anti-semitism ii

the nice jewish boy next door:

this role i could never fill. in the movie, "The Graduate," the jewish boy is supposed to date the girl next door, help her with her homework, and never have sex with her. Although the movie expresses these ideas in more Freudian terms, that is the gist of the film. I did want to have sex with white girls for i eroticized them. i didn't want to help them with their homework. the only reason i did not have sex with them was because i knew how their parents saw me... as an alien, sexless thing... the other. they would kill me if i had sex with their daughter, socially or otherwise.

when i grew older, i got so sick of being seen as a sexless thing that sometimes I would just grab girls or just try anything to get a girl into bed. i'm ashamed of my behavior then, but when i hear what others have done, my behavior is comparatively tame. i apologize to those girls for doing that. it was really a short phase, but i began to realize what a crock of shit this society is and how arbitrarily it can create social rules.

when i gave some monetary support to a synagogue in marlboro, mass. i attended a pre- bar mitzvah ceremony at the synagogue. the boy was really someone i could see as being a genius in the future. the boy was named dylan after dylan thomas and bob dylan and the parents had instilled a love of art and literature unto the kid. at the same time, i heard the voice of God inside of me say that he was going to be a sacrifice. i also remembered the song by leonard cohen talking about issac's sacrifice and why it should not go on anymore.

i hated the rabbi at the synagogue and i stopped donating. yes, i was a bit crazy at the time, but i was sane enough to know that these other-hating rabbis who believed that jews were and are the only chosen race and they were beyond special and the whole world could fuck themselves...well, i had felt that way about myself, that I was God's special child, his only special child and where had that gotten me? i still hate pharisees and most pharisees still love the pleasure of delayed gratification... but now, i have a renewed respect for pharisees.

the jewish rebel:

i've always admired people like norman mailer, allen ginsberg, but i don't think i want to go that road either. i've found more sense and sanity in the path of star wars and joseph campbell. i don't want to be supermasculine to compensate for my lack of sexual conquests. i don't want to go insane to prove that i can outdo everyone else. instead, like the jedi knights who are castrated (hand or arm cut off) and they are able to develop spiritual gifts freely. joseph campbell, who had many jewish women followers, taught a gnosticism that was not both good and evil, a gnosticism not plagued with pantheism which Jung taught.

when i really think about it, i don't think many jews would have killed jews if they were forced to during the holocaust era. jews have a conscience unlike us asians.