When does it stop

It never stops; even when I thought it did.

It's an enigma; depression is a vicious cycle because it doesn't end even when I want it to more than anything. Do I? Sometimes I miss it when it's gone because it was all that has consumed me. You get a glimpse of bright light and you think finally”you're on the right track. Then expectations one over another, it fails on you entirely and you come crashing down all over again. So when does it stop?

My world revolves around razor blades, cutters, broken glass whatever I can find, just to get me through. But then the thrill stops too, ironically enough it doesn't stop me from spilling more blood. The pain never left, it's a tumor as I call it. You can cut it off as much as you'd like, but it grows back stronger than ever. When it takes over, you want to escape yet, dwell on the pain at the same time.

It's an obsession.

Depression never ends, it creeps up and hits you so far down, you can't decide whether to get up or to stay there because taunting yourself of a recovery only leads you to a trap. A trap of failures haunting you wherever you go, it doesn't stop, does it?

It's overwhelming pain.

You feel it, it's the pain of not knowing why you've have grown into something you hate so much. It's unanswered questions to why you're not "fine.

But when it's gone.

You want it back, you need it back. Because it was all you ever knew. All you've ever loved and all that has never left you at your best or worst. Not like some people, who abandons you in the middle of this cold night. It is what you have come to rely on so much, and it stings. Because”it's force, and the power it has over you is so undeniably beautiful.

So when does it stop?