If she only knew (part 1)

Frozen mid-step, entire body ridged except for the hammering of my heart against my chest. She stood with a group of people I didn’t recognize and after regaining some composure; I walked lamely around other groups of students to get a better look.

Yes, it’s definitely her. Skin flushed from feet to cheeks, caused an accumulation of water to form in my eyes. Blinking hard to clear the tears, I watched as she laughed at things her friends’ said and greet people she knew. Kind and social, just how I remembered her. She was tall with shoulder length wavy brown hair. Displaying a dark plaid shirt and skinny jeans that hugged her curves nicely and also highlighted her male gait, which suited her perfectly. Upon closer inspection, she had a small face scattered adorably with freckles, two lip piercings that glimmered in the lighting, and earrings of different kinds trailing up her ears. Her smile was genuinely happy and pleasing to the eye. When she would laugh the whole room brightened, at least to me. But that didn’t even compare to her hallmark dark blue eyes. They were of a certain blue that once you locked gazes with them you couldn’t look away. Once you seen them they would forever remain permeated in your memories.

Forcing myself to stay a distance, I kept moving so people wouldn’t notice me staring. I watched and anticipated her gaze to fall on me, to recognize me but it never did. A newfound determination on making her remember me, to be more than just someone she knew, took over me. Never did I want to get to know or get close to someone so badly. The desire to linger in her life was distracting and deafening to my heart. It would become my mission, my goal to befriend her, even if I didn’t remember her name.

-

           It was at a huge college freshman game of Simon Says that would become the moment to interact with my mystery girl. Being cut on the first challenge turned out to be the perfect opportunity to spot her leave the giant group of freshman. After almost half an hour, sure enough there she was.

            Walking as nonchalantly as possible, I meandered my way towards her. Clutching my stomach to soothe the buzzing inside me, I climbed over and around the other kids. Plopping down beside her, I cleared my constricting throat. She gave me a quick glance and a smile. As I went to say something, she did a double take and taking it as a chance to make conversation, I asked if she remembered me from the visit day.

            “Of course I remember you.” She smiled. “Deirdre.”

            Guilt settled once I became aware I still didn’t remember her name. She noticed my embarrassment and laughed.

            “It’s Bellissa.”

            Holes within my memories filled up as her name bounced around within my skull. Immediately after the event I went back to my dorm and found her on Facebook. Having spoken to her gave me a confidence to message her. When she answered right away I could not help my giddy feelings.

I noted the silence that filled my head. The demon did not utter a word and no feeling of disappointment dwelled inside of me. I knew it was too good to be true but I dismissed my weariness. Talking to Bellissa and having discovered her name had me beaming with a sense of accomplishment. So how could I fail?

-

As incoming freshmen we were required to attend a Metamorphosis presentation that focused on social issues and college situations. Upon arriving, I scoped out the crowd for a seat. Once spotting Bellissa, I scuttled towards her and her friends into the row in front of theirs. Smiling at her caused her to say hello to me and when she seen my phone out she asked if she could it put her number in it.

Metamorphosis turned out to be an interactive presentation with skits about alcohol to sexual assault, racial to religious discrimination, but it was the last one that stuck out: homophobia. The actors portrayed a situation where two guys were roommates but one was gay. When the heterosexual roommate found out he went ballistic. It was this skit that seemed the most tense. When a girl, I recognized as a friend of Bellissa’s stood to offer her testimony, everyone went silent. She explained to an auditorium full of her peers, her struggles with her bisexuality. How her family reacted and how her own grandmother vowed to not attend her wedding. The girl broke down in tears, sputtering with her words. The one male actor, who turned out to really be gay, leapt off the stage to console her. The audience applauded and cheered, especially Bellissa and her friends. Sitting there admiring this girl’s bravery to confess that in front of judging eyes and ears had me in complete awe. Even though I wasn’t her, I appreciated the support people who knew her and didn’t know her gave her.

On my way back to my dorm I received a text from Bellissa asking if her friend, the one who stood up at the presentation, was in my hall. I told her yes and she asked me to tell her friend to come over to her resident hall. Then she asked if I wanted to come over too.

            A somersaulting sensation filled my insides as I searched for her friend to relay the message. Rereading the invitation over and over to make sure it was real, I replied coolly that I would be over. She told me where her residence hall was and that she would be there to let me in. Grabbing my student ID and keys, I all but ran from my resident hall.

-

The last time I got this worked up about being around someone was when I worked at a local restaurant close to home. There I met a girl who evoked my first real feelings of what I considered love.

