Extra Holy

Fur me communion I made about tirty pounds and bought many bags of crisps and many many cans of cherry coke and rented out BMX Bandits and Ghostbusters.  Whut a day dat wus.  Fur de confirmation I’m supposed to get more so I’m hoping I can push it up to sixty pounds, enough to go BUY some original Jackie Chan videos so I can have dem fur keeps. 

Sixty pounds.  I’ll have to be extra holy when I’m in de houses ta fool de suckers.  Keep de hands blessed at all times.

We’ll see.

So I’m all dressed up in me suit and me mudder leads me out on de street fur de mission.  Dere are about twenty houses on our street.  But only about eight of dose houses contain neighbours who wud likely open der pockets fur de confirmation boy.  So we’ll only be knockin on eight doors.  Sixty divided by eight is...ah, terrible at maths.  It’s six tens isnit?  Dat shud be grand.  I only need six of de houses ta give me a tenner and we’re on.

Let’s go den. 

Stop fixin me, Mam, I’m fine. 

I hate dis fuckin shirt I’m wearin.

 

HOUSE #1

De Callaghans.

Ah, dis shud be an easy one.  Mr. And Mrs. Callaghan are old and religious since der always goin ta mass.  I tink dey must go to mass ten times a day.  When der not watchin Songs of Praise at home der in and out of de chapel.  I slam me two hands togedder as I walk troo der door so dey’ll tink I’m already in de middle of a prayer.  Dey have a smelly dog called Harry, a little terrier wit his teet always showing, who growls as we walk in.  Apart from de growling, der living room is like a shrine to God, a giant Sacred Heart on de wall like it’s a poster for a new movie starrin Jesus.

--God bless im, says Mrs. Callaghan.  Isn’t he a wee charmer?

--He is, says Mr. Callaghan, giving me a ten pound note.

--God bless you, I say. 

I’ll make a dynamite priest at dis rate.

 

TAKE AWAY:       £10

                            De smell of dogshite endures in de nose.

 

HOUSE #2

Mr. And Mrs. Walken

Mr. Walken is de barber.  I just saw him yesterday when I got me hair cut fur de confirmation.  Der house must be de nicest-lukin on de whole street.  It’s like de Tardis when ye go in.  It’s de same as all de udder houses on de outside but inside ye’d tink ye wur in a castle.  Everyting is clean and dey have de biggest TV I’ve ever seen.  Dey give me five pound coins and an ice lolly from de fridge as soon as we enter.  Cheapskates.    

--Now dat’s a haircut and a half, says Mr. Walken, admiring his work.  I bet de bishop was impressed.

--I don’t tink he noticed me haircut, I say.

--And what’s yer confirmation name? asks Mrs. Walken.

--Michael, I say.

--Oh, dat’s lovely, she says.  Is it after someone in de family?

--Yeah, after de Corleone family in De Godfather.  Michael Corleone. 

--Oh, I haven’t seen dat one, Mrs. Walken says.  But I heard it’s good.

Dey show me a photo of der own son Proinsias when he made his confirmation.  Dey had him in flares.  Like in de seventies.  Poor bastid.  Or maybe it was de seventies, I don’t know.  I’ve never met der son.    

 

TAKE AWAY        £5                          

                            An ice lolly (orange-flavoured)

 

HOUSE #3

De O’Connells

No answer.  Whur are dey?  Bastids.

 

TAKE AWAY:       £0

                            A newly-formed grudge.

 

HOUSE #4

Agnes and Aggie

Two old spinsters who never ever give you your futbawl back when ye kick it into der backyard.  Aggie who has a strange head of hair on her kind of like a clown’s doesn’t get up from her seat, too busy wit whatever’s on de TV, Knight Rider I tink.  But Agnes who always dresses like she’s a nurse in de hospital is all bubbly and friendly, never seen her like dis before, she’s usually very snarky when ya see her.  She even takes out a camera and takes a picture of me and me mudder wit Aggie in de background watchin Knight Rider. 

