10 Days Prior St Valentine's

The aftermath, an unexpected utterance of a thousand whispers, music humming amongst the cloudy atmosphere of a world I have yet to explore. Questions stunt me immediately, of who I am. I sit on the window sills, balancing gracefully on the edge of a door to a temptation of death that greeted me whimsically. Questions pose me, I am daunted by their meaning. What is life, God, and beyond the sky? I look back at my 15 year old self, and have only just discovered the joy of Japanese film, and the benefit and neccessity of free health care. I had previously declared that Love and Hate was simply passion in negative and positive form. A frequency in which we ride, a wave that fluctuates each day, of every hour, due to the consequences of our actions and external forces. I believe that the divine is channeled through us, the energy that is, and what ever it is that we think about manifests into reality. That is science.

Religion and science however, are not that unsimilar. They are merely complimentary explanations for the same thing. We all endear these philosophies, and each individual has their own perspectives on the matter. It is complicated, intricate and experience alone teaches us what it means to be human. I have witnessed, great truth, wisdom gained from a path which, if I hadn't followed, would not bring me here today. Although I do see the reasons why it has done so, and I trust that God has allowed things to happen this way, or else I wouldn't be writing this now. Why it is so, I do not know the facts. Why I have cried, died spiritually and elapsed into a new phase, another chapter of this big book, recorded by memory, mine is fading, I fear that I may have induced something like a coma state, when I sleep tonight I will die again, and like the Phoenix, rise from my ashes of yesterday. As the skin sheds it's cells like a snake, regenerating my body, the greatest tool I will ever possess. The one instrument that will stay with me for life. I must be sure to take care of it. It is undoubtable, when they say, you must love yourself before you can love another. I'm not entirely convinced this is solely romantic love. But I am luckier than most to say, I have shared 'love' with the hearts and souls of many, remained in touch with family, and touch wood, had pretty clear health wth little implications. On the other hand, unfortunately I have damaged myself over the years with substance abuse, been tangled in toxic relationships, and not appreciated my life. I have a big heart, I care about people even though I may have been forgotton. And that's okay. I will rehearse the lessons I have been offered in life, contemplate the next stages, and try to improve myself. After all, we need each other to survive. Potentially, I could be a really nice girlfriend, a decent daughter and a companionable sibling, perhaps even an understanding friend. I think we are on earth to learn, may be our souls chose to be born here to reflect on some aspects we were missing in previous life times. I don't know, I'm just guessing.

After studying the religions I have decided that any path to God is good enough, yet when we see war in other countries, and the reasons being placed on faith groups, for 'terrorist' agendas, power, land, and money, it inhibits the judgement of the masses and propogates a message of hate and destruction, when religion is purely peaceful and about living well and trying to be holy. It is a few concerningly brainwashed people who have fallen victim to participating in War.

I have endured a psychic battle. Personally, I didn't expect this. During the drugs, I was hazy, distorted, you could say corrupt. But it is written. I am writing this now, as a promise, to myself, and the world. Things are going to get better. The magic and manipulation on this planet is strong and extremely dangerous. I would never wish that on my worst enemy (not that I have enemies, for I do not possess the capacity to discriminate or feel hatred, sometimes in a fleeting moment, I convince myself it's for the best, then minutes later, I revoke those thoughts)

I desired wealth, health, love and self expression. It is a lot more plausible that the old ideas. Yes, scrap the system. We're done with a socio-economic heirachy, be gone with poverty, family struggles and unfair and unjust decisions by government we cannot trust. It is time for the world like myself, as God reigns in me, just as it does my neighbour, we shall rise together and reflect, dig deep into our souls and remember, that we are all the same on the inside. Our objectives and aspirations as peaceful beings do not interrupt or condemn another's practices. God spoke to me before I went into a mental hospital (slightly prophesised in My Neurosis, but I'm moving on from that episode) We all have a soul mission. It is not delusion, it is trust. As a Journalism student, I dislike the representation on the Media. It is of no avail to me, with their empty promises and propostorous plastered on disguised grimace... I want to do something great. I sometimes think it is just a dream, if Jesus made an impact in history and was a good teacher and brought healing to the distressed, then can he not live on in us? Like Buddha or Mohammad (Peace be upon him) or Ghandi? What I'm attempting to say here is, with out causing offence, that having someone to lookup to, information changes people, all we absorb infects the brain, and it is not always good. Were you ever bullied at school? It's like when we are told something enough times, we become that idea. That's psychology. So media, government, and commercial franchises, are all forms of advertising to inject a vision into your mind. You begin to like it, trust it and follow it, sometimes religiously.

I know the world is bigger than me, my small world is just about to get a whole lot bigger. There are others like me on my path, I will also encounter people who see things from the other side; I have been there, I shall not judge. If I can help, I will help. I have felt as if I were a doormat, I have let many people inside me. I am baffled at the way they have influenced me and created my outlook. I am certain of something, in the famous words of John Lennon "The world is run by crazy people for crazy motives" and Love is the answer, to all life's problems.

Love is God.

Love brings us closer.

There are many concepts of love, no two loves are the same. As I wrote in periphral-mind.blogspot.co.uk

The voices still get rude to me, as I am not always friendly, I have an angst, burdening me with the guilt of previous stages in my life, I hope to become more holistic and real. For it will have a chain reaction to those I immediately approach, and that energy is vital to the survival of our society. It is about to break, exclusion, gossip, defamation and selfishness will be the end of mankind.

I was recently asked, what the future of evolution was, at the time I was dumbfounded. In hindsight, I already knew.

Heaven and hell exist in the mind. I was told in a dream by an ex-accomplice.

The famous last words of The Catcher in the Rye, "Don't get too close to people, otherwise you start to miss them."

I woke up alone. I guess it was inevitable. It's the divine plan. For each soul has a precious life, with it a reason to be here, and gifts from God. There is always a welcoming light in the darkness. Hope, Love and Faith is all we need. Communication is key, we must not let the evil spies plot against our community spirit. We all need jobs, people to visit, and shelter to stay. I have been blessed, for some I have met and known personally, the horrors of tomorow's generation. A pool of apparently mindless messy youth.

Universal love vs. depression. How we feel about ourselves, reflects on others. Lust is temptation, love is selfless. We do small things that measure up and climax to a peak which reveal to us who we truly are. We will not want to accepr the truth at first, but undeniably so, we are made in God's image. God has become money, we worship it's value more than each other. That is because we are oppressed by immediate drowning of the messages thrown in our faces of what we are supposed to be. We are scared of being unloved, lost and lonely forever. In due course, I feel the distractions, of wanting something more than what first meets the eye. If a child is made out of love, then should we behold the choice to play God? I have many times, done wrong by others. I am afraid of tomorrow, but I will embrace it with a chance of benefit in the long run. Continue studying outside interests, and my journey of enlightenment. There is so much yet I have to say, I cherish it in my heart, knowing those thoughts go out into the world.

Unfathomable, is the word that comes to mind.

Ambition is something we all deserve.

Depression is an illness that needs a cure.

Love is the answer.