we ordered room service and ate a light but filling meal. So far everything was going fine.
I am always the first to awake. This morning I was glad that it was only 6am so I could get to the bathroom before Jim woke up. After my normal ablutions I found the bottle of “vitamin “ tablets that I’d put by the previous night. Opening the bottle I shook two yellow pills into the palm of my hand and swallowed them quickly. It hadn’t been hard to get my doctor to prescribe them. He knew of my phobia and some carefully controlled panic attacks ensured I had supplies for a month at least. I wasn’t worried about Jim taking them. They were labelled in my name and he never took pills unless he was in agony.
I snuggled back in bed, just in time for Ria to tap on the door and then launch herself onto our bed. I knew that Ben was waiting to join us, but trying to act all grown up.
In the end both joined us and we had our normal tickling session that started many of our holidays. Our suite had everything we needed for morning tea and coffee and we found soft drinks in the mini-bar for the kids.
Over breakfast in the main dining room we planned our first day. I felt relaxed partly due to the pills, but because I knew I didn’t have to face those monstrous heads until I was ready .
Jim and Ben were talking about some of the more adventurous rides and attractions. Some of these were restricted to age 12 and above, so Ria and I put our heads together and decided to try something very feminine.

I have never forgotten that first day and the magic that existed for a short time. Though Ria joined in all the sports with the family, she had her soft side and I wanted to make her a princess for the day. What did we do? My memories are clouded by what came later, but I know that our day was special. We went into the Disney castle and saw the Sleeping Beauty tale. Ria dressed up as Cinderella, first in her rags and then in her ball gown. We wandered through gardens fragrant with flowers and rode on a train that took us to have lunch in a fairy-tale grotto. Our picnic was laid out on green lawns with a table straight out of Alice in Wonderland. We sipped tea from dainty cups, ate tiny cakes and then wandered into a pavilion where we tucked into large burgers. Well you can’t eat a fairy tale!
Now and then we’d pass near to where the Disney characters were stopping children and having their photos taken. I tried. God how I tried to believe they were just ordinary people dressed up, but my heart told me different. I know that Ria sensed my discomfort and hesitantly I tried to explain my own childhood fears.
‘I think I know about it mummy. It’s like when daddy puts on his growly face.’
I knew that face, but I was surprised by her admission. Jim never let on about his bad moods when the children were around.
I could have asked more, but over the low hedge I could see Mickey Mouse come into view. I don’t know why, but I hated that figure. His big head and those silly ears. The eyes that glittered with hidden malice, the lips that curled up to most people, but to me I saw them as they were, curled down in a grimace of hatred. I remember reading Stephen King’s book, “It” and knowing why Pennywise the clown was such a bad person.
‘Lets go, honey,’ I said.
‘But we haven’t seen hardly anything yet,’; she moaned.
‘Trust me please, just this once. I’ll take you to the shops.’ I bribed her.
I bought her a fairy-tale dress, complete with Tiara and a golden wand.
‘You’re my own special fairy,’ I told her.

We joined our men that evening in a ranch-style restaurant that served good quality family meals with fancy names appealing to the kid’s imagination. Jim had ordered us two beers and as I was drinking mine I looked at the two heads bent so close together. Jim and Ben both had brown hair while Ria had kept her fine blonde hair, so near to mine in colour. I was alright for a short time but suddenly I could feel the tension of the day catching up with me. I had another bottle of tablets in my handbag, but I wanted a drink, so I held back.
When the meals were served I could feel myself starting to shake. Mutely I looked at Jim, begging him to sense my distress. I couldn’t have spoken a word to save my life.
Then he did look up as the plate of steak was put in front of him. Did he see my distress or was it just a co-incidence?
‘Let’s have a bottle of wine with this,’ he said, beckoning a waitress over.
In relief I swigged the rest of my beer, pouring a glass of wine as soon as it was placed on the table. Ria giggled over her ginger beer but Ben gave me a strange, studied look. Had Jim mentioned my phobia? I wondered.
Where did the time go to? Our meals were finished and I was aware that I’d drunk the best part of a bottle of wine.
‘I guess we should get back to the hotel,’ I said, thinking the night was over.
‘Oh no mum,’ Ben moaned,’ there’s a fireworks display tonight. Dad said you wouldn’t want to come, but I thought he was joking.’
What could I say? If only Ria’s eye’s hadn’t lit up with excitement as well. For a brief moment I saw her in her cheap gaudy dress with the foil-covered tiara and her plastic wand.
I don’t have to buy into this cheap, nasty fantasy, I thought.
Then the moment passed and grimly I resigned myself to facing my fears.

