Highway Part 26

Highway Chapter 16(continued)

“Veronica!” I heard a voice shout right inside my ear.

A vigorous shaking accompanied it. Still thinking of the dream, I flinched away. It was dark, and all I could see was my father, gripping a knife.

"Get your filthy hands off of me, you scum!” I screamed.

The wonder of the voice pulled me back, grabbing my face in his hands.

“Look! It’s me!, it’s Matt. Shh, it’s me, it’s me.”

My vision cleared, and I saw his face. It was Matt. It had all been a dream, and I was here in the hotel room. But it had been no ordinary dream, because it had happened in the past. I suddenly felt a longing well up inside me, erupting. I was so scared, and my heart hurt so much.

Without thinking, I flung myself at Matt, wrapping my arms around his torso with force.

“Oh, Matt,” I cried in distress, “Matt. Why?”

I said his name over and over again, burying my face in the crook of his neck. He seemed unsure what to do, but eventually wrapped his arms around my body.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, “Did you have another nightmare?”

I withdrew my hands from his sides, now resting them against his chest. I clenched his shirt in my fingers, nodding helplessly.

“Oh, baby girl,” He sighed sadly, adding in a sudden endearment that only made me cry harder.

He tried to pull me back to look at him, but I held fast. I could feel my heart tearing in two, the gaping hole that had been torn reopening. I was bleeding on the inside, and it was critical. My father had killed my mother and my brother. My brother would have been fine if it wasn’t for me. I interrupted his check to see if our dad was dead. He would still be alive today if I hadn’t opened my mouth.

“It’s just a dream,” Matt said, “You’re okay now. I’m here, you’re here, and we are safe and sound.”

I clenched my knuckles so hard they turned white, shaking my head.

“No its not, Matt. It wasn’t a dream. I’m here now, but it was all very real."

He didn’t say anything else, and waited for me to release my death grip. I mourned my brother a second time, bawling into Matt’s shirt, soaking it so that it stuck to his skin. When I slightly released my hold, he pulled back to look at me.

"What happened?” he asked, looking at me with strength and determination.

I crumpled, telling him of the past. I told him everything, wailing when I spoke about my brother. I told him every excruciatingly painful detail, and he seemed stunned. But throughout all of this, he held me steadfast, never letting go. I looked up at the end, to something truly astonishing.It was dark and hard to see, but we were in the light of the moon.

Streaming down Matt’s face were tears. I had never seen him cry before, and yet here he was weeping with me. He pulled me close, tucking my head under his chin.

“I’m so sorry.” He said, over and over again. “I’m so sorry Veronica, I am so very sorry.”

I pulled away slightly, confused.

“Why?” I asked, uncomprehending.

“I would never want to wish that on anyone, much less you. I am sorry such a horrible thing happened to you. My poor, poor girl.”

I leaned into him again, a new batch of tears flowing. I was shaking, writhing in pain as I cried. It was heart wrenching to feel the emotions a second time, and I wished I would die. At least then I would be freed from this terrible agony.

I cried for hours, sinking into Matt’s arms. He soothed me as best he could, stroking my hair and rubbing my back. Feeling guilty, I told Matt how I had caused my brother’s death.

“It’s all my fault,” I said brokenly, “If I hadn’t stopped him from checking he was dead, my brother would still be alive. I caused my brother to die.”

I pulled away from him, feeling I didn’t deserve someone like him .if I couldn’t even keep my brother alive, then I shouldn’t get close to Matt.

“That isn’t true and you know it.” Matt said, his stern voice behind me.

“It is! You better not try to protect me from someone, Matt, because you’ll die too.”

He set his jaw, looking strict.

“That’s ridiculous. You weren’t the cause of his death, and you won’t be the cause of mine! Your father killed him. Nobody could have known that it was harmful to not look.”

He had crossed his arms. I backed away, frustrated and feeling unworthy.

“I killed him,” I said quietly.

Matt hesitated for a moment, and then strode towards me, getting close. I backed up until I hit the wall, where he leaned over me.

