Session 9 - Successfully Married

Transcription of session 9 – Successfully Married. Interview conducted by Miss Sleeping Beauty. Interviewee: Princess Jasmine Din

Sleeping Beauty (SB): “Good Morning Princess; I’m so pleased to have you back. Please can we confirm that you are aware your session is being recorded for research purposes?”

Princess Jasmine Din (PJD): “Morning, Miss Beauty, yes, we can.”

SB: “I’m aware that you are visiting the children’s ward and have popped in because you promised you would make a plan, so thank-you for that and I shall keep the interview brief. In fact, after our last session and your insightful approach to making your marriage work with such a community orientated ethos, there is only one thing I’d like to ask of you. Would you please let me know, say give me a list of 10 things that you and Aladdin do regularly, or pointers for others in a way, to help you keep yourselves on track as a couple who are such extra-ordinary beings in your own capacities.”

PJD: “Hmm, ok, I can think of a few off hand, I’m hoping other pointers will pop into my mind as I speak. Before I begin though, I wanted to thank you for taking the time to listen to what I have to say and for being so encouraging along the way. It’s wonderful to have this platform to speak openly about love and marriage within the frame of real-life truth, instead of the fairytale variety of imaginative truth that society presses on to the young generation. I hope this research will go into something productive and be well read throughout all lands.”

SB: “Thanks so much Princess. I can’t tell you how honoured I am to have your support and backing here. There’s nothing like a royal nod to boost the ego ;-) Please do go on and share your contribution for the youth to read.”

PJD: “It’s my pleasure Sleeping Beauty, it really is. Alright, I’ve actually just had a flashback to a fantastic article I stumbled across in the ‘Fair Lady’ Magazine my chambermaid lent me whilst I was waiting for my vaccinations for the royal tour Aladdin and I took to Africa, the doctor was late in arriving at the palace at the time. I believe that Allah was speaking to me through the article as both Aladdin and I agreed to the suggestions the article presented and we have never regretted applying them in practice to our relationship. I guess that would make my first “You really should” to be “communicate with each other” never ever stop communicating by hand, by touch, by word, by service, by sharing your day, your ideas and everything you are going through. If you are married, the ‘communicate’ rule is a must. As human beings we are writing our own stories and creating our own books daily, but our partners have their own books too, in order for you to be on the same page you have to make sure you are sharing your stories. Your other half will often surprise you at how brilliant their insight is into how you should proceed with your story, fight your dragons and/or conquer your challenges. Also, it often happens that Aladdin will respond to me by telling me something and inadvertently answering my question and/or leading my thoughts in the direction they needed to go in. It’s quite beautiful and inspiring when the connections happen. Other times we will completely disagree and the argument will go on for a while until we’ve let off the steam and sat down to make a plan, but we know that it is the issue we are dealing with or fighting about and it has nothing to do with how much we love each other.

We never ever insult each other or belittle each other or bring up unnecessary hurts to ‘get our way’. The approach of bad-mouthing and reducing your other half to less than yourself is just stupid as they are literally “your other half”, so by reducing their worth by word or deed, you are reducing your own. So I guess that would make the second point: ‘be kind’, treat your other half with the utmost respect at all times, and in full confidence of the reasons why you chose him/her to be your family. Communicate and be kind, always be kind. I don’t think I can stress that enough. ”

SB: “I absolutely agree. Communicating honestly and being kind are skills I think the whole world should learn, not just married couples!”

PJD: “Laughter Quite right, quite right. Couples also need to be aware that communication isn’t only for the challenging times; it’s also for the glorious times. It’s saying well done, congratulations and “I love you” in that quiet way of awe where the other person has no doubt of the meaning and truth behind your every syllable. The ‘normal’ things need to be communicated too, like, “Did you call the Queen of England to wish her happy birthday today?”,  “Did you reply to the WatsApp from the Rajah this morning?”, “Who’s going to choose from the chef’s menu today, or should we go halves on the courses?” You know, those normal questions and jobs. Couples need to talk about it all.

