A Wilderbeest Ride

"This is Matilde," Jay said, pointing to the hairy bovide with an ill-fitting saddle strapped to its back that was tied to Searle's gatepost.

"What is it?" said Searle. "A yak?"

"Matilde is a wilderbeest."

"Why have you brought me a wilderbeest? I asked you to get me a horse, we've a long ride. Can you even ride a wilderbeest?"

"I couldn't get a horse anywhere for hide nor money. There's been a rush on 'em Salome said, Matilde here's a trained rider though, a sweetie, tame as a pony, swift as a hare."

"I notice you're not riding her."

"Him. Wilderbeest have reverse-gender names. There's an interesting story behind that..."

"Save it. We've a long ride ahead of us. Give me five minutes to pack and another ten to put me boots on."

"You still struggling with the laces Searle?"

"It's not my fault. I had velcro boots up 'til I was twenty. I can tie thirty different types of knots, but those dinky bows, I just can't do 'em."

Eventually Searle was ready to ride. Jay climbed off his horse to help out, holding Matilde steady, but as Searle was about to climb onto the saddle, Matilde suddenly leapt high into the air and sent Searle flying arse over tip. Jay steadied Matilde, Searle dusted himself down and went to climb back on, only for Matilde to rear up again sending him onto his rear end. The same thing happened the third time Searle tried to get on, but at fourth attempt Matilde finally allowed him onto his back, only to stand there refusing to move.

He moved eventually, though 'rode of' would give the wrong impression, it was a slow crawl along, as Matilde nibbled his way along the plains.

The two men, their horse and their wilderbeest made slow progress along the trail. "This wilderbeest is terrible," Searle complained. "It leaps and bounds around wildly one minute, then trudges slowly for the next hour, it's slow as a tortoise and mad as a march hare."

"That's just what Salome said."

"I thought Salome said she was as swift as a March hare and tame as a pony."

"I misremembered. And Matilde is a 'he', not a 'she'. There's a funny story behind that."

"Save it. We've a long ride ahead of us."

After several hours ride they eventually reached Mandelson's store, where they stopped for much needed refreshment and to rest their horse and wilderbeest.

"You still looking for some horse?" said Mandelson to Jay. "Only I managed to buy one of a passing traveller, who was passing."

"God yes," said Searle.

Now, those familiar with the rules of story-telling will have already worked out, that if you introduce a gnu in the first paragraph of a story it is inevitable that the gnu will be fired before the tale is finished, and thus Matilde found himself duly sacked and available for immediate employ.

Searle rode off on his new horse, with Jay alongside. With nothing better to do, and hurt by the rejection, Matilde followed his former master.

"I can't believe that bloody gnu is still with us. How come she never managed this sort of speed when I was riding her."

"Actually it's a him," said Jay, "Not a her. I'll tell you the story of how all male gnus came to have female names."

"You may as well," said Searle. "There's nothing better to do, and we've a long trail ahead of us."
However, Jay never got to tell his tale, as a gang of half a dozen dangerous looking riders emerged out from behind the rocks in front of them, all of them heavily armed.

"Searle Jackson?" the leader of the men said.
"What if I am?" said Searle.

"We're from the US tax service. You haven't paid tax on your ranch for over a decade. There are other taxes due, there's the horse tax, for the horse you're a riding, and the wilderbeest tax, for the wilderbeest you were seen riding earlier today."

"Heck, I been a bit shy with my tax, what you gonna do, shoot me?"

"It's the option we usually offer," said the leading tax official. As he spoke the six riders all drew their weapons, faster than Searle or Jay could manage.

"Looks like it's time to pay your dues," said the man, but before he could finish, a wild wilderbeest rode in, knocking the guns out of the riders hands and terrifying their horse, who stampeded away, taking the tax officials with them.

"Heck, looks like I was wrong about you Matilde," Searle said. "You best ride with us after all."

Which is how Matilde came to be with them a week's ride later, when they came across the famous Goss brothers. But that story, dear reader, ain't even written yet, so don't go a demanding it of me. Hell, I ain't even sure if I've finished this one proper like.