I WISH I WERE A HORSE......MAYBE NOT

I WISH I WERE A HORSE …... MAYBE NOT?

          Daisy, the cow, stood in the middle of an open field contemplating her life.  She looked over by the fence and saw two beautiful, studly horses.  “You look magnificent,” she uttered. “What are your names?”

          “Thank you,” the horse with the plaid coat replied. “My name is Billy, and my handsome friend is Charlie with some friends”

          “Nice to meet you. I would rather be a horse any day,” Daisy uttered back.

          “That is very neigh…borly of you, but why.”

          “I’ll make a list and share it with you tomorrow.” The horses galloped off to their warm shelter out of the wind and driving snow. Daisy walked slowly back to the barn, her teats freezing in the frosty air. Once she exited the cool air, her teats thawed out just in time for her evening milking.

In the morning, Daisy slowly but surely returned to the open field. Her new, engaging horse friends were waiting for her by the fence. They were adorned with beautiful sheepskin blankets that hung gracefully over their backs, covering their flanks.

“So, do you still want to be a horse, Daisy cow?

“At first, yes, but no, and here is why. Sometimes, the far-off pasture seems a little greener.”

Daisy uttered an exasperating MOOOOOOOOOOOOO. “History is full of fabulous steeds. I will list them in no particular order. Let me start with SECRETARIAT: Secretariat was a champion racehorse who was the ninth winner of the American Triple Crown, setting and still holding the fastest time record in all three of its races. The big red stud is considered by many to be the greatest racehorse of all time. Next SEABISCUIT: Seabiscuit was a champion thoroughbred racehorse. He beat the 1937 Triple Crown winner, War Admiral, by four lengths in a two-horse special at Pimlico and was voted American Horse of the Year for 1938. BUCEPHALUS: Bucephalus went on to become a valiant warhorse, serving Alexander the Great in many battles. He lived a long life, dying at the age of 30. TRIGGER is next: Trigger was the most famous horse ever to grace the television screen. The Palomino Stallion was the sidekick of Roy Rogers. FRANKEL: Frankel was a thoroughbred who won every race he entered. This specimen reached a fantastic speed of 64 km/h and was one of the most expensive horses in the world. RED RUM: Red Rum was an Irish champion steeplechaser. He achieved an unmatched historic treble when he won the Grand National in 1973, 1974 and 1977, and came second in the two intervening years, 1975 and 1976.”

“That sounds a little bit like me neighed Billy to Charlie.”

“Would you like to hear more boys?”

“Yes.”

“COMANCHE: Comanche was the only documented survivor of General Custer's 7th Cavalry detachment at the Battle of Little Big Horn. After Comanche retired in 1878, he was allowed to wander the parade grounds at his leisure, and finally, how can we forget MR ED: A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, and share his words of wisdom but Wilbur, his hapless owner.”

Charlie asked Daisy about famous cows. “There must be some famous cows in history that you can idolize.”

“There are a few, and until I researched them, I still wanted to be a horse. Would you like to hear about them?”

“Yes.”

“First, there was a cow owned by Mrs. Catherine O'Leary, who apparently kicked over a kerosene lantern during milking and started the great Chicago fire in 1871. However, contrary to folkloric belief, the O'Leary cow had nothing to do with the blaze. There was Spokescow: Elsie (Aka 'You'll Do Lobelia'). Elsie the Cow isn't simply a cartoon used to sell cottage cheese. Elsie was a living, breathing cow – a Jersey heifer, to be exact – born in 1932 at Elm Hill Farm in Massachusetts. The long-lashed beauty quickly became the talk of the 1939 World's Fair in New York, and after the fair ended, she travelled around the country in a swank trailer, making public appearances—Next, the one and only Pauline Wayne. Although a handful of heifers have had the honor of grazing the grounds of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, none managed to achieve the same level of notoriety as Pauline Wayne, a purebred Holstein belonging to William Howard Taft. Pauline wasn't Taft's first cow – she was brought in to replace a recently deceased cow, Mooley Wooly, who had struggled to keep up with the heavy milk-based demands of Taft and his family. Weighing 1,500 pounds, Pauline – or Miss Wayne, as she was called – happened to be prolific in the lactation department and was kept around as both a food source and presidential pet from 1910 to 1913. When Taft left office, Pauline didn't transition to the Democrat-led Wilson administration. Instead, she retired quietly to her ancestral homeland of Wisconsin as the last cow to ever live at the White House. During Pauline's residency at the White House, the Washington Post treated her as a bona fide celebrity. The National Journal mentioned her more than 20 times between 1910 and 1912. Next Mooed Daisy was the Sky Queen Elm Farm Ollie. Ollie became the first bovine passenger to fly in an airplane on Feb. 18, 1930. Not only did the Bismarck, Missouri-born gal – the 1,000-pound Guernsey make history as the first cow to fly, but Ollie was also the first cow to get milked while in flight. The sky-high milking session took place during the International Air Exposition in St. Louis. Ollie ended her 72-mile journey from Bismarck aboard a Ford Trimotor piloted by Claude M. Sterling in the same city. During the relatively short flight, Ollie, with the assistance of a steady-handed Mr. Elsworth W. Bunch, produced 6 gallons of milk. The milk was placed in individual paper cartons and parachuted over St. Louis during the plane’s approach. But seriously, can you imagine this happening today? Thanks to Ollie's bravery, livestock is still transported by air to this day with varying degrees of success. Then there was Charlene Mooken. They will never know what exactly was going through the mind of this nameless, middle-aged Charolais cow the day she hopped over the six-foot-tall perimeter fence of a Cincinnati slaughterhouse and made a run for it. You know, boys, I think she knew. She was probably reading up on her situation. She decided the only way to deal with an unfree world was to become so absolutely free that her existence was an act of rebellion. When the brazen bovine was eventually tranquillized after eleven days on the lam and taken into custody by the SPCA, she became an overnight folk hero. She was brandished with the name Charlene Mooken. There was no way she was being sent back to the place from which she bolted, but finding an appropriate forever home for this feisty gal wasn't so simple. A feisty bovine named Yvonne made a daring escape from a Bavarian farm and spent three months hiding in the forest with a herd of deer.”

“Hey, boys, I don’t really want to become a horse. I’m quite happy being a cow. We cows can be really badass when we want to be.”

Sidney Bolivar