B) The Little Man In The Boat

The Little Man In The Boat By Rusty Haight

I was going down on my girlfriend. I think it
may have been a Tuesday. Anyhow, I had
devised a pretty good technique for giving face. I'd just close my eyes
and lick the alphabet; A-B-C and so on, first capitals, then lower case
and if it really took her awhile to get off, I'd do numbers. I could
usually make her come at around forty seven.
So there I was, just about to put the dot on the lower-case j and I
saw something peeking out. I slowed down my tongue and tried to get a
closer look but it darted back in. Perhaps I was imagining things. I
kept on licking away. Then I saw it again. I knew it couldn't be my
imagination, I had definitely seen something. I tapped my girlfriend on
the thigh.
"Honey..." She didn't respond. "Uh ... darling."
"What?" she gasped. "What's the problem?"
I was unsure of how to broach the subject delicately.
"I saw something funny down there," was the best I could do.
"You what?" she asked, annoyed at the interruption.
"I saw something poking out of you and I'm not sure what it
was."
"Exactly what are you trying to say?"
I shrugged. "I'm not sure. I just saw something. I thought I should
bring it to your attention."
"Are you trying to raise some sort of question about my hygiene?" she
asked. That woman of mine did not like to be interrupted.
"No," I said, trying to maintain calm. "All I'm saying is that I
thought saw something poking out and when I looked at it, it
went back in. Let's just forget about it." What letter was I at
again?
My tongue started again.
"What are you doing now?" she asked.
"I'm forgetting about it," I said.
"Get of out there, I'm not in the mood anymore." She pushed my head
out of the way. Fine. I jerked off and that was the end of it.
That night I lay there, looking at the ceiling, listening to her
snore. I'd all but forgotten about our little tiff. Then I heard a
voice, whispering, very, very quietly.
"Hey!" I almost couldn't make it out. "Hey!" Someone was calling me. I
looked on the pillow beside me. No signs of life. It seemed to be
coming from under the covers.
"Hey!" I stuck my head beneath the sheets. The voice kept calling
me.
"Over here, you big jerk." It seemed to be coming from my girlfriend's
navel. No, lower. It was her cunt. Was it talking to me? Was I losing
my mind?
"I'm in here!" the voice yelled. It was definitely coming from her
cunt. I got my head in right close. It was a good thing she was such a
heavy sleeper. I pulled the lips apart slowly.
I heard the voice coming from inside. It sounded like it was at the
end of a long hallway.
"Well, well, well."
"Who's there?" I whispered.
"None of your business," called the voice.
"What's going on here?" I asked. "Who are you? How did you get in
there."
The voice ignored me. "Listen pal," it said. "I'm only going to say
this once. Stay the hell away from here, okay? Just stay away."
"Stay away?"
"Yeah, that's right, I'm tired of your big, wet tongue down
here."
"Come out of there," I said.
"No," said the voice. "I don't want to."
"You're what I saw today. I knew I saw something."
"Yeah, you saw me. I see you all the time and I'm sick of your ugly
face so keep away. It's the last time I'm going to tell you."
"No," I said. "I'm not going to stay away." I paused for a moment.
"Jesus, I'm talking to a cunt."
"No you're not!" screamed the voice. "You're talking to me! This cunt
is my home!"
"Well, I didn't know crabs could talk."
"I am not a crab!" yelled the voice, irate.
I waited a moment, then saw a tiny head poke out. It was a little man.
His head was the size of my thumbnail. I was in shock.
"Oh, my god, what are you?"
He sneered. "I'm the little man in the boat."
"Where's your boat?"
"Never mind that. Just heed my warning. Keep away!" He pointed a tiny
finger at me. With that he disappeared.
"Hey!" I yelled. "You get back here." I jabbed at him with my index
finger, actually pushing it into my girlfriend's vagina.
"Ow!" she screamed, leaping up, finally awake. "What in the hell are
you doing?"
I was dumbfounded.
"I was trying to sleep, you bastard! I'm not in the mood for your
clumsy advances!"
"Sorry," I muttered. She rolled over and went to sleep. I stayed up in
a cold sweat. I could hear the little jerk laughing at me.
The next day the two of us were in bed, or I guess the three of us you
could say. He was still there, I was sure of it. My girlfriend began to
kiss me and rub my shoulders. I pulled away.
"What's wrong?"
"Uh ... nothing." We continued to kiss. I was scared. Pretty soon we
were naked. I decided to forego cunnilingus. I didn't want to look down
there. I had no idea what would happen if we had sex but I was horny.
