Hamster and Thatcher (deceased) - The green investment plan

Sir Keith Hamster, newly-elected leader of the Labour Party, is keen to re-shape socialism for the 21^st century, but none of the policy wonks in his party share his vision. Luckily, he has a secret policy advisor that nobody else can see or hear: the ghost of Margaret Thatcher.

Sir Keith arrived at his office to find that his official Policy Advisor, Jeff Feckland already, at his desk.

“Ah, Sir Keith,” he said, “Have you seen the news? Record heatwaves in Europe and the USA, wildfires in Rhodes and Crete, hundreds dead, even cabinet ministers have been inconvenienced.”

“Yes, his plane was delayed by nearly an hour. I’ve messaged him my condolences.”

“At least it should help get the climate change message across to the last few doubters,” said Feckland. “We shouldn’t get much pushback on our £28 billion investment in green technology now, not with the world actually burning in front of our eyes. The petrol companies should finally lose their stranglehold over government.”

At that moment, Lady Thatcher chose to appear, though of course she could only be seen by Sir Keith, with whom she showed a special attachment.  “There’s nothing wrong with petroleum,” said Lady T. “The car is the ultimate expression of freedom in a free market economy.”

“We don’t want to be seen to be anti-car,” said Sir Keith. “The car is the ultimate expression of freedom in a free market economy.”

“We’re not anti-car, just anti-petrol car. Electric vehicles are the future, it’s not just good for the environment, it’s where the jobs of the future are.”

“We saw the electric vehicle when I was Prime Minister,” said Lady T. “The Sinclair C5 was like a motorised wheelchair with neither the space nor the power.”

“We saw the electric vehicle,” said Sir Keith. “The Sinclair C5 was like a motorised wheelchair with neither the space nor the power.”

“I think the technology has moved on since then, Sir Keith.”

“Even so, I think it would be reckless to get into debt investing in them.”

“But the £28 billion green investment plan was the only policy we had left to appeal to progressives. Even the Lib Dems are planning green investment.”

“The Liberal Democrats are far left loons,” said Lady Thatcher.

“The Liberal Democrats are far left loons,” said Sir Keith.

“Well, only if you compare them to us,” said Feckland. “So that’s it, we’ve no policies left. You’ve ditched privatisation, rail, water and energy, benefits reform, free school lunches, taxes on excess profits, the planned tax on big tech, proportional representation, Lords reform and now our green policies. There isn’t a single, solitary difference left between us and the Tories.”

“Good,” said Sir Keith. “That means they won’t be able to campaign against us, we’re sure to win the election now.”