Immaterial

Cherry

By Raef_Boylan

Mon, 19 Aug 2013
  • 2203 reads
8 comments
 

 

 

My sincere apologies - I've had to remove the body of this work temporarily, as it might form part of my coursework. I will post it back up as soon as I am able. Thanks.

Certificate 12
Story

Comments

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on

Welcome to ABC Raef. Really impressed by this peice - wonderful ending. I'm not sure about the lack of punctuation in some places. I thought it might be deliberate at first, but as it's not carried through the whole story, you might want to go back through and give it a good edit. I hope you post more soon!

 

Submitted by Raef_Boylan on

Hey, thanks for the welcome and the read. That's a good point you make; I think because the final part was written at a later date I need to be careful that the style (e.g. less punctuation) matches the rest  of the piece a bit better. Cheers for your feedback, it's appreciated.

Submitted by Matthew_J_Barton on

The lack of puntuation for me worked well, like in a lot of novels it sets a fast pace and a coversational feel, meaning the reader is never caught on awkwardly slow dialogue because it's fully punctuated.

It kind of reminded me of a Will Self style absorbtion into the universe it's set, as if the the writer was so engrossed with what happened that he remembers even the smallest detail, or that the his imagination filled it with so much stuff that to him it almost became real.

I wasn't expecting that ending, but I guess it makes sense when you think of how during the previous day you were advocating and glorifying a life on the road, so the idea that it could be the narrators fault is an interesting one, especially if this is real and actually happened to you or someone you know!

I'm interested to know the aftermath!

Matt

 

I try my best to write gripping, interesting stories about real people in difficult circumstances. I also enjoy reinventing classics in a much darker, more horrificly gothic style.

Submitted by Raef_Boylan on

Cheers Matthew, glad you think the narrative pace worked.

Submitted by Canonette on

This is great too - I think the structure works really well.  It's funny but also full of wisdom - you're right - all relationships are a gamble! (Though, life would have dealt you a pretty rough hand, to consider Jenna a good bet!).

 

Submitted by Raef_Boylan on

Cool, thanks very much for the positive feedback - and yeah, I think you're right: their future as flatmates doesn't look good haha!

Submitted by Ray Schaufeld on

Both the narrator and Jenna are well drawn. Edgy ending, is she genuinely trying to help? We have Jennas' words but we do not have her thoughts...

Submitted by Raef_Boylan on

Thanks for reading all my stories. Yeah I'm not 100% sure about Jenna, but I like to think she was genuinely trying to help...