E journal 7/21/04

My counselor told me that I should write about my feelings about
being rejected by my mother. Now, it's open to question whether I was
rejected by my mother. She let me live with my dad. They split up when
I was just 1 year old. Though she lived a couple hours away, she made
the difficult journey to see me every other weekend. She was often
affectionate. The trouble was that she raised my older half brother.
And he was always the apple of her eye. I guess I never much liked
Jeremy. He's superficial, greedy and vicious. But he can at times be
decent. Well, he was always far more important to her than I was.
Jeremy would bully me and she would let him. Furthermore, she always
seemed to hold me in a rather low esteem. In her eyes, my physical
deformities, my poor eye-sight, my foot problem and my general
akwardness made me less than a full child. But the truth of the matter,
and I always realized it, is that underneath these flaws I have traits
that make me a valuable person. My traits are mental. They're my
determination, my philosophical nature, my understanding of how the
world works. There's so much more to me than the physical; I have a
spirit brimming with life. But few people have ever been able to see
it. And I guess I didn't feel like my mom entirely saw it. In recent
years, my Mom has been very helpful and loving. She's supported me
through hard times. She bought me a futon to sleep on in my
apartment(my other parents had me sleeping on a dog pad on the floor).
And I do remember my Mom showed up to my tennis meets. So I do love my
Mom and I feel she loves me. But the relationship can't help but hold a
certain trauma.


peace,


Sean