The Battle Is On! Only I Can Help Myself! Will I Win Or Lose!!!!!

I went for my blood test, which I had asked for as I had felt unwell, it turned out that by the time of the test I already knew I had shingles, I was informed by the Doctor I didn’t need to fast, which was nice, but to make sure the results was good, I decided to fast anyway, I only had a cuppa, with no sugar in.

The Nurse who had taken the test, I didn’t tell her I had shingles, my left arm was aching near my elbow but it wasn’t my elbow I had mentioned this to the Doctor who had diagnosed me, he’d said it was Tennis Elbow, but I don’t think it is that. So I asked the Nurse to take blood from my right arm but no blood was to be found there. I had told her my arm was aching, she had said, “Its good it hurting today, as it will show up on the test.” She told me she thought it was arthritis, I hoped it wasn’t that either!

She said she would phone me with the results the following Monday at 1.30pm. The phone rang and the Nurse told me that, “My cholesterol was a bit high.” I said, “Did the blood test show anything else?” She replied, “No” I asked her what the number was for my cholesterol, she said she, “Wouldn’t tell me,” she asked me if, ”The letter had arrived this morning,” I replied, “Yes,” only I hadn’t understood it for it must have been a standard letter for it said, “I need to see you, for your medication may need to be changed,” that didn’t make sense for I wasn’t on any medication for it. So a date was set for 8 days later. I wasn’t bother by it and that night I had before I went to bed at 1am, apple pie and custard it was nothing unusual for me, for I eat what I want, when I want. I deny myself nothing, when it comes to food. I feel I am ‘good’ and although I am not a healthy eater but I do consider myself to be a junk eater I am not large compared to some people, for the amount of calories I consume, I don’t in general add sugar to my tea, coffee or hot chocolate! I don’t add salt to anything except chips! Yes I do love crisps, cake, biscuits, Big Macs, fish & chips, chocolates of course, but equally l love salads and often eat it....

Before I met my Husband Paul I had lived on my own for 5 years for me the sky was the limit then! One of my best Sunday Dinners was Jamaican Ginger cake all of it, with a large carton of custard for my meal, I had that a few times YUM!!! If ever I was having a Christ mas party for a few friends the only thing I could buy in advance was peanuts! How horrible are they? If I had bought a cake for the party I would think that evening, there is a cake in the kitchen, I just got to have a slice and then I’d have another and that meant I would have to buy another one, so to stop the temptation, no cake was bought until the day of the party!! But nuts, I would never ever be tempted! The only nuts I liked is Marathon and Topic. And I only found out I like Marathon by accident. Many years ago when I was 19 years old I worked at Boots the Chemist they had 3 floors, the bottom floor was the chemist the middle floor was music and the top floor was toys! On the ground floor one day they had a bit of a sale and they had reduced mini Marathons, I bought it and liked it from then on. But in general I don’t try food to see if I like it or not if it looks or sounds horrible then it is. Hence I have never tried sushi, I am sure it would taste nicer, fried gently in a little butter, salt and tomato ketchup! There are some things I just don’t need in my life Marmite, peanuts, lentils, any pulses and avocado just to name a few, I have tasted avocado and it IS horrible. My Brother who is a Nurse was horrified when I told him I didn’t like them, he said, “What’s in this fruit isn’t in any other fruit!” I didn’t care.

All my brothers are healthy eaters and keep themselves fit doing various sports and watching what they eat, but not me, until I had kids I was 8 stone 2lb no more no less and a size 8 to 10 so very slim, considering the food I ate. It wasn’t a vast amount, for when I ate anything I ate slowly and enjoyed it. I grew up on the fattiest milk that could be bought, we all did in our house.

When I had my first child I should have had counselling for I put on 2 stone and never lost it, with tears I had to give my clothes away to charity shops for none of them now fitted me. So today I am a size 14 obese in my view! At work they say I am not, but I know I am, but hey I believe I have one Life and why should I deny myself anything when it comes to food. So having had apple pie and custard at 1am, I then had apple pie and custard for breakfast 08.30am at work!! It was lovely!!

To be fair to me, I didn’t really know what high or low cholesterol meant, I just know years ago when the Doctor told me over the phone my results from my blood test, was 4 it meant nothing to me and I said to him, “Is it good?” He replied, “Very good,” I then said, Is it OK if I have my cake for breakfast now?” He replied, “Yes you have my permission,” then I tucked into my chocolate cake.

