Liz and James Go Over The Limit!

They were lying in bed. Sunday morning. James was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. Liz was asleep next to him. Then Liz stirred.

"Morning Lover..."

"Morning My Sweet Liz."

But he carried on staring at the ceiling.

"You're quiet..." said Liz.

"I'm thinking....".

Liz paused. "What are you thinking?"

James paused even longer. "I'm thinking we've never been arrested. We always said we would one day. It’s one of our ambitions. Get up, get dressed. I've got an idea."

James got out of bed and went to the bathroom. For few moments Liz hesitated. But it would be something different wouldn't it? An adventure? An interesting life? That's what she'd signed up for wasn't it? What the hell?

She got up and called to James in the shower.

"Aren't you going to tell me anything about your idea? Like, just for the sake of argument, am I looking at five years here?"

"Don't worry my sweetheart. It's nothing like that. Trust me, have I ever let you down?"

Liz thought for a moment but decided it was best not to answer.

Downstairs James put on his coat.

Liz objected. "Aren't we even going to have any breakfast?"

"Absolutely under no circumstances and on no account are we having breakfast."

As they left the house he grabbed two bottles of shitty white wine from the fridge. Sitting in the car he passed one of the bottles to Liz and threw the other in the back.

"I'll drive. You have to drink all that bottle before we get to Thame. All of it. Can you do that?"

"I'll try." (OK, she thought to herself, this time he really is completely off his trolley. She sighed. She always known it would happen one day.)

It took twelve minutes to drive to Thame, with Liz swigging from the bottle all the way. By the time they arrived, the wine was all gone and so was Liz. James pulled up outside the police station taking care to park in a space clearly signed "Police Vehicles Only". He reached in the back for the second bottle of wine and started gulping it down.

Liz looked at him. "James, we’re outside a police station. Aren't you going to give me just like, a tiny clue?"

"It's a surprise! Don't worry, you'll enjoy it. Actually, I've no idea how it will end up but it should be fun."

With a final huge swallow he finished the wine.

"OK. Just follow me and follow my lead. You'll be good at this."

The police station was empty except for an overweight desk sergeant with his cup of tea. He continued to read his newspaper as James marched up to him.

"Good morning officer! Lovely day!"

The sergeant didn't reply, but resentfully tore his eyes from the football reports and settled his gaze on James.

"Officer, please may I introduce myself. I'm James and this is my partner Liz. She's American but please don't hold that against her. Ha-ha! We live in Oakley. The thing is, for breakfast this morning we both had two bottles of wine each and we're both way, way over the limit, and now we've driven here from Oakley. Liz drove from Oakley to Long Crendon and I drove from Long Crendon to here."

The sergeant pondered this for a moment, then spoke for the first time.

"And what do you want me to do? Run around with a big ham sandwich?"

"No officer. Of course not. We'd just like you to do your duty and arrest us."

“That’s right officer,” said Liz, in her best Texan drawl, “guilty as fuck!” She held out her wrists. “Cuff me now! I won’t resist.”

The sergeant let out a sigh that lasted the whole length of "It's Sunday morning, I should be reading the paper with my feet up. And now I've got to deal with a couple of complete fucking nutjobs. Why me Lord? Why me?" He slowly put down his newspaper.

“We’re drunk and we’ve been driving sergeant! You’ve got to arrest us!”

The sergeant reached in his drawer for a pad and pen and settled them on the desk before him. “Well before we get carried away Sir, can we start with your full name?”

“It’s James Horatio Nelson. My father was a huge fan of the admiral you see sergeant.”

“I see Sir. And Miss?”

“Lyons! Liz Lyons. It’s not short for Elizabeth, it’s just Liz.” Liz was trying not to slur.

“Thank you Miss.” The sergeant was quite successful in hiding his contempt for uncouth colonials who would dare to treat Her Majesty’s name with such disrespect.

“So Mr Nelson, Miss Lyons, thank you for coming in today. Now, if I’ve got this right you want me to arrest the both of you for drunk driving. Is that right?”

“Spot on Sergeant” beamed James.

“You got it Sarge!” grinned Liz.

The sergeant made notes. “OK, I understand.” He paused for a moment. “The only problem I can see with that is that there are actually three problems.” He paused again.

“I’d have thought it was pretty straightforward Sergeant,” said James, no longer beaming.

“Well no, I’m afraid it’s not sir. Take problem number one, I don’t know if you’ve been drinking. Problem number two, I don’t know if you’ve been driving. And problem number three, I don’t know if you’ve been doing them both together.” He looked up from his pad and fixed James with a triumphant glare.

James could handle this. He came straight back. “Problem number one, you can easily tell if we’re drunk. Just breathalyse us!”

“Ah, you can say that, but under the law I need grounds to breathalyse you.”

Liz was already getting annoyed. She was missing her Sunday morning shag for this. “Listen Sarge, we just told you we’re drunk off our asses. What more grounds do you need? Jeez, what’s wrong with you Brits. In the States we’d have been shot by now!”

“Miss Lyons, please calm down. Even if I did breathalyse you and find you were over the limit I still don’t know if you drove here, who drove here, and whether you were drunk when you did it.”

This wasn’t going at all to plan. After a few moments of thought James spoke again. “You must have CCTV. Check the CCTV. You’ll see me drive into the car park then drink a bottle of wine.”

