What is in a Name?

What is in a Name?

By Shane Scott

     Big Face drove a big truck pulling a big trailer down a big road through a big storm on his way to make a big delivery at a big company.  Big Face faced big problems and would need to put on his big boys pants soon enough.

     It surprises most people to learn this story is not about Big Face.  Oh, he shows up now and again with his big talk, big ideas and big plans but really he is a small part of the story. 

     This story is about Smallie Balls.

    At the same time Big Face drove his big rig, Smallie Balls banged against the walls. 

   Smallie had huge balls.  Not those balls. Smallie had huge inside kind of balls; the kind of balls that give a man or woman courage and determination.

    His mother, Bella Balls, named him Smallie the day she gave birth to him.  She wanted to poke fun at Smallie’s father Brett Balls who did in fact have small, some might say tiny, outside balls.

    Brett was not amused. After beating Bella into a ten month and twenty day coma he got handed a sentence of ten to twenty years.  When Bella woke up from her coma she had no memory of the assault or any memory of Brett Balls, her son Smallie or anything in the past ten to twenty years.

    Smallie became a ward of the state.  Bella didn’t want some kid she didn’t remember, not that she wanted him much when she did. 

    Bella used Flonk, a drug more accurately called ‘crystal opiate meth’.  Bella didn’t want some brat from Brett taking away her Flonk time.  Who would?

    Brett might have wanted Smallie but spent too much time using his soap on a rope to hide his small balls to give it much thought.

    Growing up with the name Smallie Balls came with the expected childish taunts, teasing, fights and hateful comments from hateful children.  It taught Smallie to love his name.  The name his beloved but missing angel of a mother Bella gave him.

    When he turned eighteen the orphanage turned him out. Smallie never once considered changing his name. 

    Just for the record, because it is the first thing everyone wants to know but no one has the balls to ask, Smallie had normal outside balls.  Not small, not big, just normal.

   Still banging the walls Smallie said, “There has to be a way out, Unicorn.”

    Smallie’s best friend in the whole world smiled her beautiful smile.  Unicorn Fart knew everything would be OK so long as they stayed together.  The two of them had been in worse situations many times before. 

   Unicorn Fart answered “Keep looking.  At least the walls haven’t started closing in.”  She immediately regretted saying that and looked nervously at the walls.  She hoped she hadn’t jinxed them. 

And yes, there is a story about how Unicorn Fart got her name but it isn’t this story.

     Unicorn Fart, also banging on the walls, stopped suddenly when she heard not a thud but a thunk.  “I think I found something.” She told Smallie.

     The two of them were dressed like they walked out of some video game based on dungeons and dragons which was no accident.  The two of them loved playing video games based on dungeons and dragons.  They dressed in real life as if it were an extension of a game, which in no small way it was.

     The two of them carefully examined the stone wall eventually finding a hidden switch.  The switch opened a small area, about the size of a breadbox, showing two holes.  Several glyphs and more than one rune were also visible.

     Unicorn Fart translated the alien writing.  “Choose one.  Choose life or death.”

     Smallie exhaled thinking.  This planet was far from Earth where the two of them had grown up but seemed to run on the same type of rules.  Smallie didn’t see any big red button or lever anywhere so he took a deep breath and stuck his hand in the left hole.

     Smallie screamed and his body began shaking.  Unicorn Fart grabbed his arm pulling it free.  When Smallie’s arm came out his hand held a glowing Tekosh gravity diamond the size of a small marble. 

     Tekosh gravity diamonds were extremely rare, one of the rarest things in the ALL.  The vast majority collapsed under their own weight becoming a microscopic black hole that dissipated in a nano-second. 

     Smallie smiled at Unicorn.  “You fall for that every time.”

     Unicorn punched Smallie in the shoulder.  “You asshole!”

    After looking at the two holes in the wall Unicorn went on. “You got brass balls from an elephant Smallie.  God damn brass balls.”

     Smallie grinned even more at Unicorn Fart.  He wasn’t thinking with his brass balls at that moment. He was thinking with his other kind of balls.  Unicorn smiled back because she was thinking the same kind of thoughts, but even dirtier than Smallie’s thoughts. 

     Unicorn wasn’t thinking those dirty thoughts with those kind of balls though because she didn’t have any.  She had other parts that made her think those thoughts, only dirtier.

     Smallie held the Tekosh gravity diamond out to Unicorn.  “For you” is all he said.

     Unicorn took the gravity diamond examining it and the way it had been mounted into Theddium.  Without a Theddium mount the diamond would have collapsed long ago or if not would weigh more than a mountain.

     Unicorn put both arms around Smallie and her head against his chest.  Smallie always gave her the treasure. 

     She once asked why he did that and Smallie told her “I have you.  I don’t need any other treasure.”  The best part for Unicorn is Smallie meant every word of it.

    Together they went to the massive boulder blocking the exit.  After looking briefly they found another, not as well hidden switch that opened a small indentation.  They put the Tekosh gravity diamond into a small receptacle. The huge gravitational pull of the diamond rolled the boulder aside revealing a staircase leading seven stories up to the surface.  Removing the diamond Smallie and Unicorn left.

    Smallie told Unicorn “You know, Love, in six years of treasure hunting together this is the first real dungeon we ever found.”

   It was true.  The two of them had raided tombs, scaled mountains, even descended thousands of feet beneath alien oceans but never once had they found a real honest to goodness dungeon with monsters on every level and treasure at the bottom.

   Still walking up the stairs Unicorn asked, “Do you think we will ever find a real live Dragon?”

“I hope so.”

     It didn’t enter either of their minds that both were in fact Dragons.  They just didn’t know it yet.