being sober 4

couldn't sleep last night. random and speeding thoughts. falling stars of the mind twilight. watched kramer vs kramer on comcast. i wonder why they don't make movies like this anyway. movies are so divorced from reality these days. several times i wanted to cry but tears did not come.

my wife is somewhat like the meryl streep character. she has dreams of becoming a great architect. she's sick of being a wife. i take care of the kids several times a week and i just can't stand it. sometimes i scream at them when they do little things wrong. i know i am transferring my frustration with the world on them.

over the past few years when i drank, i used to just drink a few beers and pass out on the couch and let them do whatever they wanted. i was abandoning them the way my parents abandoned me. i want to pass on my problems to them. i want them to become another me which is intensely selfish but inspired by a desire to continue on beyond my death.

so back to my wife. i want to help her realize her dreams but finances are so tough these days. how am i going to make that possible and time keeps on ticking.

there's a scene in the movie in which the kid, billy, spills food and liquid all over his work. i think the kid tells the dad that he hates him. there have been scenes like that in my life but things have generally improved. we only go to bookstores now, no chuck e cheese, no funworld. eating out has been reduced. budget has been cut.

it's really my emotions that are popping up at random times. my anger at the world i can feel much more physically. i control it pretty much. i have to find a way to be replenished by emotion.