We joined the parade of happy families, dancing along, clapping their hands to the music and watching as the sky lit up with fireworks. Here and there I glimpsed a figure with a large head, but I thought I’d be alright with my family around me.
How fragile are our dreams sometimes. I was holding Ria’s hand when suddenly a huge figure loomed above us. You would think that Goofy couldn’t possibly look frightening…but the menace was overwhelming. His big snout pushed into my face as Ria crouched back behind me. His piggy eyes rolled and then one eye winked in an obscene fashion.
‘Jim, help me.’ I called out.
Then he and Ben were there, deliberately posing for a photograph.
‘No…God no…’ I heard myself whimper.
Then I felt his arm on mine.
‘Stop frightening the kids,’ Jim was actually shouting at me. I thought of the way he had listened to my fears and reassured me that he would never leave me for anything if I was afraid.
‘Ria’s already frightened,’ I said. ‘She doesn’t like them either.’
‘She’s just picking up on your own fear,’ he sounded impatient. ‘Why don’t you go back to the hotel and leave me and Ben to enjoy ourselves?’
I stumbled back and saw the contempt on his face. My anger carried me onwards for a brief moment and then I came to my senses.
My daughter was sobbing, her breath hitching in fear and misery.
‘Come on sweetheart,’ I said as I picked her up, ‘mummy will look after you.’
The route back should have been simple, but there were so many people milling around and, of course, I had to take a path away from the grotesque figures that dogged my every step.
In the end I found a gap in the crowd and putting Ria down I paused to catch my breath. It was a mistake. Moments later she screamed as a large white-gloved hand swept her up and started to run with her small body tossed over its shoulder. I didn’t stop to seek help. Something told me that I wouldn’t be believed and that monstrosity would get away with my daughter. A surge of adrenalin rushed through me and I started to sprint in the direction that thing had taken. I wouldn’t name it, be it Mickey or Minnie, Pluto, Goofy, whatever. To me they were all sexless things to fear and despise.
Was that why they had stolen Ria away from me? Just because I would never buy into their stupid dream factory?
‘Give her back, you bastard, ’I screamed at the top of my voice. But the people looked away in embarrassment. I saw Jim’s face in their eyes and knew he had conned me as surely as any crook.
The figure was getting away from me as I surged forwards, only to trip and scrape my knees. I got up again and started running for Ria’s life.
God, just give me my daughter back, I prayed, stumbling forwards, around a corner, bashing into walls, rebounding and still following the trail of that thing.
Blood dripped down my legs and pooled in my trainers and still I run on, around another corner, as it started to get darker and more like an industrial estate than a theme park.
Yet I knew I hadn’t run more than half a mile and this place was supposed to cover acres.
Ria’s cries were starting to fade and in despair I tried to push myself still further. I must have bumped into something because I felt a pain in my head and blood started to trickle into my eyes. I lashed out at the thing with my foot and was rewarded with a howl of pain.
My lungs were screaming for air as I rounded yet another corner and howled in despair as I was faced with a solid door.
He faced me then. The eyes burned red and his tongue licked his large lips as he leered at me. I saw Ria reach out for me and felt my arms go out to her. It was too late. I saw him reach up and lift the massive head free from the body. I swear there was nothing inside except for those glowing eyes and a thin, almost transparent white blob. A shape like a tentacle reached out and stuffed Ria inside the false head. Then it stepped through the door and vanished from my sight.

They said later that I run head-first into a service door, mere yards from where we had eaten earlier that evening. The blow knocked me out and I had concussion. That explained the stream of nonsense I started to spout as soon as I came round in the ambulance. I fought against the injection, but it was no use. Everybody was in it together, I finally saw it clearly.
Jim was there not long after I came around the first time. I hit him with my bandaged hand.
I don’t know where Ben was, probably being looked after by a social worker. All I know was that Ria was missing and nobody would believe what I saw.
‘Explain this, and this,’ I yelled, tearing the bandages from my arms and knees. My arms were raw from the tips of my fingers to just above my elbows. My knees were even worse, with cuts almost down to the bone. My feet were raw and bloodied. There was no sign of my socks or my trainers. My sarcasm was lost on them all. Just before they put me out again I heard Jim explain about my phobia, even showing the doctors the pills I had been prescribed and had mixed them with alcohol.

