Nika

By loquaciousicity

Thu, 09 Apr 2015
  • 1329 reads
3 comments
 

 

A sylph appears beneath the night -

beguiling smile and touch invite...

 

As honey flows and nectar drips,

Sweet laughter ripples 'cross her lips...

 

Her crystal eyes are flashing blue -

They beckon with a lusty hue...

 

Her silken strands of flaxen hair

Are waving wildly in the air...

 

The music plays, her swirling dance

Entraps me in a mystic trance...

 

She disappears as nighttime wanes -

I'm left bewitched, my soul in chains...

Certificate 12
Poem
Romance

Comments

Submitted by kheldar on

Hi Terry,

Hi Terry,

I really like this poem - it has the intense hit of an espresso but the lingering pleasure of a caramel macchiato.  Having said this, I hope you won't mind me raising a couple of points:

In the second stanza I feel describing her eyes as both "flashing" and "misty" is a contradiction.

In the third stanza the "golden hair" could perhaps be "silken hair" (thus removing the repetition of golden) and to me the word "gaily" detracts from the power of the piece.

Once again, I really enjoyed reading this and I hope you don't mind my comments.

cool

Submitted by loquaciousicity on

Hi Kheldar,

Thanks for you comments...

I think they propose definite improvements to the words I wrote or ot least point out the weaknesses.

Much appreciated...

I won't edit the poem (at least not now) but let the new readers read your comments in addition to the poem... that way the there will be no confusion

 

 

Submitted by loquaciousicity on

Hi Kheldar,

Since nobody made further comments, I have made a few modification following your thoughts!

 

Thanks a lot!

 

Terry