Illusion of serenity.

Thinking to myself - "Why not?", i take a step back and leap off the cliff i have been standing on the edge of for the last several years, looking at the horizon, unsure of what to do next. Though in all honesty, i have not really been thinking much about that. Or about anything, for that matter. Simply standing there, enjoying the feeling of the wind against my skin, and the sound of waves crashing against the face of the rock far below me, distant rumble of the sea's fury. Day after day, week after week i stood there, ever since the day i have stopped caring and walked away from everything i knew and cherished and loved and hated at some point of my life. Every strong emotion has been drained, poured out of the hole in my chest. along with every ounce of self-preservation, and i left. Locking the door to my apartment behind me, i felt no remorse and no sorrow, no regrets. I simply walked away from something that no longer held any meaning to me. For the first time in my life i have left something behind carelessly, abandoning even the memories of the times that made me smile fondly whenever they crossed my mind, or made my heart ache with bitterness and pain of a loss.
It was never this easy before, nor it should have been, if i was still alive. If only... But my heart has been torn out, a single moment of agony in exchange for lifetimes of peace and serenity. Perhaps i am mistaken, and only think that the emptiness and dark will bring me the calm i so longed for, silence of the mind and stillness of the soul, blood no longer flowing through my veins, but congealing slowly, thickening, turning to dust as time goes by. These thoughts and others crossing my mind, as i walked towards the cliff in the middle of the night, passing familiar sights, yet they made me feel nothing, as if i was observing someone else from the side, looking at the form of what used to be me from above, peering into the depths of myself and finding nothing but indifference, apathy towards anything and everything. Cold.
For the first time in my life i have been able to think rationally about the steps i took and things i have done, everything that went on, everything that has shaped me and changed me and made what and who i am today and realizing that i was looking at a complete stranger. This was not who i wanted to be and how i wished my life to turn out. I never wanted to stop feeling, all i wanted is for the suffering to end, to find meaning, to have something to hold on to, to have a purpose. Sad part is that i was never the center of my life. I never lived for myself and never could, the trait that was always missing in me. My purpose was always making someone else happy, and finding happiness in that for myself. Now that it is gone, and i am slowly turning to stone, i am able to be honest with myself and, looking in the puddle at my reflection, tell myself that i am not whole and never was. Never will be. No longer want to be.
Resilient rush of icy air as i fall towards the jagged rocks at the bottom, last breath filling up my lungs to the brim until they burst and my body is torn to shreds, bones breaking, shattering, splatters of what once was a living creature marring the landscape. Don't ever believe the poets and bards, there is nothing pretty about death. It is always ugly, and no amount of words and colors will ever change that. It will remain the same for all, regardless of the manner one departs from this world. No-one ever wants to die, and if they say they do - they are lying even to themselves, they just want the suffering to end, and will take even death in exchange. Last breath, decay, mortal flesh turning to putrid mass for the maggots to feast upon. Try as we might, truth is always much uglier than the songs about glory and release and eternal loving memory, no way around that.
One last step erased me from the face of the world we love and hate, from the lives of those i knew, from the intricate web the Fate Sister wove the thread of my life into. And i no longer care...