Ministerial Diary: Day 5

Up at 3.30 a.m. to go to Manchester for an interview on BBC breakfast. Apparently the man has been getting some flak about the Bill in the media and thinks a friendly chat with the Minister for Protection from Tigers would convince people that the Bill is needed.

The BBC have moved to offices in Manchester, Bristol and Birmingham while the tiger is on the loose. I can see why they need to protect their staff, but it makes for a long journey for Ministers like myself. All part of our public duty I suppose.

My entourage sets off at 4.00 a.m. Three cards, myself, Chloe and Buster in one, and a car in front and behind filled with the rest of my security team. My security level has risen to amber plus one, so this is my life now, security everywhere I go. No chance of a normal life.

I reflect on the change in my fortune. Just a week ago I was a backbench MP, one of hundreds, even my constituents would struggle to name me. Now I was a minister of state, with a presence in Cabinet meetings, in charge of one of the UK’s most serious emergencies and one of the most important pieces of legislation in history. And now I’d be appearing on national TV.

Though this was just one interview, this could be the making of me, with over three million viewers. Plus it was a breakfast show, if it went well people would be talking about my performance all day and it would be repeated on News 24 every half hour. If this goes well there will be many more interview to follow over the next few days.

Though in a perfect world a Minister would not be judged on their media performances, in the twenty-first century the reality is that TV is everything. If I come across well I’m almost guaranteed a Cabinet post long term when the tiger is caught. After that, who knows, maybe my dream of being PM at 43 isn’t so unrealistic after all.

Chloe had prepared a detailed brief for me and anticipated likely questions, including a likely question about the tiger attack on last night’s episode of Eastenders. Did I think Heather would live? Would Ross Kemp catch the tiger? As if I knew or cared what the writers planned for Heather and Ross. I never watched the programme, and have no intention of starting, especially now that my time is so precious with my intensive ministerial duties.

Chloe made me learn a few lines about which are my favourite characters and why I hope Heather will recover from the wounds.

I also learnt that Eastenders is being filmed in Honolulu at the moment, apparently, it’s too dangerous to film in London because of the tiger. This is a state secret though, not to be revealed in any circumstances, even if there’s dead air.

Buster was in the back seat with us and he helped me rehearse, playing the interviewer and asking me Chloe’s questions. We spent most of the journey doing this, with Chloe making comments on my answers and amending the script accordingly.

We made Manchester in good time, hardly seeing any traffic, until we reached the city’s outskirts. Even though it was early I would normally have expected to see lorries at least. It seems that the tiger has had a big impact on internal trade, something I must mention to The Man next time I see him.

As we arrived at the BBC studios I received a call from Perry in The Man’s office. It has been decided to cancel the interview. Apparently Vinnie Jones had agreed to do the interview instead and The Man felt that a tough guy like Vinnie explaining why we needed to stand up to the tiger was more likely to appeal to the public than ‘another boring minister in a suit’.

Very disappointing, but the journey wasn’t entirely wasted, I had a good opportunity to catch up on essential paperwork during the journey, meaning one less red box to take home at the weekend.