Kathryn was a petite athletic girl, with short red hair always in a ponytail and the cutest freckles about her small face and some of darkest, deepest blue eyes. She was sweet but a spitfire when she wanted to be. Sometimes we would get together to just talk about things. I told her about my past, from struggling since middle school, to the loss of a good friend, to my lack of faith in God, faith in myself, to the self-harm, all caused by my demon. Basically, I trusted this girl with everything I relayed to her and she knew that. She was extremely religious and wanted to take me to her church. She wanted to teach me the ways of God and help me believe again. Kathryn was the first friend I had over to my house to hang out in years and the very first to sleep over. She had me at her home despite her resentment towards her stepfather. She took me sledding with her little brothers and introduced me to her mother and grandmother. Something I’ll always remember about Kathryn was the way she could play slow, melodious, guitar that brought tears to my eyes. It was some of the most beautiful music I’ve ever heard.

Kathryn was the first girl I wanted to hold and be as close to as possible. If she had wanted to kiss me, I would have let her, despite having a boyfriend at the time. Though I never understood her feelings for me, she would say and text me sweet things. I guess it was her way of flirting, but it was hard to tell. As time went on we grew distant despite my efforts to keep seeing her. My only explanation is that her religion pulled her back. During the time I knew her, I was aware of her strong religious beliefs. It’s only reasonable to believe that it was more important than her relationship with me. After Kathryn disappeared, I considered the feelings experienced with her. The fact that my feelings for her were stronger than the ones I felt for my boyfriend, that I’d rather be around her than him, and that I’d rather hold her close to me than be held close to him. Did I believe all these feelings made me gay? At the time, I didn’t consider it. All I knew was how I felt and after she disappeared, the demon reared its ugly head again. It reminded me that I shared a part of myself with her and she disappeared with it. It made me feel like a fool for even considering anyone could ever truly love me. Despite everything the demon told me, I still pondered what could have been with Kathryn. If she didn’t have a tense home life, if she wasn’t so religious and involved in church, could there have been anything more between us?

-

Bellissa greeted me at her resident hall door to let me in. She told me about her friends and introduced them to me upon arriving to their dorm. One was her roommate, Haley, Christine, who was the friend Bell asked me to find, and the two owners of the dorm, Gloria and Kelly. Smiles and hellos came from all directions as I hunted for a seat.

As the night went on and things began to settle down as they did their homework. Kelly was perched upon her bed with her laptop as Bellissa slid up to join her. She lay down, placed her head on Kelly’s lap and peered over at me.

“Come cuddle with me.” Bellissa said softly.

Sucking in a breath, I tried to think of an unenthusiastic response.

“You wouldn’t want me to. I’m a big cuddler.” It was a response that wouldn’t relay my true desire but once again Bellissa motioned me. I couldn’t deny her wishes.

Lugging my body up onto the small corner of the bed that was meant for me, I slowly lowered myself into her open arms. As this happened, I pondered what Kelly thought as this stranger laid her head on her foot.

Suddenly, Bellissa’s arms snaked around me to pull me against her. Her arm that went under and around me took my left hand. She twined our fingers together perfectly as her other arm wrapped around my stomach. Instinctively, with my right hand, I stroked the arm wrapped around my stomach. Sighing deeply, she pulled me closer. Within a few minutes, her even breaths informed me she was sleeping.

After awhile, everyone was either asleep or still doing homework. It was hard to tell from where I was. I just remember thinking how amazing the whole moment felt. Her arms wrapped around my body, our legs tangled in a mass of jeans and sweatpants, the comfortable warmth our hands had accumulated, how close she was to me, and the way her breath felt on the back of my neck was perfection. There was no doubt in my mind that any of this was wrong.

After assuring me that I was always welcome, I found myself returning night after night to Kelly and Gloria’s dorm to do homework, hangout, watch movies or TV, and sleepover with the rest of the group. In doing so, I was introduced to Jake and Gordon. Making these new friends and being around Bellissa gave me a sense of belonging. They were easy to get along with even though we were all totally different people.

