Tick Tock

I remember the first time I saw him, it was instant attraction. I
used to think love at first sight was an old wives tale, but not any
more. We were both travelling on the Northern line of the London
underground when we first met. I recall furtively looking at him as
he sat opposite me, which was reciprocated with a wide smile and a
glint in his eye. He got off the same stop as me, and we hit it off
straight away. Without prior warning love came knocking on my door
totally unannounced, and in no time at all I was completely smitten.
I've never felt this way about anyone before, but my heart aches
knowing he will never completely be mine. When we met four years
ago, he was honest with me from the onset, so I knew what I was
letting myself in for. That's not to say it doesn't hurt, in fact
the situation is beginning to eat away at me like cancer. He tells
me all the time that he loves me. Unfortunately my boyfriend Isaac
thinks with his head, not his heart. He met his boyfriend Julian
nearly fifteen years ago, when he had just turned twenty. He's a lot
older than Isaac, he'll be sixty next year, so how can I compete with
that? I have to share my boyfriend with another man, which to most
people is totally insane. I know he will never leave Julian, he
provides the stability and security that Isaac needs. Having grown
up in foster care, Julian is the father figure he never had. I
know their relationship is no longer physical, it's become more of a
necessity. Despite his protests of love, I do often wonder if all I
am to him is just someone to sleep with. I could kick myself when I
think about the situation I've found myself in. Why on earth did I
have to fall head over heels in love with a bisexual man? Of all
the men in the world, why this one?

My friends thinks Isaac is using me, believing he will never fully
commit to me. My sister thinks I must be deranged and should seek
professional help for some unresolved issues from my past. She
can't get her head around the fact that me and Julian are aware of
each others existence, and have agreed to share Isaac. As much as I
love Isaac I know deep down we can't continue like this forever, the
whole situation is farce. I know my sister thinks I'm unbalanced,
but I'm not stupid. I've put my life on hold for the past four years
for this man, our relationship hasn't really progressed in any way.
I'll be thirty-nine in three months time, and I can feel my
biological clock ticking; I desperately want to have a baby. The
yearning inside me is growing stronger, tick tock, and I'm growing
more and more impatient. Of course Isaac has no idea of my plans,
but I doubt Julian will want to share Isaac with me with a few kids
in tow. It was fine in the beginning, I knew what I was getting
myself into, but things have changed since then, I've changed. I've
invested four years of my life into this man, and got nothing to show
for it except some bloody holiday snaps and my memories. At the end
of the day, I'm the one who goes home to an empty apartment each
night. Whereas Isaac runs home to Julian, he always runs back to
him. That old man is like a thorn in my side, and I'm growing to
resent him more and more each day. I need to put the wheels in
motion and start thinking about myself and my own future. If Isaac
truly loved me like he says he does, then he would want to be with me
permanently and want us to build a future together. I thought I was
fine with the set up we have, but quite honestly I'm growing tired
of sharing my boyfriend with another man. I want Isaac for all for
myself.

As Isaac lay sleeping, exhausted after our afternoon in
bed together, I couldn't stop staring at him. I lit a cigarette and
studied his face and noticed a tiny mole just above his left eye
lid. I wondered why I'd never noticed it before, as it's quite
distinguishable. I watched with each breath as his chest went up and
down, his lips slightly ajar. Lips that had recently explored and
caressed every inch of my body satisfying me in every way. My
contentment was momentary, as I suddenly thought about his lips also
caressing Julian's old and withered body. I felt nauseous and
slightly faint. I tell Isaac often enough how much I love him, yet
somehow get the feeling from him that he assumes this relationship is
just an affair, and will one day fizzle out.

It was raining quite heavily, so we decided to
stay in and have lunch. I made a Greek salad accompanied by some
crusty bread, his favourite. Minimal conversation took place as we
sat across the table from one another. There was a comfortable
silence between us, both of our minds a million miles away. After
lunch Isaac prepared himself to set off back home to Julian. Over
the years I've become familiar with his routine I could relay it in
my sleep. He always leaves dot on four o’clock to catch the ten
past four bus, so he arrives home just after five. Julian likes him
back around six so that they can spend Saturday evening together. It
infuriates me the way Isaac acts like an obedient lap dog. He gets
the best of both worlds, yet he's so spineless he can't even make a
choice between either one of us. I suppose it boils down to plain
old fashioned jealousy. I'm jealous of Julian, and becoming
increasingly irritated with Isaac. A year ago I would never have
spoken of my beloved Isaac in this way, thinking this way about him
leaves me with a feeling of melancholia.

