We

I suppose it should be strange that I’m standing here alone on my birthday. But it’s really not. I knew he wouldn’t come, and I don’t mean that in some pathetic self pitting way, I mean I knew.

The same way I know the sky is blue and the way I know I will wake up tomorrow completely unfazed by these evenings’ events. I don’t know why I put up with it. With all intense reasoning I really don’t have to. After all we never have to do anything, we don’t have to work or even eat; we really don’t have to live. Look at bums and anorexics. We really don’t have to even be real if we don’t want to. Look at Michael Jackson.

I know it might sound as though I am taking things to literally but that is the only way to take life as far as I’m concerned. I figure if I don’t give myself credit for even attempting life on a daily basis I might one day just stop trying.

So why was I standing on a street corner alone on my birthday? Well I have very useless friends and an even more useless boyfriend. So why bother? I figure its better to have people you can’t count on than to have no people at all.

There is no point in getting all worked up; after all it is my birthday. Screw the boyfriend and the friends, I’ll call Jerry. He’s a very hot little asshole who is always ready to party. I wouldn’t really call us friends but its better than being alone. I bet if I tell him it’s my birthday he’ll give me some free coke and that can’t be a bad thing at this point.

Jerry is one of those people that everyone seems to know. I can’t go to a party these days without someone bringing something or someone that they got from Jerry. To be honest I don’t think Jerry is his real name, and for some undeniable reason it irritates me that I don’t know the truth. Not that it would make any difference to our relationship I just hate not knowing things.

I remember in elementary school I actually got in trouble for asking too many questions. The teacher sent me to the principal’s office and told Principal Dane that I needed a break and could return to class when I learned to show my teacher more respect. They called my dad and explained to him what had happened. He had this real mean look on his face and told them that he would deal with me and he assured them that when I returned on Monday I would have “a much better demeanor.” After we left the school parking lot he took me to get some ice cream and told me that he was proud to have a son like me.

“You can’t just swallow all that shit they feed to you. Never stop asking questions boy. You wont get anywhere in this world if you only have the mind they want you to have. Just try not to get sent to the principal’s office any more it’ll make your mother upset, and don’t tell her about the ice cream that will upset her to.”

I don’t know if I really understood everything he said but I know that from that day I understood what was important in life, knowing the truth, not making my mother upset and ice cream.

I called Jerry; he always answered his phone even if he was in the most crowed room he would answer. I noticed that it was not quite right that I could always count on Jerry who was practically a stranger to me but I really couldn’t count on the people I found worthy of calling my friends.

Sometimes it is easier to talk to strangers; I think it’s the freedom. You never care what they think because you hardly know them; it’s almost like talking to yourself except that there is a warm body to absorb the thoughts you are throwing out.

“Jerry. It’s me Melanie.”

I had only gone by Melanie for about two years. When I first moved to California from Minnesota I told people my name was Sam. I figured it was safe. I could be a boy and a girl at the same time. It took a long time for me to be comfortable with the idea that others might not be comfortable with who I am.

My father passed away when I was fourteen, so if you ask me why I don’t smoke cigarettes like everyone else the simple answer is it took my dad or maybe he gave in to it either way its not something I want to be part of.

When I graduated from high school I knew I wanted to change my life and since I didn’t want to upset my mother I got accepted to UCSF so that I could be who I wanted to be without hurting her. What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her right? I have this feeling that if my dad was still alive this is exactly what he would have suggested I do. He wouldn’t have wanted me to lie and he wanted me to happy but we both know it would have been easier if I just went away.

“Mel!” Jerry yelled into the phone.
“You sound like you’re having a good night,” I must admit that when he called me Mel I couldn’t help but smile. I could hear the music in the background, it sounded like a house party it wasn’t loud enough to be a club.
“Ya well you know me always on the look out for fun!” There was a long pause and I could hear him talking to someone else near by. “What you up to love?”
“Well today is my birthday, I’m 20 today.”
“Kick ass! What are you doing for the big day?”

I decided to make up a story about family visiting me during the day and Mike taking me out to dinner be for he went to work. I’d like to say that I didn’t care about Jerry’s opinion but I didn’t want him to think I was that big of a loser. I told him that everyone was working and no one could stay out late.