“Exactly Sir. I’ll see you drive into the car park then drink a bottle of wine, but it doesn’t tell me if you were drunk or sober when you were driving. And it certainly doesn’t tell me anything about Miss Lyons here.” The sergeant was smiling now. He felt he was getting the upper hand and was quite pleased with himself.

James tried to force a pathway through his foggy synapses. “OK officer. Look, we’ve told you we’re drunk. We’re going to go out there and get in the car. I’m going to drive around the car park. Then you have to breathalyse us and arrest us.”

“Drunk driving isn’t an offence on private property.”

This was a problem. Both James and Liz considered themselves responsible citizens and really didn’t want to drive on a public road while drunk.

“What if we park on the roadside outside the station. That’s a public highway?”

“The CCTV stops at the end of the car park. I won’t know if you are there or not. And I can’t leave the desk.”

“Send a fucking squad car!” Liz was close to screaming.

“I’ve already asked you once Miss Lyons. Please calm down. It’s Sunday morning. I’ve only got one car and they usually knock off about now to have some breakfast.”

“Holy Fucking Jesus! Limeys! What the fuck does a girl need to do to get arrested round here. Come on, let’s go James. I want some breakfast.” She started towards the door.

“OK officer” said James. “On your head be it. We’re getting in the car.”

There was a low swoosh.

“I’m afraid you’re not Sir.”

“Why not?”

“I’ve just locked down the station. You can’t get out.”

“Are we under arrest?”

“No.”

“Then this is unlawful detention. I’m arresting you for unlawful detention. It’s a citizen’s arrest. I arrest you for the unlawful detention of myself and my partner Miss Lyons.” Even though drunk James knew he was on dodgy ground here.

“Mr Nelson. You are not under arrest. However, I have every right to lawfully detain you if I have reason to believe a crime may be committed. Now why don’t you both go sit on that bench over there, have a cup of coffee from the machine, and when you’ve both calmed down we’ll have a think about what to do next.”

James sat dejectedly, his head in his hands, thinking. Liz was too furious with James to think about anything else. Then James called out to the desk.

“How about drunk and disorderly, you fascist Tory scum! Oppressor of the workers! Tool of the capitalist state!”

“Oh piss off.” said the Sergeant.

“How about assaulting a police officer?”

“You’d have to assault me. Are you gonna assault me? Both of you?”

“I might….” Said James, clearly hesitating. “Are you fascist Tory scum?”

“Oh just piss off and shut the fuck up for a minute.” The sergeant returned to his paper.

There were a brief few moments of peace while James considered whether it was a moral imperative to use violence against an agent of a despotic state. Liz had no such problem with the moral imperative of the violence she was going to use against James when they got home. James made up his mind and walked tentatively toward the desk. Liz made up her mind to cut his cock off, then decided that might be a bit too harsh.

“I’m sorry officer. I’m going to have to punch you but it won’t be hard. Think of it as purely symbolic.” He began to slowly draw back his fist.

The sergeant didn’t even look up from his newspaper.

“Mr Nelson, can I just ask you why you want to do this?”

As James dropped his fist to compose his answer there was another low swoosh and in walked PSO Valerie Lampard, the same Valerie Lampard who had proudly patrolled the Oakley streets for as long as anyone could remember.

“Hi Liz! Hi James! What on earth brings you here? Been playing “Hide The Salami” with the blinds open again?”

This time the sergeant did look up from his paper. Liz began to colour. Just a little.

“Fucking bitch shouldn’t have been looking” she muttered. “Fucking peeper.”

“Hi Val” said James, attempting cheeriness. “Well, it’s really quite simple. Liz and I have been drunk driving and are merely trying to persuade this officer to do his job and arrest us.”

“Oh come on James. Don’t gimme none of that crap. I’ve known you and Liz for years. You two are the last two people who would ever drink and drive. What’s really going on?

“I’ll tell you what it’s about” said Liz, her voice rising as her confidence returned. “It’s about some fucking dickhead asshole who has ‘Getting Arrested’ on his fucking bucket list!” By the end of the sentence she was shrieking and glaring at James.

“Are you two really pissed?”

“Yeah. A bottle of wine each on an empty stomach pissed.” James was looking at the floor. “But we didn’t drive pissed. Liz drank it while I was driving and I drank it in the car park.”

“Come on. I’ll take you home.”

“But I parked in a Police Only bay….”

“Oh for God’s sake James. Friends as we are I’m beginning to lose my patience with you two. Just gimme the fucking keys and get in my car outside.”

The sergeant returned to his newspaper.

They sat in the back of Val’s car as she moved their car to a public bay. Neither of them said a word. Nor was the silence broken as Val drove them back to Oakley. As she pulled up outside their house Val reached into her jacket and pulled out a pad on which she briefly scribbled.

“There you are James,” handing him a piece of paper. “Since you are so keen on getting arrested here’s a Police Caution for Wasting Police Time. You are now on the police computer. Happy now? And remember next time you pull a stunt like that I won’t be there to get you out of it.”

“Thanks Val. Really sorry,” muttered James, “and Liz is too. See you down the pub tonight?”

“Just fuck off James!”

Once inside the house James braced himself for the onslaught.

“Go on Liz, say what you have to say. Let’s get it over with. I can take it.”

“Well I was furious and was gonna cut your cock off but I’ve calmed down now. Actually all that wine on an empty stomach has made me quite frisky.”

“For fuck’s sake Liz, how many more times do I have to tell you? In proper English it’s HORNY!”