Convenience Kids

I’ve had sexual encounters with numerous men lately, not sure which one will claim this accident. I’ll just tell the nicest one it’s his, or the one with the most money. Need to make sure I get my fair share of child support.

I might lose my figure but at least I’ll get a council house, and never have to do a day’s work. Income support, child tax credits, housing benefit, council tax benefit. I’m going to be a lot more wealthy now than if I got a job so what’s the point in working?

I’m having a boy; his name will be “Staple Chocolate Sexxii Jones” He is having my surname, not his dads.

My friends say labour will be a breeze; they have drugs for that now, no reason to be in any pain when I can be numb from the waist down. I’ll see if my mum will come with me, the dad wont.

I’m going to bottle feed; I’m not even going to consider the other option. I don’t want saggy tits. And who wants to sit around feeding a baby all day? Plus if I am tired or if I want to go out, someone else can do it.

If my baby cries, I will leave it to cry. It has to learn it cannot be picked up all of the time, and it has to be able to sooth itself to sleep. I don’t want a clingy baby. When would I have time for myself?

There are excellent medicines available for children now; they have sedative in to make the baby sleep if it’s ill. Mind you, this is useful if you have something important to do and the baby is in the way.

If it’s still not sleeping through the night by 2 months I’ll just give it some baby rice to top it up, I’ll give it “hungry baby” milk to stop it crying between feeds. I will only feed every 4 hours. I don’t have the time to make up any more bottles.

Good job the baby will sleep in a cot, means I can go out and leave it there. Or just give it to my mum for the weekend.

My baby will have all of the newest toys and gadgets. When he wakes I will get him out of his cot and put him in his rocker, or his swing, or give him a pile of toys to play with. This way I will be free to do what I need to do. The only time I will have to pick the baby up is to feed him and once he is old enough he can hold his own bottle.

If I am lucky I will get a baby who is happy to sit in the corner and play with his toys on his own. Then I can watch Jeremy Kyle without interruption.

If I get a bit low on money, I could always have another. I mean, they are not exactly much trouble are they?