Rants of the Year (So Far)

Right then...The holidays. Yes Christmas 2012 is over, it's March so everyone's know that but oh well! Thank bloody god for that. But wait...I’m not Christian! I shouldn’t be celebrating Christmas, as I was told by the most enthusiastic Jehovah’s Witness I have ever known (And by the knock marks on my door you would know that I have known many Jehovah’s Witnesses) Anyway...this one Witness starts to prattle on about religion and I had to wrack my brain for my normal excuses of getting them to leave:

1. I’m terribly busy right now...if you give me your address I’ll come round tonight and we can discuss it then- they usually splutter and refuse and you then add- why is that a problem? You like to come to my house without an invitation, why can’t I come to yours?’ SLAM DOOR IN FACE.
2. I’m homosexual- It always works.
3. Say ‘Shalom’ when you open the door (This works half the time- the other half of the JW will embrace you like your Jesus reincarnated! Creepy)
4. Or, my personal favourite, you say...I’m a Jedi.

All of these are valid ways of getting them to leave you alone. This one guy, however, caught me off guard and instead just started prattling on about Christmas. He asked me if I was Christian, I said no.

“Then why have you got a wreath on your front door?”
“Because it’s Christmas.”
“But if you’re not Christian, you shouldn’t celebrate Christmas!” He was really wound up at me. I was equally wound up.

“I’m an atheist. But if you makes you feel better, I’ll wear a silver cross.” I then slammed the door in his face and went back to watching ‘The Grinch’- I remember that I pressed play as they all began to sing that song that no one can decipher as the language is still unknown to us- but then I got to thinking, if the Grinch and the Whos of Whoville can celebrate Christmas without any criticism then why the hell can’t I!

I googled it...yes I know that me and googling don’t mix but oh well... the things that came up on Google were quite interesting. It was nice to know that any hardcore Christians that had Christmas trees in their house were actually going against their own religion since decorated Trees was pagan religion, which was as likely to pop up in a bible as a Tyrannosaurus Rex!

Anyway, Christmas this year wasn’t bad. I was on hormonal pills to control my hormones, apparently I have a lot of rage and it is something to do with my womb or something. It’s nice to know that my punishment for not getting pregnant every month also involves rage, I’d be disappointed if it involved happiness or forgiveness- where’s the fun in that! Besides the pills which made me feel as sick as a hung-over person eating a greasy bacon sandwich from an ashtray, but other than that event at Christmas, it was good. I got lots of tiny presents, no one was rushed to hospital (For the first time in 3 years!) In fact that only interesting thing to happen was my Uncle walking out on his fourth wife, on Christmas day. The argued over a Turkey. She said it was bigger than him. Weird family.

Other than that Christmas was pretty boring and lame and lacking in good sales come January time! Although I set that resolution...as some many other women do too...

‘I will lose weight’

And my reply two weeks later- ‘Yeah, stuff that.’
Resolutions suck, I prefer my easy ones like:

 Hug my parents everyday
 Learn how to compliment someone without sounding patronising (I’m still struggling with this one)
 Drink Diet Coke instead of Fat Coke (And die of Cancer instead of Heart Disease!)

All very boring and statistically proven to be forgotten about by the end of January. But the losing weight one just gets on my wick. I’m a size 12, I’m not huge, I have an average sized bum and I like my boobs, they are bodacious! I love that word. Moving on...

Losing weight is not even a wish anymore, it’s a franchise. You get all these stupid books and Fitness DVDs that come out, convincing you that minus 6 size models and presenters really do lose weight naturally and not all by medical procedures, bulimia or detox diets...I’m back to making presumptions, sorry.

Either way, us normal people who don’t have the money for Gastric Bands or a home elliptical machine have to make do with reading these books and watching these DVDs which make us feel like we’re doing something about our weight, whilst not actually doing anything physically.
I hate these diet books though, I find the names to be extremely odd or patronising...some are quite funny though:

 The Pudge Diet
 Skinny Bitch
 The No Diet Diet
 Best Chance Diet

I’m not sure which one I’d choose??? “The no diet diet seems the easiest but the ‘Best Chance Diet’ might mean I lose more, the Pudge Diet could help me get rid of the excess fat which is all I want, but then again I always wanted to be a Skinny Bitch.”

Really? Some people spend hours choosing this crap. I mean come on, you read all of this, you execute one of the activities, badly and often wrong to what you’re supposed to be doing, you think you’ve done well and you reward yourself with a cuppa tea and an episode of Sex in the City!

All of these books and DVDs come out, blatantly showing these images of people that no longer even look the way they do on their dustcovers or boxes anymore, its torture! It’s like they are always dangling the celery stick of self-improvement just from an arm’s length, when actually in reality it is bloody miles away but the big bosses that get all the money doesn’t want you to know that! And for us teenage girls it is still torture, as we are all coming to believe that size 10 and upwards is fat, double figures and all that shit, it is as sick as Gary Glitter presenting a Cbeebies show! Grr.

Rant over.

As you can tell my fat-busting, dieting regime flew out the window quicker than Katie Price’s second marriage. And she’s considered a role model as well! For who? The women that stick sequins to their vaginas and pout and contort their faces like they are in constant pain for their Profile Pic’s! Lordie.

Re-Rant:

I’m in a ranting mood, especially about the holidays...particularly the next day that is considered a ‘holiday’...Valentines Days. Where’s Anti-Valentine’s Day? That is is a club I would gladly join! A club which doesn’t play soppy love tunes all the time, or carves out pieces of steaks in love hearts, or allows Flowers...at all! I hate Valentine’s Day, and not because I’m single, because I wasn’t single on my last Valentine’s Day and it was the most awkward thing I have ever had to take part in, but I hate Valentine Day’s because it’s a load of crap!

St Valentine was beheaded for marrying people so we say: ‘Oh let’s celebrate our love for one another!’ I’m very cynical when it comes to things like this.

Anyway, my first Valentine’s Day with a fella to call my ‘sweetheart’ involved a long walk to a dingy flat in the middle of nowhere, culminating in a burnt lasagne with the so-called boyfriend’s brother and sister-in-law, which involved an excessive amount of cuddling on a sofa, with nothing in the background but police sirens and the worst thing ever...a toilet without a lock and a door that remains open! I have never been more uncomfortable in my life, and not only because I had a desperation to pee, but because I hated every single second of it. The guy was nice enough but if that is what every Valentines day is going to culminate into, then I quit, here and now. I renounce ever hearing on the bloody thing. Its hell wrapped up in confetti and thoughtless cards with bears on swings!

I hate the pressure of it, I suppose. I didn’t expect my first Valentine to be the most romantic thing in the world, but I didn’t it expect it to be that awkward either. I even forgot to buy the poor bloke a card and some chocolates! Which I suppose was a bad move. But then again, there’s that stupid idea that if you don’t celebrate Valentine’s day and give your partner withering flowers or a ‘I Love Us’ card then you are a joyless heartless bitch. Well joyless I am! Suck on that Katherine Heigl!