A practice of ours is that Aladdin and I have a resolution to think of a new question each day to ask each other over dinner that night. Aladdin truly made me laugh the other day, he asked me whether I’d ever felt the texture of sea-sand. I thought it was a bizarre question; we’re surrounded by desert, isn’t it all the same? He said it’s not. So our next holiday is set to be on a cruise between islands so he can show me the different textures of sea-sand.”

SB: “That actually sounds delightful. I’d probably ask when the last time was that he climbed a tree and could we climb one together soon. I love trees.”

PJD: “That’s spot on. You can ask them all of their favourite things and the like, but you have to remember their answers and use them to show your love and appreciation of them. Speaking of favourite things though, have you been in touch with Maria Von Trappe? I think she’s still in Switzerland. She would have amazing answers for you I’m sure. She is such a woman of Soul.”

SB: “I haven’t actually, thanks for the idea, I think I’m going to take you up on that very soon. I think Allah is using you right now to help me!”

PJD: “Wonderful. Yes, do, I think that would be excellent. To get back to the list, I would put my third point as “make an effort to break routine”. I think that routine can be like taking Aldous Huxley’s Soma. It turns you into zombies, automatic and running through the motions. Running through motions kills your Spirit and you have to have your Soul alive to keep the love fed. Some researchers have coined the phrase “hedonic adaptation”, a very dangerous human practice when it comes to the upkeep of your Soul. Date Night is great for pushing out complacency and zombie-hood. Every couple should have a Date Night once a week at least and know that ‘couple time’ should be protected, guarded and upheld no matter what, you can’t communicate if you haven’t created the space to do so. Couples can use the time to vary their activities between different restaurants, putt-putt, movies, the kiddies games section at a casino, the beach front or mountains, bike ride, a live show, the options really are endless these days.

What you know now will always be there, and if it isn’t then it couldn’t have been as great as you remember, and if it is and you return again, then the experience will probably be the same anyway.

Keeping Date Night and ‘couple time’ will then feed into point four: “Laugh together”. It is crucial to laugh together. Marriage without laughter is like waves of the ocean without any sound, just creepy, scary and deathly. What laughter will build is my point five – friendship. Aladdin and I have a truly deep and beautiful friendship. I don’t feel on display around him, I feel like I’m a part of him. I don’t feel like he doesn’t value my opinion or that I’m ever taking up his time, just like my best animal friends when I was growing up and my nurse’s daughter who kept me company when I was lonely. We used to laugh together, play together and share all our secrets. We still do actually as she is now my chambermaid and we are so excited that she is expecting a little baby. It has truly been a blessing to have her there, and I can honestly say, in a similar capacity, it is now truly a blessing to have Aladdin there and through all the challenges our friendship is getting stronger, and, even though I never thought it would be possible, sometimes, when he is addressing the nation and I see how far he has come and how much of an honest spirit he is, I fall even more in love with him and find myself thanking Allah for matching me so perfectly with someone who genuinely deserves and lives up to the special title of my best friend.” 

SB: “Ahhh Princess, that sounds right out of a fairytale.”

PJD: “Oh Miss Beauty, you make me laugh! Yes, it feels like it’s a fairytale indeed. I’ve got an urge to tweet “#blessed” all over the place now! And that would actually be my sixth point: “Appreciation”. You have to, have to, have to appreciate each other. It is so difficult to simply be a human being some days that the last thing you need is someone adding to that challenge by being silent or nasty and not noticing you and all you do. Every day we are all doing something and our egos need to know that it is appreciated, that someone cares, someone is watching, witnessing and is grateful for our existence. I’m not sure if you have those days when you look in the mirror in the morning and just don’t like who you are seeing, what you are feeling, what the day holds and what you have to live through and it just feels like it would be so much easier to just stop the living right there in front of that mirror… but, with the weight of a kingdom, the weight of being a real, living role model to our people, it often becomes overwhelming and in those moments I cannot tell you how much it lifts me when Aladdin’s face appears next to mine in the mirror and he holds me and thanks me and affirms me and the purpose of my existence. I learnt in my reading that it takes 7 compliments for our subconscious to believe what is being said and only one criticism to destroy what the work of those 7 compliments did. Those are challenging odds and, to be honest, I think I sometimes need 100 compliments to get it through my stubborn skull! Still, Aladdin gives me those 100 and manages to erase the damage that the world around me does to me each day, as it does to all of us. There is enough nastiness and ungratefulness in the world; it does not need to be part of our marriages too.”