“What a bunch of bitches. Forget them, where you at, I’ll pick you up and we will party till your 21st!”
He never failed to make me blush. “I’m in front of the Sam’s sandwiches on A Street.”
“Alright give me ten minutes.”

He was there in eight. He was such a strange kind of person. He seemed to care about nothing and everything all at the same time. As I crawled into his beautiful dark blue Mustang I felt very different. Suddenly I wasn’t just that say little girl who got left on her birthday. Now I was one of those cool people you always see. They have that look on their face like “anywhere I am in the place to be.” I didn’t have a care in the world, there was just me and Jerry and I was up for anything. I knew with him I wouldn’t go home till the sun came up and I was thoroughly plastered.

“How’s it going love?”
“Fine, whatever. So what where you up to before I called?”
“A party at Kira’s. We can head back there if you want.”
“Sure I’m cool with that.” I had been informally introduced to Kira a few times. It was those kinds of introductions where each time the other person acts like they have no idea who you are but are so pleased to see you.

At the first party I went to where I met Kira I spent most of the night talking with this sexy girl named Sandra. Sandra certainly knew more about the people at that party than I ever cared to know. She told me that ‘Kira’ was a made up name. His real name was Dave and he was not 23 like he claimed but rather 29. Supposedly he had moved to California because he was involved in some kind of hate crime in his home town, somewhere in Utah. Some guys found out that he like to dress like a girl and they beat him unconscious. When he got out of the hospital his mother put him on a plane and told him to find more understanding people. Kira had it kinda hard, he wasn’t gay, and he actually had a very lovely girlfriend. I know that might be hard for people to understand, and I’m sure his mother just figured it would be easier for him to go away instead of waiting for people to try and understand.

I’m not saying that anything is any easier for me; sometimes I wish that being trans was as easy as being gay. However I would never say that to any gay guy, that’s a debate that no one wants to have. There is nothing sadder than watching a bunch of queers trying to convince each other that they are the one who has it the worst. Gay, lesbian, trans, bi or what ever people are calling themselves, it matters very little if you ask me. The point is you can call a cow whatever you want to call it but there, you can even call it God, and there will always be some one who wants to kill it and someone who wants to save it.

“You know Kira?”
“Not really, we’ve met a few times but never really talked.”

Kira lived in south city in a really nice place. I often wondered where people got the money to live like rock stars. I admit I tried to live well beyond my means. I was a lowly college student with a very minimal income but I did my best to look like I ruled the city.

When we got to the house there were tons of cars, real nice ones and real junky ones. That might be one of the things I liked best out living in the city, it was really easy to meet people with lots of money and people with almost none, and if there was a party with drugs and alcohol you could see them all together. I don’t know if this sounds right but maybe all we need to fix some of the problems in the world is to just get people together and party.

It seems that a lot of economic and racial lines dissolve when people are having a good time and what better way to have a good time than to have a party. I understand that I am probably giving people to much credit but I do that. When we got into the party there were massive clouds of smoke everywhere and the token vomit guy over by the window. Kira was walking around the house barefoot having abandoned the heals after his tenth shot of vodka.

“Jerry where the fuck did you go?”
“I had to get Mel.” I waved shyly as he introduced me. “Have you met?”
“I don’t think so, hi babe welcome to my home its nice to met you.”
“Hi, its very nice to meet you. You have a great place.”

Is it strange that I am so used to being forgotten that I wasn’t the least bit insulted or surprised by Kira’s reintroduction?

“Come on Mel, lets get a drink.” Jerry tool my hand and led me into the kitchen. There were cups, plastic and glass, scattering the table and counter tops. After searching for a few seconds me a Jerry decided that it wasn’t worth it to find cups and we chugged straight from the bottle of vodka. It burned like crazy but it was just what I had been craving all day. After I swallowed two mouthfuls I was ready to dance a little. Jerry grabbed my arm before I had a chance to leave the kitchen for the living room where everyone was dancing.

“For the birthday girl . . .” he pulled a flask of green apple vodka. “Enjoy sweet heart.” He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.
“Thanks, wanna share it?”
“No its all for you.”

