Lost

I don't know who I am anymore. NOT LIKE I knew who I was before, but I feel drained of my feelings. The truth is... I don't even know how to have feelings. My father: he works all the time. I hardly ever see him. I know that he exists because sometimes I see him watching tv late at night. My mother, she's gone most of the time too. I guess I was meant to be alone. Oh. by the way, I'm a Korean. I really don't know what that means either. I guess it means to work hard and make a living and not do much of anything else. If you have an emotional problem, just drink it off or let Jesus heal you. I guess I'm a bit angry, but even that is just not it. I'm just trying to figure out who I am.

I don't have any friends. Early on, I've taken to drinking. I'm only 13, but already turning into a pretty damned good alcoholic. Reality just plainly disappoints me... everybody trying to be nice and not trying to offend people. By the time I come from school, I am raging mad. I'm angry at black people, white people, and at yellow people. There's nothing real about life anymore so I've taken to the bottle thinking that that's what's real. It's not just that. I have a lot more to complain about. What just happened the other day? Some bully asked me to do this math homework for him and I appropriately told him to "fuck his white-ass off." He punched me hard and I got this shiner. The principal suspended me for using "inappropriate" language. Whatever. No one cares about me.

I guess I should tell you what my name is. My name is Brian Park. I came to America about 10 years ago. I live in Charlotte, NC. I like playing video games, drinking, drinking, drinking, and spying on my neigbors. Not much more to say. Oh, I go to church every Sunday and listen to the sermon. So fucking boring. I don't know why I listen. It's not like the church does a damn thing when there are problems at school or anything. I guess I'm a bit pissed.

So the other day, I was watching my neighbor walking his dog and his dog shat on my yard and he didn't even pick up the shit afterward. Classic asshole and he had this smile on his fucking face and I was like silently saying "fuck you, asshole" I had another drink and then played a few video games, then felt better. I was in a mood for some tv. Now, I've got to tell you something about tv. It's unreal. There are basically no Koreans on tv. If there are, they don't eat kim-chi. I mean, there's nothing specially Korean about the Koreans on tv. To add, they usually play gangsters or very minor roles. Watching tv, you'd think that white people did everything and Asians, blacks and others played either negative roles or side roles in culture. Why do I want to be a part of a culture that views me in this way? I really laugh when I see tv. It makes me feel better. I guess that's why I go to church to feel like I belong somewhere except that it's so fucking boring.