As I sit alone that evening by candlelight, my mind begins playing
tricks on me. I'm suddenly imagining all sorts of things, wondering
what Julian and Isaac are doing right now. I watch as the wax from
the candles slowly makes its way down the wrought iron candelabra.
Isaac gave it to me last year after he returned from Italy with
Julian, now the sight of it fills me with repulsion. Yet again Isaac
has the best of both worlds, he buggers off on holiday with his
pensioner of a boyfriend while his mistress is left home alone. I
realise I have no one else to blame but myself for my current
predicament; I'm sat here on my own due to my own stupidity. Maybe
my sister is right, I am such an fool. I can't force Isaac to
leave his little safety nest, but I can give him an ultimatum. It's
time I was in the driving seat, and started to take control of my own
future. One way or another, I will get what I want.

Several weeks have passed since I last saw Isaac. I had successfully fobbed him with some lame excuse each time he requested to meet me. He may think he can dip in and out of
my life whenever it suits him, but he can get lost. Eventually I
relented and arranged to meet with him at a Danish café around the
corner from my apartment. I deliberately chose a public place, to
avoid any scene. I arrived early and sat near the window with a cup
of earl grey tea. I was desperate for a cigarette but couldn't be
bothered to stand outside in the cold, so I just sat with both hands
clasped around the cup and waited. He was twenty minutes late,
bloody typical. When he did eventually arrive he didn't even
apologise. He just sat down, and perused the menu, giving me
fleeting glances. I noticed how very relaxed and slighter thinner
he looked around his face. His carefree boyish manner irritated me,
unbeknown to him I was about to wipe that smug smile off his face,
having waited several weeks for this moment. “So?” He said
leaning into me with his arms crossed, placing the menu on the table.
“What's this all about? Why have you been avoiding me?” I just
sat there staring at him, not saying a word tapping my fingers on the
table. I leaned in a bit closer to him, met his gaze and smiled. “
I'm sorry I've not been in touch, but I wanted to meet you here today
to share some good news with you, which directly involves you.”
He was looking at me somewhat bewildered. “You see the thing is
Isaac, I've spent the past four years of my life with you, four long
years, and have nothing to show for it, or so I thought.” His
relaxed demeanour was suddenly replaced with a look of discernment.
“Lo and behold Isaac you have give me the greatest gift anyone
could ever give me.” I paused, leaned in closer to him and
whispered; “you and me are going to have a baby, I'm eight weeks
pregnant.” The waitress arrived with his coffee, I was grateful
for the interruption.

Just as I predicted he looked enraged. I could
tell he wanted to scream at me and have one of his spoilt brat
tantrums that I had grown accustomed to over the years. Only this
time, I was going to stand my ground and not give in to him. “That's
impossible, you must be mistaken,” he said incredulously. “I
don't understand, we've always used double protection and been so
careful.” He put his head in his hands and took a deep sigh. “I
can't have a baby, not with you, not with anyone. Julian's going to
kill me, what am I going to do?” I sat back in my chair, upon
hearing that man’s name at a time like this, anger just flared up
inside me. “Julian?” I said with such ferocity. “Sorry Isaac,
but what the hell has he got to do with any of this? How does he fit
into the equation? It's your baby I'm carrying not his.” I leaned
in closer to him again, so no one could hear me. “For your
information the pill is only 99.9% effective, I was just as
surprised. You were so pissed the last time we slept together you
don't even remember the condom splitting do you?” I could see the
fear in his eyes, he was genuinely scared of Julian's reaction. “I
don't give a shit about that old man you live with. I was hoping you
would greet the news of impending fatherhood with a bit more joy,
how naïve of me to expect that from such a spoilt brat.” I
marched out the café leaving him sat there dismayed. Despite my
vexation, I couldn't help but feel a little bit smug. I succeeded
in wiping that smile off his face. Let's see how darling Julian
handles the good news.