“Now you listen here Veronica,” he said crossly, “You did not kill him. Your father killed him with a knife. It was not your fault in any way. If anything, you helped your brother by giving him a pocket knife to hurt him with at all. You are in no way guilty of anything except being a caring sister. Don’t you ever say something like that again.”

I looked away, entirely uncertain.

“Look at me,” he said, much more gentle.

When I didn’t, he softly placed his fingers under my chin.

“I know it’s hard not to blame yourself. Trust me, I do. But I can tell you that you did nothing wrong. Look me in the eye and tell me you really believe it’s all your fault.”

I looked to him, ready to say it again, but my voice faltered. I did believe I had distracted him, but it wasn’t necessarily true that it was the reason for his death. I looked away again, giving him the answer he needed.

He held my face in his hands, brushing back the sticky strands of hair away from my face. Softly, I wrapped my arms around his neck, gently snuggling back into his neck. There were no more tears, no more cries, no more voice breaks. I was all dried up, and I had only the empty shell left by the events.There was only a small part of me left, one that I shared with Matt.

It was tiny, an insignificant speck, but it was there. It glowed warmly like an ember in my soul, struggling to get noticed. It was vibrant for such a small speck, and full of life. It was the only happiness I had left in my heart, but it was stubborn. It hung on with amazing strength, even when the flood flushed out every other part of me. My sorrow was an immense sea, the despair overwhelming. Still, it kept glowing in that sea, holding on like Matt was holding on to me.

He led me over to my bed, still damp with my sweat, the blankets thrown off. He sat me down, but I caught his hand.

“Could…” I said, stuttering, “Could you please stay with me tonight?”

He smiled, but it was sad.

“Of course. I wouldn't dream of leaving.”

I tried to give him a smile too, but it was more like a grimace.

He stretched out on the bed, leaning against the headboard. I was lying with my head pressed to his shoulder, my legs bent the other way. He had tucked me under his arm, so that I was comfortable.

"What’s the date?” I asked suddenly curious.

He thought back, scrunching his nose.

“August 22^nd, I believe.”

That made sense, for that was the day it had happened, something told me. 10 years ago to this day, I had lost everything, and life was just letting me know. We lay silent.

“How come I can’t remember my brother’s name?” I asked, quietly.

Matt said, “Maybe you haven’t remembered everything yet.”

When I stirred nervously, he added, “I think you’ve remembered the actual event, but names are tricky. I’m sure in time you’ll remember his name. It sounds like you both loved each other a lot.”

I nodded, thinking of his smile. I could remember everything about him now.

Days of fun in the sun, laughter, singing in the rain. I remembered how he would always forget to wear a hat, and so he would get sun burnt or rained on. I remembered other times, times we had to leave for a while. We would play in the park at night. He would push me on the swings, play tag in the fields, and gaze up at the stars. I didn’t like the dark, but he always had a way of keeping my mind off of it. He would tickle me when I pouted, sing me to sleep when I had nightmares, and read books to me. We used to lay in meadows and read entire chapters. He would let me interrupt to ask what a word meant, and he would tell me, helping come up with a way to remember what it meant. He made me dinner when mom wasn’t home, always made sure I wore a jacket, and checked if I brushed my teeth every night. He was with me all the time.

He had friends, and they would come by and ask him if wanted to go out. He just shrugged, saying he had plans but thanks.

I told him he didn’t have to be with me all the time, but he just smiled and said, “I know. But why would I go out with them when I could hang out with my favorite sister?”

I smiled, telling him I was his only sister.

“So you think,” he commented mysteriously.

He laughed and gave me a hug.

Yes, I loved him very much. Hopefully I would remember his name, for I felt like something was missing without it. I vowed to myself that I would never again forget him, keeping every memory safe and secure.

I grew sleepy, finally relaxed. I was scared to fall back asleep, but Matt was warm and strong.

“I’m so tired, Matt, “I said.

His head was rested upon mine, and it was soothing when he started to sing. He hummed a song in a low tone, and I snuggled a little bit deeper into his shoulder. It wasn’t until I was too far gone that I realized he was singing my brother and I’s lullaby.

Unsure of what to think about that, I felt myself fall into my dreams again. This time, they were sweet dreams about my brother, and one dream about Matt.

For the first time in days, I slept like a baby.