Kaleidoscope

They all said it was a mid life crisis and that I was cracking up when I told them. However, now the truth is out, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me. I can breathe clearly for the first time in ages. No one saw it coming, I hid it well. I do often wonder if I gave any signals or hints,  hoping that my news wasn't a complete and utter shock to them. I can still see their utter shock with jaws wide open in total disbelief in what they were hearing. My youngest son looked at me like I was a piece of shit he had just stepped in, I’ll never forget the look of disdain on his face. We were so close at one point, he was and always will be my baby. There is a ten and eleven year age gap respectively  between him his brother and sister. I am, and always will be the mother of three wonderful children, despite their misgivings and temporary hatred for me, but that’s understandable given the circumstances. They’re all grown up with lives of their own, I was quite surprised at their reactions. If they were younger then fair enough, but they’re not. I deliberately waited until my youngest had finished university before I told them my news. Now it’s my turn to live my life the way I want to. God knows I’d been living a lie for long enough, the secrets I've kept over the years were eating away at me like cancer.  

I first met Elizabeth (Libby) about two years ago, when we were colleagues at work. We worked in different departments, but would somehow always bump into each other and end up spending most lunch breaks together. She had just gone through quite a messy divorce and I guess she needed some to talk to. I was still married, but not happily. In fact unbeknown to the kids we were married only in name and had been sleeping in separate bedrooms for the past few years. They never lived at home, so it was easy to keep up the pretence to them when they visited. So for me  Libby was a welcome distraction from the shitty life I was leading, and she really helped me through some dark times. I recall the terrible depression I suffered, and total lethargy. If it wasn't for my children I would have just ended it all, but luckily she helped me. She would listen to my endless moaning about anything and everything without reproach, she understood me completely. I guess over time, our friendship developed into something more meaningful. I remember our first kiss, my first ever encounter with a woman. It was so soft and sensual, I’d never been kissed like that in my entire life. The only kisses I'd experienced were short with little effort or passion, usually with stubble beard getting in the way. Kissing her was truly magical, her lips were so soft and sensual, it made me feel alive. Libby gave me the courage to face up to my true self. So one day I woke up and decided  I wanted to be free of the lies and all the sneaking around, and be the real me. My husband was the first person I told, I’ll never forget as long as I live the look on his face. I’ve never been so apprehensive about anything so much in all my life, knowing there was no going back once I told him. Coming out at my age was a tremendous risk, as I had to be really sure that my feelings weren’t just lust, and it was some short lived affair. I’ve always been a person who thinks with their head not their heart, but this time something felt different. I knew I’d found my soulmate in Libby, I felt complete as a person. 

I  wish I had met her sooner, if only we could travel back in time. I held back for far too long, but I wasn't brave enough.The only good thing to come out of my marriage were my children, but even they despised me. I miss her so much, knowing I will never see her gorgeous smile ever again is killing me. My heart is aching, I never knew it was possible to love someone so much, or to feel so much pain at the same time. I can’t bear to watch as they lower her deeper into the ground, part of me wants to jump in to be closer to her. Someone suddenly grabs holds of my left hand, my only thought is that it’s a much needed bit of comfort. Their touch is familiar as they squeeze my hand tighter, making me feel safe. I turn to see my husband staring at her coffin being lowered as we both just stand there hand in hand.