Today's TV

BBC1
17:00 Are Goats Smarter than Humans? A goat faces a series of puzzles and intellectual challenges against Chris Grayling. Day 1, can Chris Grayling work out how to open the door?
17:30  Bicycle Repair Shop - The team help Sam, who needs his BMX to get to work, and Trudie, who wants to repair the tandem she used to ride with how now-deceased husband. But will Coco the Clown's non-functioning unicycle prove too much of a challenge? 
18:00 Are Goats Smarter than Humans?  Day 2, The tools challenge. Gary the Goat builds a workable particler accellerator but a spoon proves too much for Chris Grayling.
18:30 Brad Pitt speaks to the nation (lockdown special) Brad Pitt waffles meaninglessly into a zoom feed for an hour to make up for actual programming - tomorrow same time, David Tennant Speaks to the Nation
19:30 Allo Allo, The Lost Scripts - Lost episodes of the classic sitcom are re-filmed, with Nigel Farage as Rene, Theresa May as Edith, Jeremy Corbyn as Monsieur Alphonse and Sir Keir Starmer as the English Policeman chap
20:00 Panorama Investigates - Cuddle Cures - Panorama meets the American pastor who claims that his cuddle-cure technique can prevent the spread of Covid-19. But if this really a miracle why have all 419 of Brent Hoffman's disciples caught the disease?
21:00 Would I Lie To You - Party Political Broadcast by the Conservative Party
21:00 Are Goats Smarter than Humans? Day 3, Chris Grayling fails to turn up for filming. He is later spotted stuck in a litter bin.
21:30 Live from the Apollo - Right Wing Comedians Special - The New Controler of the BBC introduces his favourite right-wing comedians, including footage of Jim Davidson, Bernard Manning, various fat, stupid, unfunny old men from the 70s TV series The Comedians and a home video taken from Geobbles' family archive of Hitler explaining what happened when an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman walked into a pub
22:30 Are Goats Smarter than Humans? Day 4, Gary the Goat is made Minister for Education.
23:00 Don't Run - safety information film with Edward Scissorhands

BBC2
17:00 Can Machines Replace People? ep. 467 - The Hairdresser. Bernice's new perm is perfect, but she is not happy with the lack of gossip and chit-chat.
17:30 Autumn Watch (lockdown special) - Covid-restrictions mean that the Autumwatch team are filming from their own back gardens. Chris Packham has found a slug, which he decides to call Sir Percival. Kate Humble is looking for elusive hedgehogs, while Bill Oddie is busy badgering butterflies. 
18:00 Where Wallabies Rule - Miriam Margolyes visits a parallel universe where wallabies are the dominant species. 
19:00 The Battle of Britain - Who'd Win Now. Surviving fighter pilots from the British and German sides battle it out in the ultimate rematch.
20:30 To The Manor Born - Party Political Broadcast by the Conservative Party
20:35 Ghost Doctors - Boris Johnson's plan to solve the medical staffing shortage by recruiting the ghosts of long since deceased doctors. Will the wailing spirits of the barber surgeons of yesteryear fit with the workings of a twentyfirst century health service?
21:05 Ghost Doctors - More problems for the NHS recruitment drive when it transpires that ghosts don't exist.
21:35 Can Machines Replace People? ep. 467 - Eastenders. Tonight's episode is written entirely by Scriptbot983 - will the cast notice the difference and will the audience care?

BBC4
19:00  The Duck Orchestra - Malcolm the Mallard leads an all duck kazoo orchestra performing Brahms' fifth symphony
20:00 Mrs Slocombe's Pussy - The true life tale behind the fictional pussy we heard so much about in Are you Being Served. 
21:00 Live From the Proms - in a bid to satisfy the Daily Telegraph the BBC Philharmonic Orchestra infect themselves with COVID-19 while singing Rule Britania

ITV 1
17:00 Celebrity Hospital (new series) - Celebrities try their hand at basic medical procedures. How many puns can Lee Mack make while inserting a rectal thermometer? Ramesh Ranganathan makes a ridiulous fuss about changing the bed sheets while Kate Hopkins and Nigel Farrage have the difficult job of infoming a Yemini refugee family that their only child has died during surgery
18:00 I'll Pray for You - Roving nun Hilda Lapdance offers prayers for a village who need £60,00 to save their local pub
19:00 Normal for Norfolk - Problems at the Alan Partidge lookalike competition when it transpires that everyone in Norfolk is Alun Partridge
20:00 The Duck Detective (new series) - Someone is murdering the city's park attendants. Sgnt Qacker goes undercover at a local pond. But what is Mrs Merrythorpe putting in the bread she feeds the ducks with?
22:00 Who Wants To Be  A Millionaire - Party Political Broadcast by the Conservative Party
22:05 Celebrity Hospital - Jeremy Clarkson tells a depressed patient to pull himself together

Channel 4
18:00 The Elephant House - Chas and Jamima try to find a house in rural Surrey for a pair of African elephants with a £400,000 budget.  But Chas warns them that buying an elephant-sized home round here for £400,000 is like fitting Jumbo into the downstairs loo, it's not gonna be easy.
19:00 Heson Blumenthal's Performing Pandas - Heston Blumenthhal teaches a pair of pandas to play the susaphone and double bass, but will their attempts at jazz punk fusion work in Worthington?
20:00 Too Posh to Mask - Channel 4's cheapest documentary crew follow an assortment of posh people who refuse to follow government covid guidelines and spend their days shouting at shop staff: "Do you know who I am?", "I'll set the hounds on you", "I'll have you fired you insolent scum" and other nicities
21:00 Deal or No Deal - Party Political Broadcast by the Conservative Party
21:05 Knot Provider - Super scout Jenny Wholesome provides knots for people that need them
22:00 How The Other Half Live - Nigel Farage swaps places with barmaid Geraldine Faulkes, who gets to spend the day wandering around TV studios being vaguely racist. But back at the Old Vic a long queue of unhappy punters is building up as Farage pauses for a photo opportunity after pouring every pint. 
23:00 Vets in Space
23:30 Nipple Patrol (no preview available)

Channel 5
17:30 Let's Laugh at the Chavs - episode 471: chavs buying trousers
18:00 Yorkshire Prison
19:00 Yorkshire Snooker Club
20:00 Yorkshire Documentary Maker - The team spend a week with the Yorkshire-based documentary maker behind The Yorkshire Vet, the Yorkshire Zoo and the Yorkshire Cricket Team. Joe Root and Geoff Boycott provide voiceover. 
21:00 Where's the Chair? Mastermind for stupid people
21:45 Nuns with Guns
22:45 Eggs, Eggs, Eggs, Eggs. (repeat)