SB: “Amen!”

PJD: “In order for the communication, couple time and appreciation to happen you have to both implement point seven: “Pay attention”, you have to be attentive. Notice what your partner likes, what they hate, what they are allergic too, how they enjoy the day out, how their moods change, when their moods change, and the like. Respond to points your partner raises, be it the smell of a rose or the acknowledgement of a sound, or whether or not the milk is off or if the referee in the sports game was whatever descriptive your other half uses. Acknowledge it, remember it, show your partner that they are worth the use of your memory and that they are worthy of your attention, be it for a fleeting moment or for a serious matter. Make sure you both know, by your words and actions that you both matter to each other as whole human beings. A few seconds of acknowledgement can banish years of arguments.

Eight is “Touch”. Link your arm in theirs, touch their hand or arm when you speak to them, hug them, hold them, stand close to them, let your bodies me near and know human touch and love. Michelangelo said that “to touch can be to give life” and you need to give life to your marriage all the time. This then leads on to point nine, and probably a point that is taboo coming from a Princess and probably something the tabloids would have a field day with because they are so weak with what they publish. It is also something which people find too personal to talk about, but as Athol Fugard’s character told his wife “we have a license”, a license to say that sex is ok, sex is great, sex is compulsory, sex is fantastic, sex has to be there, because it makes you feel good, it physically uplifts you and does wonderful things for your body’s health. It’s an antidepressant and renews your energy. You are both part of the marriage; you have hooked up because you love each other completely, so show it. Be naked, be raw and open with each other. There’s no need to cover up your body, no need to be insecure and self-conscious, you have signed the slip that says that you are in this together, that you are sticking around forever, no matter what, so enjoy that freedom. There is incredible freedom in knowing that someone has chosen, without any ulterior motive or hidden agenda, to love you, to be there for you, to sit by your bedside in a hospital, or sit next to you at an awards evening, at a funeral, at weddings, at birthdays and all the occasions where you require your manifestation of love in the flesh to be holding your hand. Let them hold your body too. You are married. You have made the commitment, made the promise, so enjoy that freedom of knowing you are unconditionally loved.”

SB: “Isn’t that asking a bit much Princess? We aren’t all as beautiful as you.”

PJD: “Actually Miss Beauty, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but we are all beautiful. If you aren’t able to be free with the person who you are married to, then something is very seriously wrong and you are missing out on the whole point and practice of unconditional love. If you have a gut feeling in your marriage that something is not right, that you are not right, admit it. Admit it to each other and make the journey together to experience healing and movement to a level where you can be free with each other. Free in the beauty and love you were created to experience. That leads me to my tenth point and just in time too, as I’m now due at the children’s ward. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Be honest with yourselves, always, in all ways and be honest with your spouse always, in all ways, otherwise your love can never be free, it can never blossom and grow in truth, from strength to strength because you are suffocating it and strangling it with lies.”

SB: “Once again Princess, thank-you. You have left me with a lot to think about and I believe some insight into why marriages fail and insight into how many people choose fear over love and never step into the freedom of unconditional love. I’m deeply indebted to you. Thank-you.”

PJD: “Once again, my pleasure. Although every relationship is different in its context, the basics really are the same for all human beings and the more people who realise that, and the sooner they realise it, the sooner the worlds around us will become better places. Allah be with you.”

SB: “And you too Princess. And you too…”

Adapted from the article “10 habits of the happily married” by L. Robertson