I smiled a smile so flirty you could have accused me of cheating on Mike and I might not be able to defend myself. As I turned to go out and dance in the living room I made a decision that if at all possible I would be having sex with Jerry tonight. Like I said I didn’t know much about Jerry. It was certainly possible that he was gay and even if he was it was still possible that he would be willing.

Once I got out on the dance floor I was reminded how much I love drunk dancing. Forgive me for the offensive analogy but its like being a kid again. When your little and you dance around there isn’t a thing in the world that could make you feel bad about it, all you can think about it having fun and spinning and spinning and spinning until your feet feel like they lift up of the ground. As children we have no shame and no worry about embarrassment. As we get older we are suddenly conscious of ourselves which means we are ashamed of almost anything that makes us happy. But when I get drunk I feel like a kid again. There is nothing and no one that can make me feel wrong. I’m light on my feet, spinning and spinning and spinning until I forget I’m supposed to be anything and I can just float as if I was a note in the music.

It only took half the flask to make me feel good but it took the rest of it to make me forget that I ever had a care or problem in the world. By then Jerry was dancing with me. Soon we made our way out onto the porch so that we were dancing together and alone. Free to be as inconsiderate and immoral as we wanted. I know that its wrong to say that at this point I forgot that I ever had a boyfriend but I was well on my way.

I started thinking things like, “he wants me to do this, if he didn’t he would have made an effort to be with me on my birthday.” I was just trying to justify the fact that I was having a great time and was having no remorse, it was as if me and Mike had just broken up and I was rejoicing. Jerry was certainly no help to anything. He didn’t say a word he just kept holding my hand and dancing with me. I wanted him to agree that I should just forget Mike, if he did then I would know that he was into something happening. But he just kept quiet. Soon the conversation moved from Mike and all I could talk about was how good I felt and how I wanted to leave the party.

“So where are we going now?” I laughed and pulled at Jerry’s arm. I pretended to trip so that I could grab onto him tighter and I pulled him really close. Drinking is like a free ticket to do basically whatever you want.

“I didn’t realize we were leaving.”
“Oh come on! I’m bored, all these loud obnoxious people. Can’t we go somewhere else?”

He smiled at me with such a sneaky look; I knew he was thinking just what I wanted him to think. I had got him and he was going to be mine. Boys are so easy, they are always thinking about getting laid anyway so if you just give them an inch they will usually run with it. The minute I saw that look on his face I took the lead and was magically sober enough to make all the decisions necessary.

“Come on.” I whispered. I pulled him by his jacket and we started walking towards the car.
“Hey I think that both of us are a little to drunk to drive.”
“Don’t worry were not going far.” I climbed into the driver seat and turned on the car. He seemed to get a very shy face as if he suddenly realized that I wasn’t bluffing. I could only hope he wouldn’t chicken out at the last minute. It may seem wrong that I would take Jerry to a place where Mike had taken me but it was the closet most secluded place I could think of. Just up the hill a little past Kira’s house there was this big house that was being remodeled so it was empty and all the area around it was open and empty. No one would be there at night, the owners and the workers wouldn’t be there and we would be far enough from anyone that we certainly wouldn’t be bothered. I was just sober enough to find it and just drunk enough to almost hit a poll pulling into the half paved driveway.

As I turned off the car I looked at Jerry and smiled knowingly, he still had the same shy smile on his face. Maybe this was his first time with another man. I know I look like a girl but Jerry knew my anatomy didn’t match. I leaned over and started kissing him. His bashful smile transferred into his body language. It felt like he wasn’t sure how to touch me or kiss me back.

“Just relax, come here.” I slid into the back seat and pulled him with me. I kissed him lightly first on the lips and then his cheeks and then his neck. Finally he exhaled and wrapped his arms around me.

I could still feel tension in his arms and in his lips, there is no lying in situations like this, we may all think we can play it cool but when people are this close you can always tell how someone is feeling sometimes you just don’t care.

I ran my fingers threw his hair and then let my hands fall making there way to his waist. While I was kissing his neck I ran my fingers along his belt line just to tease him a little. I reached my hand under his shirt and moved toward his chest. I felt his hands tighten and clinch my back. I paused and pulled my head back without moving my hands. He wasn’t looking at me; his eyes were fixed on the ceiling of the car.