--Dere ye go.

Agnes hands me a little tub.  Dere’s sometin wrapped around it wit an elastic band.  I see dat it’s a five pound note.

--Tank yoo, I say to her.

--You’re very welcome.

When I remove de five pound note, I find dat it’s a tub of cod liver oil underneat.  Whut am I supposed to do wit dis?

--Take one of dem every day and you’ll be tuff as old boots.

 

TAKE AWAY:       £5

                            A tub of cod-liver oil.

               

 

HOUSE #5

De McCourts.

--No no, Mam, I don wanna go in dere.

--AH, come on, will ye.  Don’t be a wee baby.

Dere’s two kids near de same age as me who live in dere, Lorraine and Joseph McCourt.  I don’t want dem to see me like dis, in me stew-pitt confirmation suit.  Too embarrassing.

--I object, Mam, I say.

--It’s not a bluddy court of law. 

--Pleese, Mam.  I don’t want to.

--Alright, alright, says me mudder.

 

TAKE AWAY        £0

                            Relief in side-stepping embarrassment.

 

HOUSE #6

Mr. Kavanagh

When his family left him, he put all de kids’ toys in de back garden and invited us all round to take whut we wunted.  I got a Hardy Boys buk and de Mouse Trap game (missing de trap part).  If Mr. Kavanagh’s family ever decide to come back to him, his children are goin ta be very upset. 

--And ya tuk yer pledge son, yes?

--I did, yeah.

--Good.  Stay away from de drink.  Whut age is it ye have ta keep yer promise until?

--Eighteen.

--Well, I say stay away from it even beyond dat, son.  It’s no good fur ye.

Mr. Kavanagh doesn’t have a job.  I never see him doing annyting.  He never leaves de house.  I don’t know how he gets his money, or eats food, but all de same he gives me ten pounds like a good sort.

 

TAKE AWAY        £10

                            Useful advice regarding the consumption of alcohol as an adult.

 

 

HOUSE #7

De Cyclops

He wears a monacle like someone in an old painting.  He luks like he might have bin a teacher when he wus a younger man.  You always see him standing at de upstairs window lukin out like a ghost.  Dere’s bin talk among a few of us dat he is a ghost, but now I realise he isint because he pats me on de head and hands me a tenner proving he is real and not an apparition.  He doesn’t bodder inviting us into de house.

TAKE AWAY:       £10

                            Doubts about the existence of paranormal entities.

 

HOUSE #8

Bill and Barbara

Der a young married couple and dey’re loads of fun.  Bill always plays futbawl wit us out de back.  I tink it’s because dey have no kids and he really really wants to have kids.  I don’t know why dey don’t have kids. 

--Ah, will you luk at dis, it’s James Bond, says Bill, as we step into de house.

 --So handsome, says Barbara.

Dey have a cool house.  Bill has loads of videos.  And he’s de oweny grown-up I know who plays computer games.  He has a TOSHIBA MSX.  He’s like a big kid himself.

--Well, how much did ye make so far? Bill asks me.

--Cupla quid, I say.

--Bill, dat’s private, says Barbara.  Don’t be askin him dat?

--Why not, says Bill.  I remember when I made my confirmation.  De best ting wus getting de money.  Whut will ye spend it on?

--Jackie Cha---

--He’ll be saving it, says me mudder.  He needs buks and tings fur de secondary school. 

--Wha?

--Yer a big boy now.  You need to start learning how ta save money.

--Are ye serious?

--Of course.  Me and yer Dad aren’t made of money.  If you think we’re going to fork out for all those expensive schoolbooks, ye’ve another thing coming.

 

TAKE AWAY        £15

                            Bill’s head shaking slowly, saying Glad I’m not you, son.

 

*

 

Fifty-five squid in total. 

Dey let me keep ten of it and put de rest away fur secondary school.

Dat’s it. 

I’m fuckin done wit holy.