Alice's Not-So-Wonderful Wonderland: Year 1

It started all just before her fourteenth birthday. Alice had recently received a laptop as a birthday present from her grandparents. As soon as the piece of technology had all the necessary software installed, Alice was customising her new toy with wallpapers, screensavers and icons all of “Alice in Wonderland” characters. She was online, downloading the film, the soundtrack and even computer versions of the novels. Within the first day, she’d downloaded MSN and made herself a Facebook account. All her friends had one, so she decided it would be an excellent way to keep in contact while they weren’t at school.

Her display picture was a cute image of the White Rabbit, and her name consisted of ever changing Lewis Carroll quotations. She was always merry, chatting away to her friends and meeting all the new ones also. One day however, one of those random adds would change her and send her flying down into the rabbit hole.

They got along well, really well infact. His name was Kyle. Every night, they’d spend hours talking online, then they would text, until one of them inevitably fell asleep. She liked him, a lot. The only problem was, he lived rather far away from her, at least 200 miles. One day, however, he revealed he liked her too, and that statement settled the conflict she had in her mind. She would go and see him. He agreed to the meeting, and the details were arranged.

It was June by this point, her birthday had passed, and she was now with her friend John who was coming with her on the train to meet Kyle. Alice wanted someone there just incase things went totally wrong, she didn’t wasn’t to be meeting with a 48 year old murderer. This however, turned out just to be a paranoid thought, as when she got off the train, he looked exactly as the pictures told - though slightly shorter than expected!

Alice was shy, but they both got on well, and when John had to head home, Kyle and Alice headed back to his house. This is when everything started to go wrong.

The first few hours, everything was fine, music, some TV and she even got to hear him play guitar. It was after all that he started to get “affectionate”.

Breaking away from the kiss, he whispered huskily in her ear, “Do you wanna have sex?”
“Uhm, what?” Alice stuttered, completely taken back by the statement.
“Come on, do you wanna?”
“Uhhmm,” Alice avoided his gaze, “I’m not sure. I’ve just met you.”
He left it and that and started kissing her again, although this time he added more sexual gestures into his movement, thrusting himself gently against her.
“Oh come on,” he pleaded, trying to sound innocent, “Please? You’ll like it.”
“Kyle, I-” she was cut off my another pestering statement.

This sequence went on for a while. Kyle would ask, Alice would dodge around implying ‘no’. She didn’t want to firmly say it, cause, to be frank, she was a little scared. After finally accepting the fact that he wasn’t getting any sex, Kyle flopped onto the bed and stared cruely into Alice’s eyes.
“Well, if we’re not having sex, can I at LEAST get a blowjob?” he spat the words at her, filled with venom.

She was too scared to say no to this, to even imply it. She didn’t know what he would do if she did. All she could do was nod.

It was horrible. She’d never done anything like this before and simply had no idea what she was doing. Would he do something to her if it was done badly? He had already undone his trousers, and they now hung loosly around his ankles. Alice had crawled down to the bottom of the bed, resting a hand on the waistband of his boxers. Her hand was shaking, she was terrified. Alice looked up and met his eyes. He was sitting up on his elbows giving her a “well, what are you waiting for?” look. Alice drew a shaky breath into her tight chest. In what seemed like slow motion, she pulled back the white fabric that was his boxers, revealing the erect muscle that lay hidden within. Her stomach rolled over itself, she could fell the starting point of tears begin behind her eyes. Pounding against her chest, her heart seemed desperate to escape. The long dark locks of her hair fell over her face as she drew herself closer to his organ. First the tip, then a little more. He felt disgusting. Now she just went through the motions, doing what she figured she was meant to do, which was seemingly working. Exclaiming in a pleasure filled moan, “I’m gonna come.” Alice immediately retracted her head. No way in hell was she taking his sperm inside her. No fucking way in hell. With seconds of pulling away, she watched as his seed shot out over his lower body.
“I need to go to the bathroom.” Alice whispered quietly as she picked herself up and made her way out his room.

What the fuck did she just do? Locking the bathroom door, she leaned against its painted surface and began to sob. Disgusting. She was a disgusting, weak, revolting creature. Whisking around to her left, she turned on the taps and began vigorously scrubbing at her hands, piling on layer and layer of soap, attempting to scrub off the dirt that was now a part of her. She wanted to be sick. She wanted all trace of him off of her. Lifting the toilet seat up, she stood beside the bowl, and plunged two fingers down her throat. Gagging, she could feel the juices stir in her stomach and this sudden wretching. Alice’s tears ran more freely now and her body was becoming very hot. Lurching forward, she felt the inside of her stomach come following up her throat and spill from her mouth. She needed to be clean. Falling to the floor, Alice clamped a hand over her mouth to attempt to muffle her wails. What a dirty little slut she had just become. This act was one that had to be punished.

Alice looked around the bathroom with her glazed over eyes, not entirely sure what the dark realms of her mind were planning, but she decided just to follow along. Her mind told her to arise and walk over to the sink, commands that she obeyed. After rinsing her mouth with the still running water, Alice looked at her reflection in the cabinet mirror. This was no longer the girl she knew. This was a low, weak, disgusting little girl. With a hand controlled by some other force, she opened the cabinet and let her eyes trail over its insides before plucking a select few items; a facecloth, a disposable razor and some kind of medication.

Alice sat on the floor, twisted dark thoughts trailing clouds around her mind. First, she stared at the blade she’d found, and before she even knew she was doing it, she had began to break and snap it apart so only the three metal blades remained. The rest was tossed to the side. The metal glinted in the light, suddenly looking very attractive and appealing. Rolling up her sleeve, Alice laid the metal gently against her skin, still not entirely sure where this sudden motive came from. Before she had any more time to think, her body told her to draw the blade back. And she did. Again and again. Until the tiny red line became a crimson gaping mouth. With every stroke of the instrument, sharp pain coursed through her veins. She deserved this, she deserved every little bit of this pain, and more. The blood was running all down her arm, it wasn’t enough, not yet. What she’d done was truly awful. She picked up the stained blade and drew it across every piece of flesh she could, creating a lattice of red flooding lines on her arm. Deciding she was satisfied with her punishment, she pressed the facecloth against her wounds. She gazed at the bottle of pills, and decided that would be too much for one day. As soon as her cuts stopped bleeding she tidied up, threw out the face cloth and plastic from the razor and put the pills back. She put the blades in her pocket.

She couldn’t wait to leave now. As soon as she could she had gathered her belongings and made Kyle guide her back to the station. The train couldn’t have departed quickly enough.

This is how it begun. This is how she stumbled head first into the rabbit hole with no idea of how to escape, not that anyone really helped. Alice’s confidence was greatly shaken after this, and she slowly became very withdrawn from all of her classmates. She soon became known as the “loner freaky girl” who soon became the target for everyone to taunt. It started with quiet whispers, followed by the shrill giggles of girls as soon as they thought Alice was no longer in ear shot. It then became the obvious dirty looks people would give her in the hall. People then began to shout the insults directly at her, calling her “fat” ,“a hideous and disgusting piece of shit”, “she deserved to die”, “nobody even liked her and she wouldn’t be missed”. She denied it at first, brushed it off, but as the year clocked round and Alice turned fifteen, she believed every poisonous word they said.