A Royal Ring Up

(The prince's mobile rings)

Prince
Hullo?

Aide
Yes, Sir, could you hold a moment? It's her Majesty.

Prince
Oh, of course, Bolton. (Whispers to someone) It's Grams.

Queen
Willie dear, are you there?

Prince
Hullo Grams. Fancy you ringing at this hour. Are you well?

Queen
Fine dear. In general, that is.

(She remembers what A. Lincoln said about catching more flies with honey than with vinegar.)

Oh, some days I miss you so much. You and your wee brother.

Prince
Thanks, Grams, but my brother's not so wee anymore. We'll pop over there one of these days very soon.

Queen
That would be lovely. Give me a bit of a notice so I can have the best biscuits and cakes on hand. Your favourites.

Prince
Sure Grams.

Queen
Umm, Willie, there was something I wanted to mention.

(The prince whispers off to the side again.) Here we go.

Prince
Oh really, what was that Grams?

Queen
I have been apprised recently of your, uh, lifestyle.

Prince
You mean my girlfriend?

Queen
Yes, indeed I do.

Prince
Oh, she's great Grams. Very loving. Very dear.

Queen
I can imagine, heart. She doesn't live at home, does she?

Prince
No Grams. She's with me. She got bored, she did. Said they were always fighting. Things like that. Then her young siblings. That doesn't help. Anyway, you two must meet.

Queen
(Clears her throat) Willie, listen a moment. Remember our chats about your father and all his shenanigans years ago? How distraught I was?

Prince
Sure, Grams.

Queen
Well, I'm old now Willie. I cannot relive all that again. I'm head of the Church. There's a God in Heaven. I firmly believe that.

(The princess, sitting beside her mum, puts a hand on the queen's shoulder.)

Prince
Please Grams. I've nothing against your beliefs.

Queen
(Raises her voice slightly but retains control.) No one considers me! Mum's gone, sis has gone. Who can I turn to?

Prince
You've got Grandpa, Grams. And you'll always have us. Don't worry. And I'm sorry, but I truly don't want to talk about religion at the moment.

Queen
No, you don't. I'm positive of that. You young people seldom do. That's because you're all young and healthy, carefree with full little tummies. People change, dear. You will grow older with some luck. You will realize things.

Prince
What kind of things, Grams? And God took my mum away.

Queen
(Sighs, as in 'here we go again'.) I wouldn't say that. There is much we don't know. We should never question God.

Prince
Well I'm questioning him.

Queen
Indeed you are, luv. That's the reason I rang you. You are an example, a hero, for many of our young people. In fact, many young people round the world. Have you considered things in that light?

Prince
I can't and won't be a hypocrite, Grams.

Queen
I'm not talking about hypocrisy! I'm talking about DISCRETION. You may want to look that word up.

Prince
Ooh, Grams.

Queen
It's like this. I like my cold pint now and then as you know, but I shan't be found drinking it in the front garden in the public eye. Another thing, some seniors in the family wear those nappies for adults, right? Do they need to be telling the world that they wear them? I should think not. There are some things that should remain private. It is not related to hypocrisy.

Prince
God is loving and forgiving. No matter what we do, Grams, or where we do it.

Queen
Yes, dear. He's loving in the New Testament. But don't forget to read both. In the Old Testament He's quite different. There's anger, revenge. " 'Vengeance is mine,' saidth the Lord."

Prince

Grams, see here. I love you much and you very well know that. But let me live my life. It can end any time. I grew up with that experience, you know.

Queen
I have a number of friends, dear, who are willing to open their homes to that girl. Here in the city, of course. You two could visit as much as you wish.

Prince
Thanks, Grams, but it won't be necessary. Actually, we're all as snug as bugs.

Queen
Very well. I have tried. I've tea with your father tomorrow. You can be certain we shall discuss this.

Prince
Grams, you're forgetting my age. I'm 23.

Queen
My word, so ancient! So knowledgeable!

Prince
I should be, Grams. You sent me to the finest schools.

Queen
One would like to think one hasn't wasted one's money!

Prince
Umm, sorry, Grams, but I must hang up now.

Queen
My luv, have you urgent matters to attend?

Prince
Sort of, Grams. One of them is lying here beside me relentlessly nibbling my big toe.

Queen
You don't have to be INSOLENT. I want only the best for you and your brother. Goodbye now.

Prince
Bye, Grams.

(Each one hangs up.)

Princess
Oh mum, don't get terribly upset. Doesn't the Bible say God is Love? If they love each other, then God is there, is He not?

Queen
He didn't say they loved each other, dear. I say they're infatuated with each other. Sex. There, I've said the word.

Princess
(Rolls her eyes slightly.) Humans didn't invent sex, mum. One must deal with it as best as one can.

Queen
Deal! Some days I can't take anymore. It's true what they say--the Western World is on a collision course.

THE END