We stayed in France for over a month, while the police looked everywhere for our daughter.
Now I knew exactly what it was like to be the weeping woman on television, begging the captors to give back my child. Jim was heart-broken and slowly I started to forgive him for his part in the nightmare I had suffered that night. I told myself that these things were clever. They mingled in with the actors behind the costumes and only showed themselves to people like me who saw through their disguise. I even felt sorry for him when the dogs found a bloodied pair of girl’s panties near to our hotel. Had I hallucinated that night? I don’t think so. Ria was with me, so how could she have been abducted and raped by her own father?
It was Ria’s blood on the knickers though and minute traces of semen with Jim’s DNA.
Had she started her periods early and somehow the few spots of blood came from that romp in bed our first morning in France? We had made love the night before.
Could those things have managed to bend reality as they had done with me?
The nightmare went on and on. I wanted to stay in France, but eventually a case was brought against Jim and he was convicted of the manslaughter of his daughter.
He managed to kill himself three years ago. Either his ghosts caught up with him, or he had a little help from his friends.
When I first came home from France I spent nearly a year in a mental hospital while they tried to break my story. They never succeeded. Ben stayed with my parents until I was deemed harmless and then he eventually came home to me. I never asked him about that night in France. In turn he didn’t ask me either. Of course he left me when he went to University and no-one was prouder than me when he scooped his 1st honours degree in science. His father was proud of him as well. A chip off the block, he called him. It wasn’t up to me to say that was in rather poor taste under the circumstances.
Did I hold Jim to blame for Ria’s disappearance? I suppose I did, since he had branded me as mentally unfit to look after my children until he was arrested. I never blamed him for her supposed death…I still believe she is alive somewhere.
Ben was upset over Jim’s suicide. I think he knew more than he was letting on.
But by then he had married Melinda and Jake had come along a year before his granddad died.

I’ve been standing in the shadows for some time now. I couldn’t wait until the first day of the holiday. Jake is so trusting. He loves meeting people and unlike Ria, he has no fear of those things. I am not going to wait any longer…this farce has gone on long enough.
The shadows part and there are two of the figures. I recognise the abductor from that time so many years ago now.
‘Give me my daughter back.’ I am resolute.
‘What will you give me for her?’ it asks.
‘You took her innocence, you took her father, isn’t that enough?’
‘I want Jake instead, the girl is a woman now. She doesn’t interest us anymore.’
‘You shan’t have Jake. He is pure and baptised.’
The figure hisses. I wasn’t sure about the baptism, but Melinda, a staunch catholic, would only marry Ben if he promised to allow their children to be brought up in the faith. I gambled on something nebulous, maybe sometimes faith in anything is enough.
The other figure takes off the giant head. She has grown, but the face is the same.
‘Can you come back now?’ I ask her.
The smile is the same. A little hesitant…well that’s only natural after so long in darkness.
‘I would rather die free than live in this way.’
‘There’s a lake here now. Shall we watch the sun come up again?’
‘I’d like that.’
I sit with my daughter on the shores of a lake in a crummy theme park that once scared me shitless because of so many things I never understood. Innocence is freedom, maggots crawl in the flesh of the dead. The sun is beginning to rise.
‘Shall I do it?’ I have to ask her.
‘Please mummy.’
The knife tears through the skin of the beast. It’s just like peeling back the skin of some strange exotic fruit. She falls into my arms, my own daughter, pink and shiny like a new-born child. I am trembling with joy and fear that she will vanish again.
We walk into the lake together. The water is warm and it cleans the slime from her body.
I have a pack up on the beach with extra clothing , but for now I just want to hold her and discover the joy of my adult daughter.
‘You should have told me.’ I say.
‘I was ashamed. That’s why I had the nightmares.’
‘How long did those things feed off your shame?’
‘Longer than they should have. Tell me, mum, was it very bad for him?’
‘Towards the end, yes, it was. Only I knew he hadn’t killed you. It should never have happened though.’
She lies in the shallows for a while and then turns over, relishing the feeling of her new, adult body. ‘You came back for me.’ she says.
‘Of course, though I needed a push in the right direction. You see, I had started to think I may have been sick myself.’
‘How are you going to explain me back from the dead?’
‘I don’t think we should explain you. Say rather that you are my niece, just back from working abroad. I can get papers and things. I learnt a lot when Jim was inside.’
‘I’m sorry…’
She’s my own Ria, an attractive woman now…a child no longer.
I will never know what those things are and whether they live in other people’s darkness. I only know that in faith I beat them back.
‘Come on,’ I say, time to meet your nephew.

*