I could feel myself breathing hard but I didn’t want him to think I was mad. You never know how much you don’t know until you know more. The people in this world have so many secrets, we simply think too much. In a world full of knowledge with so many ways to gain it we continuously find ourselves completely in the dark. And there in the dark I found myself grasping one of Jerry’s hidden breasts, wrapped tightly down but there none the less.

“You could have told me.” I stilled hadn’t move my hand and Jerry was still not looking at me.
“I should go.”
“No, wait.” Wait for what? I thought to myself. I had never been with a woman, and I had certainly not anticipated being with one tonight. But I found myself still yearning to be with Jerry and I desperately wanted him to want to be with me.

I reached up and tilted his head down. I kissed him. Finally I felt his lips kiss me back and his clinched hands began caressing my back. He wanted to as well. Although we fumbled slightly, neither quiet sure how to fuck someone of the opposite sex, we managed to make love in the back of Jerry’s car.

As we cleaned up I looked tossed the condom wrapper out the window. I giggled just a little, I had planned to protect myself from STDs and instead I was also insuring that Jerry didn’t get pregnant.

“I’ve never had sex with a guy before.” Jerry said as he climbed back into the driver’s seat.

I didn’t know what to say. Most days I didn’t consider myself much of a guy, but in this instance my anatomy changed the situation a bit.

“How come you never said anything?” I asked as I fixed my shirt and now seated myself in the passenger seat.

“Because I’m Jerry. I’m not a girl; I’ve been Jerry to everyone for years, since I was 13. It barely occurs to me anymore and I haven’t been in this situation for a long time. Maybe if I knew we were going to fool around I would have told you but it kinda happened fast.”

“Ya, I know what you mean. I didn’t really start embracing myself until I moved out here. So I’ve always kinda talked about it, everyone has seen me changing so it was never a secret. It was always obvious, when I first moved out here I look just like any other guy, but now I’m just Melanie and when I meet knew people it doesn’t occur to me to tell them.”

“I went through most of the stress years ago. Now this is who I am, not just to myself but to the rest of the world too. I don’t feel the need to talk about it. I’m not one of those activists who wants to sit on a panel and answer questions you know, I just want to live.”

We sat in silence for a while just taking in all that had happened. The sun started to rise somewhere behind us. Amazing, I had no idea that we had been out that long. I kept looking out the window watching the shadowed city come into light.

We really didn’t know who we were any of us, but at the same time we were sure we knew the truth. It’s all the same anywhere else, the more you know the more questions you have. I understood who I was but that didn’t mean that I understood anyone else.

How I and Jerry ended up in this situation I wasn’t sure. In years to come I will probably just say that we were just so drunk and horny, but I know that’s not all it. We both had a chance to walk away but we didn’t.

In this world we all have very little and for what ever reason we are desperate to share it, even if just for a moment with someone else. Just like everyone else our age we are looking for love in all places whether they are the right place or the wrong ones. Its connection that’s important, that feeling of not being alone. I didn’t want to feel abandoned and lonely on my birthday and from the sounds in Jerry voice it may have been a very long time since he had been close to anyone. It made me think that maybe something bad had happened to him, I wanted to ask but I knew he probably wouldn’t tell me.

Without saying anything Jerry started the car.
“Can you take me to the university? I live in the dorms.”
“Ya I know.”

There was mostly silence, except for the Smiths playing from Jerry’s stereo. The drive was quick and with each second that passed I felt better and better. I felt a hangover headache coming on, but I still felt good. Life was complicated and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Is this close enough?”
“Perfect.” I said smiling at him. He smiled back. “I’ll see you around?”
“Of course, you know me babe, I’m always there.” His shyness had left him and that savvy smirk was back on his face.

I smiled at Jerry as I left the car. Even though he was one of those guys you could never count on I’m glad that I had him for one night. I knew it was only going to be that one night and I probably wouldn’t see him for a while. It had nothing to do with morning after anxieties or anything like that this is just how acquaintances in this world we live in work.

Every meeting is an introduction. Everyone knows each other but no one knows anyone. And this night’s events proved that and what happened between me and Jerry wasn’t going to change that.

As I walked up to the front steps of my dorm I saw Mike. My heart sank and lightened at the same time. I can’t count on anything including him and it’s nice to know that I can count on that.