 
After our meeting in the café, I received no communication from Isaac. No
emails or text messages, even his activity on facebook was non
existent. I tried my best not to let it bother me, I had more
important things to think about. Knowing his personality like I did,
it was usual for him to go off and sulk for weeks' at a time. The
following morning whilst preparing for work, I was distracted by a
news report on the radio that a body had been found by police divers
in the local canal. An abandoned pair of shoes and a wallet were
found by a man walking his dog near the canal. I couldn’t
concentrate at work, for some reason I was slightly perturbed more
so by the story of the drowned body. There was no use sitting in
front of my desk, so I decided to take an early lunch, I was in
desperate need of some fresh air. As I was walking down the stairs,
I saw a man having quite a heated conversation with the receptionist.
He was tall with thinning grey hair, dressed casually with a dark
tan leather jacket and black jeans. He seemed rather disgruntled, so
I was hoping security would throw him out of the building as soon as
possible. As I descended down the steps, I realised his face looked
familiar, I was adamant I'd seen him somewhere before. I stopped
suddenly at the bottom on the steps. “Oh shit!” I recognised him from his photograph, Isaac had shown me plenty over the years.

Julian had come to my place of work, and for some
bizarre reason he was hailing abuse at the receptionist. I was
alarmed when I overheard the receptionist mention my name and how it
was against company policy to disclose employees personal details. I
approached quietly from behind, tapped him on the shoulder and said
“ I believe you're looking for me Julian?” It was the first time
in four years we had come face to face with one another. There I was
stood face to face with my nemesis. Clearly Isaac had disclosed a
lot more about me than I had realised, including my place of work.
He turned and looked at me, upon closer inspection he appeared a lot
older than sixty. Years of sun exposure had taken its toll on his
skin, but his face was kind. I was taken aback by the kindness in
his eyes. He held my hand tightly looking me directly in the eye he
said, “It's Isaac.”

I remember people walking in and out of the building, all going about
their business totally oblivious to how my life had just changed in a
split second. Julian was holding my hand, he'd stopped talking and
was just staring at me blankly. Those two words kept repeating over
and over in my head, “he's dead......dead! Isaac was dead.”
Julian led me outside and sat me down. He went on to explain that
the body pulled out of the river was Isaac's. An autopsy was due to
take place to establish the cause of death, although the police
didn't suspect foul play. Julian believed he committed suicide
after they had a blazing row. He was beside himself with guilt,
saying he didn't mean to lose his temper and throw him out. I sat on
the bench still dazed and confused trying to decipher what I was
hearing. My perception of him as a brutish bully was quickly quashed
when I saw him sitting next to me in tears, he was a broken man, a
weak man. He explained to me that Isaac had come home after meeting
me very distraught. He told him about the baby, and how frightened
he was, he didn't want to be a father to anyone. He felt trapped and
confused and wanted to continue living with Julian, not me. Despite
this, Julian flew into a jealous rage and threw him out, ordering
him to face up to his responsibilities. Instead of talking to me
first, he took the easy option and killed himself. If he couldn't
have Julian completely, he didn't want anyone. I knew Isaac was
spineless, but I never thought in a million years he would go that
far. Having a baby with me must have terrified the life out of him.
If only he had spoken to me first.

 
So here I am three months later, still sitting in my apartment alone on
a Saturday evening. Julian still believes he's responsible for
Isaac's death, having turned his back on him when he most needed his
help. As much as I wanted Isaac to leave Julian and live with me, I
now realise my jealousy consumed me, and I paid a high price.
Unbeknown to Julian, Isaac needlessly killed himself . I have a
secret that I will take with me to my grave, because I know I'm
responsible for Isaac's death, it was all my fault. I'm not
pregnant, there never was a baby, it was a false alarm. I
deliberately withheld the information from Isaac for spite, as we
weren't on speaking terms at the time. Through my own selfishness and
greed, I'm remain childless, bereft and alone. The candelabra
catches my attention, but this time without hesitation I throw it
across the room.