As soon as I inserted I heard "Hey!"
"Oh shit!" I muttered.
"What?" She asked. "Did the condom break?"
"No."
"Then what?"
"Nothing."
I took another stroke. More yelling from down below.
"Ow! Fuck you!"
I climbed off.
"What?" she was annoyed.
I shook my head. "I can't do this."
"Why not?"
I was mortified. "I just can't." I took the condom off and threw it in
the trash.
I lay awake again that night, listening to her. When I was sure she
was out I went between her legs.
"Look you asshole, I know you can hear me in there. You're ruining my
sex life. Come out of there."
I heard the voice. "No, fuck you."
"I said get out here!"
"This is my home," said the little voice. I'm tired of you
interrupting my peace and quiet, I'm tired of being poked by you and
all the other guys she fucks on the side."
I was enraged. "Get out here now!"
"No! I don't have to do anything," the voice taunted.
"I hate you," I told him. I'm going to get you if it's last thing I
do."
I thought about that little man a lot. Where had he come from. Had he
been there all along? If so, why had I never noticed him? What did he
do during her cycle? I was losing sleep over this type of thing.
The next day my girlfriend was feeling randy again. I decided to go
with it. The hell with him. I'd poke the shit out of him. As soon as I
stuck it in I heard it again.
"Ow!" I shoved it in harder. "Ow! You fuck!"
I slammed her harder and faster than I ever had. I pounded it in deep,
all the while thinking of revenge.
"Ow! Ow! Stop it! Stop it!"
She was loving it. I must have made her come about a dozen times. I
held off as best I could to get more shots in.
"Take that!" I muttered. "Die! Die!" Finally I came.
That night he talked to me again.
"Now you're in for it, wise guy. I tried to warn you."
"What are you going to do?" I taunted him. "You're not even the size
of my thumb."
"Mark my words," said the little voice inside the cunt. "You'll pay."
I grinned to myself. I was getting to him.
My girlfriend was surprised at how much more interested in sex I was
than usual. If only she knew. I had a plan of attack now. I reached in
her panties and started to finger-fuck her. I swished around inside and
tried to poke at him.
"Where are you?" I muttered. I kept pinching my fingers together,
hoping to crush his puny head. Evidently this felt good. Still I
couldn't find him. Then I heard laughing. It wasn't coming from the
usual place. I felt like it was coming from my own head if that was
possible. Like it was echoing into my brain.
"Where are you?" I whispered.
"I told you I'd get you!" hissed the voice. "I crawled inside your
asshole while you were asleep!"
I pulled my finger out and ran to the washroom screaming. "Get out!
Get out! You bastard! I'll shit you out! I'll get you I swear!" He
laughed and laughed. My girlfriend got out of bed and ran in, to see
what was going on. I had a finger up my ass and I was cursing and
promising revenge.
"What are you doing?" she shrieked.
"Never mind!" I slammed the door.
I started to cry.
"Get out! Get out of me, please, I'll do whatever you want."
"No," he said. "I like it in here. I think I'll stay."
"Please," I begged.
"I'll think about it," said the little voice. "Now how about I jump up
and down on your bladder!"
"Ack! No!" It was horrible. He tap danced on my guts.
There was a banging on the door.
"Are you okay in there? What's happening?"
"I'll be out in a minute!"
I tried to reason with him. "Look, I'm sorry about all that's
happened, I really am. I'll leave her alone, I won't bother you
anymore, just get out of me! I swear, just leave and I'll never bother
you again."
"Break up now!" yelled the voice. "Tell her you don't want to see her
anymore. Tell her there's someone else."
"Okay, okay." I opened the door. "Honey ... I'm sorry but I don't
think we should see each other anymore."
"What?" she was pissed off.
"I'm sorry, there's someone else."
She smacked me across the face.
"Don't be mad." Crack! She hit me again.
"Get out! Get out! Take your things and get out!" She threw my clothes
at me. It was a shame. I would miss her, even if her crotch was
infested with strange little men.
True to his word, the little man was gone. I got on with my life. It
was hard getting over the break up but soon I had met someone
new.
We had been fooling around a little and dating sort of casually. Then
one day we were back at her place. We were necking and things were
getting kind of intense. She pulled out a condom. "Why don't you put
this on?"
"You're ready?" I asked. It'd been a few weeks already. She nodded. I
complied.I kissed her on the mouth and slowly stuck my protected penis
inside of her. That's when it happened. Another little voice.
"Ow! Fuck off!"
I screamed and took off running for the door.