Death and the purple hat (radio script)

Cast
Skip Mercer – DJ on Bland FM
Eileen – caller to radio station
Becky – Death’s PA
Death – Death
PHO – Purple Hat’s Owner
Ferryman – the Ferryman who ferries the souls of the dead across the River Styx

Skip "This is Skip Mercer on Bland FM. We’re discussing sightings of supposedly dead celebrities. Our next caller has a very interesting tale. Eileen who have you seen?"

Eileen “I saw Ted Moult, the former double glazing man, selling cauliflowers on Ipswich market. I knew him straight away, he said the caulis were ‘amazing’.”

Skip “Thanks for sharing that with us Eileen. Let us know what you think. Is Ted Moult really alive? Did he fake his suicide in order to sell cauliflowers in secret? Maybe our next caller knows. Becky, do you believe Ted Moult is still alive?

Becky “No. I know for a fact that Ted Moult died on 3 September 1986 because I’ve checked the entry in the Book of the Dead, and it’s signed in Death’s own handwriting.”

Skip “Signed in Death’s own handwriting?”

Becky “Not only that, he’s drawn a smiley face next to it. It means He liked him.”

Skip “Thank you for that Becky. A really interesting opinion. (hurriedly) our next caller is …”

xxx

Becky “I didn’t expect to see you today,”

Death “I FOUND A HAT,”

Becky “You found a hat? Where?”

Death “IN MY POCKET.

Becky “I thought it was impossible for the dead to leave physical objects about your person. Didn’t you tell me that you make no actual contact with the mortal realm, that you touch neither earth nor air.”

Death “YES, YES, THAT’S ALL TRUE. IT’S IMPOSSIBLE. NO MORTAL OBJECT MAY BE LEFT ABOUT MY PERSON, SOME MIRACLE HAS OCCURRED. SO COULD YOU GET RID OF IT PLEASE, I DON’T WANT TO GO AROUND GATHERING THE SOULS OF THE DEAD WITH A PURPLE HAT.”

Becky “Shall I put it in our lost property office? With the 4,000 other items that couldn’t possibly have been left on you.”

Death “IF YOU’D BE SO KIND.”

Becky “I’ll need you to fill in an Inventory of Impossible Things Form.”

Death “THERE SEEMS TO BE A FORM FOR EVERYTHING THESE DAYS. I’M SURE THAT WHEN I STARTED COLLECTING THE SOULS OF THE DEAD THERE WASN’T ANY PAPERWORK.”

Becky “Paper hadn’t been invented then.”

Death “THAT’S TRUE. I BLAME THE EGYPTIANS. IT ALL STARTED TO GO DOWNHILL AFTER THE INVENTION OF PAPYRUS. RIGHT, I MUST GO BACK TO WORK. THE SOULS OF THE DEAD DON’T GATHER THEMSELVES YOU KNOW.”

Sfx; telephone rings

Becky “Hello, Death’s domain, how may I help you?”

PHO “Hello, I was wondering if anyone had handed in a hat?”

Becky “I think you’ve got a wrong number my dear, this is the realm of Death in the sixth dimension, not the St Pancreas lost property office.”

PHO “No, no, this is the number I wanted. It’s my purple hat, I gave it to Death to look after.”

Becky (sounding slightly confused) “We may have had a hat handed in. Could you describe it?”

PHO “Yes, it’s a purple woolly hat and I left it in Death’s pocket.”

Becky “I see, well if you would like to come and collect it.”

PHO “I can’t come and collect it, you know that, it’s impossible to travel to Death’s domain. I was wondering if you could deliver it to me. I know it’s cheeky to ask, but that hat meant so much to me, it was the first present my husband ever bought me. So many memories.”

Becky “I suppose I could bend the rules and pop the hat in the post.”

PHO “Oh no, no mail gets here. You’ll have to bring it.”

Becky “That’s out of the question, I’m afraid. I don’t even know where you live.”

PHO “I don’t.”

Becky “You don’t? You don’t know where you live either?”

PHO “No, I don’t live. I’m dead. That’s why I gave Death the hat, so that I could take it to the other side”

Becky “Where exactly are you on the other side?”

PHO “I’m not allowed to say. Sorry, but the living cannot know what lies beyond.”

Becky “I can’t possibly get the purple hat to you if you can’t say where you are.”

PHO “The Ferryman will take you to the Shores of the Dead. If you leave the hat on the shore I will come when you’re gone.”

Becky “I suppose I’d better go to the Shores of the Dead then.”

Sfx: The sound of Becky materialising at the bank of the River Styx (the special effects guys do a wonderful job don’t you think?)

Becky “Hello again Mr Ferryman. Do you know why I’m here?”

Ferryman “I always know. You are here to take your soul across the river Styx to the Shores of the Dead, a land where the living may never tread, to deliver a purple hat to one who has crossed this way already and shall not be coming back.”

Becky “That’s not how I’ve have put it, but yes, that’s the gist of it.”

Sfx: Sound of boat crossing the River Styx (generic river sounds will be fine)

Ferryman “We are here. The Shores of the Dead. You must not get out. If you step on to this shore you may never leave.”

Becky “It seems undignified to just toss a hat onto the sand.”

Ferryman “Just throw it high, high into the air, and it will be caught – as long as you close your eyes.”

Becky “There, I’ve closed my eyes. I’m throwing the hat.”

(pause)

Becky “Has it gone?”

Ferryman “The hat has been taken. It is time for us to depart.”

Becky “You know, when I die, when I finally make a legitimate journey across the Styx, the first thing I shall do is seek out the soul of this woman, to find out the full story of her husband’s gift and why she went to so much trouble to get it back.”

Ferryman “It should be easy to track her down, she’ll be the only soul in heaven in a purple hat.”