the body

i feel pain. it's the kind of pain i associated with poor people. my face feels stripped. i feel decultured and deconditioned.

at the heart of it, my drinking and overeating or eating out at restaurants was an attempt to escape this pain. pleasure cancels out pain, i thought. this is the pain of growing and of change though.

there are many ways in which power structures can keep you infantile. religion can be an opium of the people. conformity... when you don't conform, they stare at you, they stone you. they are medusa.

i scapegoated the body and over time, this emotional retardation turns into stone inside of me or an aborted baby living inside of me. this was the chance for a second life.

so many people are getting diseases of the body. social humiliations... disappointed loves... people engaging in the contest to see who is the best and never cultivating their emotions and deepest inuitions. our bodies are constructed for war. let's war with each other and see who's the best.

but what are the costs of nations economically warring with each other? it's really easy in one sense to win against the US. all you have to do is wage a war of attrition, an economic war of attrition. as americans face more and more hardship during the current recession, american will give in to the demands of China.

but what about the costs of war? what of all that alcohol and drugs consumed to keep the top Chinese businessmen going, what about all the rising health problems, what about the migrant workers with slave wages?

i think i am undertsnading america better too. it's a very racist country. america loves the elite foreigners. most of my life in america, i've been completely ignored. i think that that is why i cultivated a bad boy image because i wanted some attention. when i go shopping, most people ignore me. i've talked to many other asians who feel completely ignored. but you get some attention if you make it to the top and go to harvard or yale or something because you are one of the winners of the contest, then at harvard, another contest begins to filter out more people.

if this process really produced a meeting of the best minds in the world, i wouldn't complain. but the solutions to the world's problems that these people find are default solutions (lowest common denominator wins out) or solutions that are consistently making the rich richer and the poor and middle class poorer. and this is also making me drink. seeing what a bunch of selfish bastards the best are.