Ulf and Sven and Eurovision Song Contest

Sven: (offstage) "Ulf. Ulf."

(enter Sven)

Sven: "Turn the TV on Ulf, it's the Eurovision Song Contest."

Ulf: "Surely you don't want to watch that atrocious europop. I prefer to listen to Viking fighting songs."

Sven: "But Sweden might win it this year."                                                          

Ulf: "What with Abba? I preferred Lasse Berghagen's Min Karleksang till dig."

Sven: "Abba have a very good chance this year Ulf. Agnetha and Frida are beautiful singers and Benny and Bjorn are fine songwriters. And Bjorn is a great Viking name, like Bjorn Ironside."

Ulf: "I've never heard of a Viking called Benny though."

Sven: "Look it's starting, this could Sweden's first Eurovision win. We've had so many historic victories in England."

Ulf: "The Vikings never conquered the Brighton though. And what a silly idea for a song. Waterloo! Who wants to hear about rain-drenched battles in Belgium. They should be singing about one of the Viking battles, Edington Fields, the Battle of Maldon."

Sven: "That wouldn't scan Ulf, 'my my, at Maldon, King Byrhtnoth did surrender', it doesn't have the same ring to it. Besides, it's Eurovision, they need to appeal to the European voters, and it was a broad coalition of European countries that defeated Napoleon at Waterloo."

Ulf: "It won't go down well with the French."

Sven: "The French aren't in it this year.  Shush, here they are. Here comes the conductor."

Ulf: "Sven-Olof Waldorff - He is dressed as Napoleon, Sven. It is never a good sign when he conductor dresses as Napoleon, it is often an indicator that the entire orchestra is stark raving mad."

Sven: "But you can't deny they're a fine act, Ulf. They can dance, they can jive, they can bring the Eurovision Song Contest Alive. Look, you're tapping your feet.

Ulf: "It is catchy."

Sven: "It is the finest pop song ever written about the defeat of Napoleon Bonaparte. And a Swedish Band has written it."

Ulf: "We shall see, Sven. Here, Oliva Newton John. They may be good, but are they Olivia Newton John good?"

xxx

Sven: "It's the voting Ulf, I can hardly stand it."

Ulf: "It is Finland to start, Sven. They are good friends of Sweden, we can hope for votes here."

Sven: "Five votes, Ulf. They've given us five. We're steaming ahead."

Ulf: "We're winning so far Sven, and here is Norway."

Sven: "We should get lots of votes from Norway, they are our friends and neighbours."

Ulf: "Two votes, Sven. Just two votes. It's as if our shared Viking history counted for nothing. And now it's the UK, they'll vote tactically."

Sven: "No votes at all from the UK."

UlF: "Three votes from the Netherlands. At least one of our neighbours like us."

Sven: "Five votes from Switzerland. We're miles ahead, we're going to win it."

Ulf: "It's not over until the last of your enemy is defeated, Sven."

Sven: This is the last country to vote, Italy. They're the only country that could beat us and they can't vote for themselves."

Ulf and Sven leap to their feet and dance round the room.

Sven: "They've won Ulf, they've won."

Ulf: "It is a great moment, Sven. Sweden's first Eurovision win."

Sven: "It is bigger than that, Ulf. It is a glorious moment in Swedish history, like Cnut the Great's victory over King Victor of England. Abba will rise to glory, the first record you see in every shop will be Abba."

Ulf: "That's because record shops use an alphabetical filing system, Sven."

Sven: "I mean they will be the number one band, outselling US bands, UK bands."

Sven: "They are going to sing their song again. Let's sing along."

Ulf: "No we can't do that Sven."

Sven: "Why not?"

Ulf: "The PRS, Sven. They will track down and charge people for any unsolicited performance. You're not even allowed to repeat their lyrics in a story."

Sven: "What's the point? Abba will hardly suffer if two London-based Swedes sing along to a pop song. They'll be rich now."

Ulf: "The PRS are merciless Sven. Like Olaf Olafson."

Sven: "Well, if we can't sing along, at least we should dance."

Ulf: "What's that you're wearing, Sven?"

Sven: "My Viking helmet."

Ulf: "I can see that Sven, but why? Abba are nothing to do with Vikings?"

Sven: " Abba are part of Sweden's glorious history now, like Ragnor Lodbrok,  Eric the Victorious, or Eric the Horse Wrestler."

Ulf: "Eric wasn't glorious, he was killed by a horse."

Sven: "Stop sitting there moaning Ulf. Dance Viking Dance."