Education education education

I looked at my watch, it was now 8.15 am, it would be time soon. Christ I thought, I would be on my way to start a College course. After some 25 years of manual labour in coalmines, roads building programmes, fresh water well drilling projects and building sites to name a but few, here I was on the praecipes about to make a giant leap of faith in the field of adult education and learning.
Me, who still found it hard to believe I had left school in 1969 with not so much as a backward glance at the source of that education, nor a certificate to prove I had mastered or for that matter, even understood the three Rs. Life experience I would tell myself when self doubt and trepidation began to surface at the thought of going back to education, life experience that’s what I have, a healthy dose of real life gained at the coalface of life. Highs, lows, sackings, redundancies, comradeship, and even the little matter of the 1984 miners strike, I had visited them all on my journey through my working life.
I looked at 2 of my 3 children on the breakfast table, the other was busy with his toilet training, and after some minutes standing at the toilet door offering encouragement I had given up to the sounds of groans and strains as he sat determinedly with his underpants around his ankles on what looked like a over sized lifebelt . “Shout on me when you’re finished” I said toward the body of noises on the toilet “Okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk daaaaad I’ll will” he replied looking up, and looking completely spent from his efforts. Looking up at me he took a last gasp and proceeded to mimic some ancient Indian sacred chant that began with ’ohoooooooooooo’hhhhhhhhhhh’hhhhhhh and tailed off as I left the echoing toilet as a diminishing ‘aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhheeeeeeeeeeee.
I ate another slice of toast and took a sip of strong tea as I watched both Alan and Charley my 2 oldest boys 7 and 5 respectively bury their heads greedily in their breakfast bowls devouring energy in the shape of Corn Flakes and toast on the side.
My chain of thoughts took me back several months to the College where I had been on a visit to enrol on some courses. I was reasonable fit and the thought of becoming a personal trainer or gym attendant seemed like a good option compared to life in an unemployment Que. The coal mine where I had worked for 14 years was due to close with the loss of 1800 jobs. I had pre emptied the closure by opting for redundancy and in so doing giving myself a slight head start in the jobs market. I was very conscious that in going back to College that I would be a mature student, a very mature student having reached 40 years of age.
I was able to meet with a Mister Henson, the head of the Sport and Recreation faculty at the College. He had been very helpful it must be said and he was most insistent that I would have no bother ‘fitting in’ He spoke in glowing terms off the opportunities these courses could yield should I successfully complete them. I mentioned the fact that I was slightly self conscious about going back to school as it were. “You could of course enrol on an access course” He said knowingly in response to my uncertainty. An access course he explained was a course that enabled you to get back in the swing of things, revisiting subjects like Politics, Sociology or Communications, that type of thing. “Nothing heavy, just a sort of refresher” He added smiling.
I tried to look satisfied with his response but there was a nagging doubt that kept rising up within me about the wisdom of this move.
“Look” he said reassuringly
“You’ll meet new people, explore new fields of interest, gain new skills and you could be an enormous benefit to the students on the Sport and Recreation part 1 and part 2 course”
“All that experience” he said smiling
“Look I’ll see you in September” he added with the tiniest wing of his left eye, as I stood up to leave
“Now go on and get yourself ready for September”
“And” he added looking up
“We’ll be in touch, with your timetable, dates excreta” he said smiling.

It was now September, nausea was beginning to emanate from the back of my throat fanning out over my body cavities, feeding those body parts feigning attention with nervous unease.
“Look I’m not doing this” I said looking at Denise my wife whose head quickly disappeared into the fridge.
“Yes you are” she said in a matter of fact sort of voice that echoed slightly before tailing off as she emerging from the fridge with a knowing smile, cold meat, cheese and lettuce for packed lunches.
“It’ll be fine” she said smiling at me as she walked toward the table placing the foodstuff on the chopping board.
“My stomach doing summersaults” I said swallowing the dry feeling of dread enveloping my nether regions like creeping water.
“Sam you’ve waited months for this” Denise said with a look of inevitability, and a smile that said I know you’re nervous and worried, but I know you will be ok’ she smiled.
If only she were my inner voice, I thought, as I suppressed another gulp of inner doubt.
“You’re all going to school today” Denise said addressing the table smiling
“Even your dad’s going back to college today boys” she said looking at the both children
“Isn’t that fantastic” she added enthusiastically
“Dad” Alan said inquisitively
“Will you get homework” he asked looking somewhat confused while munching his toast
“To learn at home, like I do, learning spelling or reading or something” He added bluntly
I gave my shoulders a slight shrug
“I don’t know son, could be” I replied totally unaware of my future scholastic expectations
“I thought you knew everything”? Charley the younger of the 2 said looking bemused
“What” I said somewhat startled
“You told me you knew everything in the whole world” Charley said looking as though he had been cheated out of his favourite toys.
“I do know everything” I replied looking shocked that he suggested such a thing.
“I’ve told you before, I am Mr know it all” I replied smiling
“Then why are you getting homework?” he concluded
“Because” I thought intently
“Because every day we all have to learn something new, and I have to keep up with it”
“Your dad doesn’t know everything, son” Denise said interrupting in a compassionate sort of way
“No, he thinks he knows everything” she added with a little hint of satire and a wink.
“But if he forgot half of what he thinks he knows, he would be left knowing half of what he should know; which to be fair is half of what the average 4 year old golden retriever knows”
“Isn’t that right dear” she said spreading butter on a slice of bread
I looked at Denise, and smiled
“Yes” I conceded
“Only women know everything, isn’t that right dear” I said with a sarcastic grin appearing on my face.
“Yes” she replied
“I know for example that if you don’t put a move on, you’ll be late for College” She said smiling in my direction.
However my eye was momentarily drawn to door of the kitchen in which we were enjoying our shared breakfast. I turned around as did the others at the table to the sight of my youngest child Ronnie looking up from his lowly position. He was supporting himself on outstretched legs and arms crab like, with his backside elevated to be the highest part of his body. He stayed still as he surveyed the table except for the slight movement of his head scanning the table for something, as yet unknown to anybody except himself. Having satisfied that he had identified what he was looking for he proceeded to continue his ‘crab like walk’ along the length of the table. There was complete wonderment and silence, save for his little movements. When he reached where I was sitting at the table he stopped, looked up, gave a look of ‘on not you’ and continued on his way. He bypassed both Denise and young Charley at the top on the table with much the same procedure as he had done with me. Finally, Ronnie stopping at the seat on which Alan was sitting looking somewhat bemused with a spoonful of cornflakes temporary in limbo between his mouth and his cereal dish.
Ronnie looked up from his adopted ‘crab position’ and asked a question that will be remembered as one of the many strange events that was to happen the day I went back to College when he said .
“Alan” Ronnie asked in a voice that had a sort of pleading ring to it.
“What” replied Alan looking as bewildered as we all felt?
“What is it?” he asked
“Alan.... can you clean bums?” Ronnie asked, his face a picture of smiles...