Madhouse

Madhouse 

Both players are on double one.  The scorer puts the chalk down, picks up his pint, and sits down. 

Jeff’s first dart hits the double 18. 

The scorer takes a sip of his pint. “Too many,” he says, “No score.” 

In the background, the TV news is on, silent with subtitles. Donald Trump has just called President Zelensky a dictator and blamed him for Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. 

Lizzie aims carefully, but the first dart goes just above the one. The second dart is closer, but still misses, the third lands next to the second. 

“No score.” 

Elon Musk has just sacked the entire nuclear safety workforce, tried to re-hire them when he realises, but doesn’t have their contact details because he’s cancelled their email accounts. 

Jeff’s first dart is high, the second hits the wire and bounces out, the third is high. 

“Unlucky, no score.” 

An Ebola outbreak in Africa has killed fifty people. Musk has just defunded the Ebola prevention force in an efficiency saving.  

Lizzie’s first dart hits the singe one. 

“Too many, no score.” 

Elon Musk sacks Federal Aviation Administration staff. There are nine air crashes in the subsequent two weeks, there having been none in the previous 16 years. 

Jeff’s first dart hits single one. 

“No score.” 

JD Vance accuses European governments of attacking free speech, because their media uses fact checks. 

Lizzie pins the wire with her first dart, but in doing so blocks much of the bed, her second and third darts are both high. 

“Unlucky, no score.” 

A Russian journalist is included in the press corps for Zelensky’s meeting with Trump. 

Jeff’s first dart hits the single twenty. 

“Too many, no score.”  The scorer signals to the barmaid who pours him another pint. At least the Guiness shortage hasn’t reached here yet.  

Lizzie’s first dart is high, hitting the figure one at the top of the board, the next dart hits the single one. 

“Too many, no score.” The scorer takes a sip of his new pint.  

Jeff Bezos, billionaire owner of the Washington Post, whose tagline is ‘Democracy Dies in Darkness’, announces that the Post’s editorials will no longer be independent. 

Jeff’s next dart hits the double 18. 

“Too many, no score.” 

Elon Musk removes funding from five government agencies investigating fraud in his companies. 

Lizzie hits the single five. 

“Too many, no score.” 

House Republicans pass a bill that will slash funding for Medicare and Food stamps, to pay for a trillion dollar tax cut for billionaires. 

Jeff’s first dart misses the board entirely, the second dart hits the bullseye. 

“Too many, no score. 

Trump publishes an AI video with the devastated remnants of Gaza transformed into a beach resort, with Trump and Netanyahu lazing on sung loungers while bearded Hamas terrorists dressed in bikinis perform belly dances for their pleasure.  

The barmaid calls time and closes the bar. She hands the scorer the keys – “You can lock up.” 

The Madhouse goes on and on, there is no end to it. 

A vaccine denier has been put in charge of public health. 

Trump announces plans to annex Greenland and make Canada the 51st state. 

Pardons have been issued to all January 6 rioters, including a convicted pedophile. 

Elon Musk does a Nazi salute at a Republican rally. 

Steve Bannon does a Nazi salute at a Republican rally.  

Trump changes the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. 

Trump issues a pardon to a dead boxer who has never been convicted of any crime. 

Trump abolishes the Department of Education.