Singularity

Singularity

     Nothing like it ever happened before nor would again.  The event followed the laws of physics meticulously yet defied any explanation.

At some point in the President’s first term his ass grew so large it collapsed in on itself creating its own gravity well.

Everyone near this fecal fueled fiasco fell into orbit no different than debris circling a gas giant.  Often these chaotic orbits resulted in collisions sending the hapless orbiting bodies on a trajectory to cross the event horizon.  This always resulted in a nose being exactly where no nose ever wanted to be.

     Extremely proud of this newly discovered anal anomaly the President tweeted about it nonstop many times a day.  He referred to it as a Brown Hole.

     What happened next is not completely understood.  The President went to the presidential limousine and then seemingly just disappeared.   Of course the Secret Service investigated every lead, every person, everything possible without coming to a firm answer.

     The limited evidence discovered in the presidential limousine provided few leads.  The left rear seat where the President preferred to sit showed a perfectly circular hole burned not just through the seat but through the heavily armored floorboards as well.  That same circular hole went over twenty three feet into the Earth.  It gave the entire scene of the crime a bathroom feeling as if the limo had been turned into a porta-potty.

     The roof above the left seat had a much more irregular hole through it.

     Subpoenaed by Congress the top officials at NASA at first refused to testify.  Finally giving in to public pressure they agreed to talk but only behind closed doors.

     The rocket scientists felt certain some monstrous methane induced madness made the first ever sphincter fired flatulent rocket launch.  The President, intentionally or otherwise, had become a perpetually poop powered projectile. 

Based on the launch hole burned into the ground and the escape hole above NASA calculated the President reached relativistic speeds quickly and now several months later moved through the universe near the speed of light.

     These same NASA officials steadfastly denied having anything to do with the Presidents clearly puckered plans.  They insisted they would have advised him to abandon any such idea as extremely dangerous.

     The NASA officials forgot to mention to Congress they were now worried.  Numerous stars in the President’s flight path showed a smearing.  This area would come to be called The Skid Mark by astronomers.

     Using squiggles and wiggles to do math, which everyone knows is how NASA does it, they determined the Anal Anomaly the President called his Brown Hole seemed to be expanding exponentially now.  Not quite as fast as the universe did during inflation but not much slower.

     The ramifications of this shit show could of course never be publically revealed.  The standard terrorist with a butt bomb blah blah blah lie was released and many people believed it.