Gloria was genuinely sweet and caring. She was patient, kind, and as comforting, titling her the mother of our group. Soft features and sharp eyes read you like a book so she knew when you were upset. You would talk out your issues and then she would offer you some of the wisest advice you ever heard from an eighteen year old. While she would listen, Kelly didn’t have the patience or advice of Gloria. Kelly has a sharp tongue. If you made her mad, she’d let you. It was hard to tell her mood with piercing light blue eyes that were just as sharp as her tongue. Her sarcasm, bothersome though comic, remained her constant attribute. Then there was gentle Haley. With curly short hair, brown eyes accompanied with black-framed glasses, and her interest in everything anime gave off a nerdy essence about her. She wasn’t the only one into anime; Gloria and Jake enjoyed it too. Jake, like Kelly, could be crude if not cruder, but would genuinely care for his friends when they needed it. Don’t fool his lankiness with lack of strength because he could haul all us around when he wanted to. Lastly, there was Gordon. For a guy, he was quite kind and caring of everyone. He offered just as good as advice as Gloria. Gordon, Gloria, and I are quite alike in the aspect that we are all old souls. We often find ourselves incapable of relating to the excitement of our generation.

This was our core group. They were all I had and all I needed. Why go searching for more when they’re all I wanted?

-

During one of the horror movie nights more people were in the room than usual. Sitting on Gloria’s bed while, I had a view of Bellissa as she sat in one of the chairs on the floor. Beside her in another chair, sat David, a guy who had chin length hair and a certain fluffiness to him. Bellissa mentioned aloud that she normally held hands with someone during the current horror flick we were watching. Without hesitation, David took her hand in his, finger twining and all. Sitting on Gloria’s bed, the feeling of a rock hitting the pit of my stomach echoed around my insides. I would occasionally peek over at them, wishing she would just let go, to come hold my hand instead.

She does that with everyone then. Cuddling with you meant nothing.

Hurt and rejection coursed through me. Sneaking another glance, I locked eyes with David. Quickly looking away didn’t stop me from recalling the look of realization on his face. He leaned over to whisper in Bellissa’s ear. A swelling of panic ensued within.

He’s telling her.

After the movie ended, while everyone was stretching and talking, he walked up to me. He leaned against the edge of the bed to look me straight in the eyes.

“Are you okay?”

Not letting myself falter, I smiled. “Yea, I’m fine.”

The rest of the night there was an awful feeling of dread in my gut. If Bellissa knew my feelings, she didn’t say anything. She continued to let me cuddle her that night. Holding her tightly against me, I feared that somehow I’d lose her. Looking upon her, my peaceful beauty slept despite not knowing how I truly felt about her. Gingerly pressing my lips against her head, I inhaled her. Silently thanking her for gifting me with herself.

The next day, after connecting with David via Facebook, he told me he knew how I was feeling about Bellissa and offered to help. We met up one night and he let me vent about my past and unexplained feelings. He listened, intently, and then offered information of his own: that it was easy to tell she liked me back.

David became our middleman, literally. He relayed our messages and our true feelings for each other. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one who knew about my feelings. Even though I kept them secret from everyone doesn’t mean they were. Extreme late night cuddling and spooning most likely gave me away. Remaining more bashful than embarrassed, didn’t stop me from being close to Bellissa. It obviously didn’t bother our friends since Bellissa was already so openly gay. The feelings I had for her were stronger than the ones I’ve ever felt for my ex and more definite than with Kathryn.

“You really like her, don’t you?” David asked me one night while we watched Bellissa Skype her family.

“If she only knew how much.”

However, her and I had yet to converse our feelings face to face. So, one night as she was letting me in the building, I managed to build up enough courage to ask her if we could talk. She looked at me and smiled.

“Of course.”

We went back outside and we sat on a small wall in front of the building. Starting the conversation off by telling everything I had told Kathryn and David. I even told her about my ex and my secret crush on Kathryn, how confused and excited the feelings made me. I even told her how I never understood why the Kathryn just disappeared from my life and not knowing how she truly felt tortured me. Strangely enough, I told Bellissa how I made it my mission to find her once I had seen her on campus. I told her how I couldn’t remember her name but even that hadn’t deterred me. Then embarrassingly enough, I told her how much it bothered me when David had held her hand, how he noticed my reaction, and found out my secret. She listened intently even though I probably made no sense. She told me how she felt about me, how confused she was at first because she thought I was straight. Before I could grimace she took my hands in hers and pulled me towards her despite our awkward sitting positions. Even in the pale moonlight, I relished every detail that made up her beauty. My chest lightened as she leaned her head to my ear and whispered:

“If I asked you to be my girlfriend, would you say yes?”

Everything went rigid and not from the cold. Did I think I was ready to be in a relationship, and in one with a girl? Of course I wasn’t. I wasn’t entirely sure where my sexuality stood. All I knew was how I felt about her and how right it always felt when we were together. So, guiltily I informed her that I wanted to be friends first and getting to know each other was important to me. She smiled and agreed.