After I finished work on the morning I’d had apple pie and custard for breakfast, I decided to look on the internet to see what it meant. I got the shock of my life! It described it as a disease! If high it can lead to heart attack and death! Oh my goodness!!!! So over the next day or so I read up on it on the internet, I typed in on my phone, food that lowers cholesterol, and at first I saw fruit and vegetables, and I thought that sounds like I need to become vegetarian! I read another page on the web and it said porridge, certain fish, pulses, kidney beans, apples, pears and PEANUTS! It said, peanuts were fattening and it had to be the (nasty) unsalted type.

I always thought when I saw a very large person, that each mouthful of food, good food or bad food, it is their choice to carry on putting it into their mouth, no one can stop them. When they are by themselves, it is up to them if they say to their family and friends that they are on a diet, yet cheat and eat fatty foods. I always love to read of large people who have lost lots of weight I applauded them all. I’ve always said to friends in jest, if I was very large I wouldn’t know where to start to lose weight, so I’d just give up and eat till I died! I remember seeing a man on Oprah, who was very large he lost all the weight and said he would never go back to his large size again, yet he put the weight back on and went even larger than he was before he’d lost the weight!

Then even though I have never smoked a cigarette in my life, I have always sympathised with those who want to give up. It must be hard, the craving and the lack of nicotine, and watching others around them going for a fag and the smell of it. I have worked with all the other smoking workers who have boasted, “It’s been 3 weeks since I have had a cigarette.” Only for them to be smoking the next time I saw them, and for me to add, “I thought you’d given up?” Their usual reply was, I started off with 1 but when the others were smoking on their nights out, it was social and I didn’t want to be left out.....” I only know 1 person who I worked with over the years who has not gone back to smoking again and she did it easily, because she can’t smell anything at all. Other workers now are into the cigarettes you can buy with liquid flavours that can be used indoors, they start with determination but even they still fall by the way, no matter how expensive the unit is, they have all fallen, even those who are using them now .... WILL fail!

So now it’s me, what am I going to do? Give up before I start? Give up before I have even tried? Junk food is my whole life! I have never looked on a packet to see how much fat content, salt, fat etc. I have just ate my food and enjoyed it. My Husband Paul said, “You mustn’t worry, wait until you see the Nurse and hear what she has to say”, but .... the battle is real, it starts in my mind, I have a choice, buy the food it suggests on the internet and put those food only in my mouth, only I can do this, I hate peanuts, but if it can bring my number down, then what have I lost? I would gain a healthy heart and live a longer life.

On Saturday, Sunday and today, I went to my local supermarket and bought oatbran, porridge, prepared fruit in little tubs, apples, pears, semi-skinned milk,  bread with sunflower and pumpkin seeds in, and other bread with  five seeds in (sesame, sunflower, linseed, millet and poppy seed) fresh, reduced salmon and a bag of nuts which had the suggested walnut, brazil, cashew, almond, pecan and hazelnuts in! I already had an unopened jar of thick set honey at home. Armed with all of this I was ready for my personal battle!  

A Nurse friend of mine said when I told her about it, “Who knows what chemicals they put in the margarines to make it lower cholesterol” she made a good point, and I decided that I wouldn’t use any butter or margarines. She also said, people can give up and win after 3 days and win the battle but it’s the habit that is hard to break! She was right, of that I was sure.

On Saturday, for my evening meal I chose to have fresh fish, I grilled it using nothing, I just placed it on foil and cooked it! I ate it on its own and a short time later I was VERY hungry I felt like I had eaten nothing all day! I then cooked porridge, I put in the dish with a teaspoon of honey with 1 strawberry cut up small I didn’t add any other sugar and it was lovely! I did have a dish of porridge earlier in the day and I had put a spoon of jam in instead, I felt proud of myself but when I told Paul, he said, “Jam is full of sugar!” So next time I used honey and fresh fruit. No matter how I tried, I couldn’t stave off the hunger pangs! But each time I would either have my lovely bread with honey or eat the horrible nuts! On the pack of 1 of the pack of nuts it said, “Nuts to give you a boost!” I said to Paul, “I don’t feel boosted!!!” I knew exactly what would remove the horrible feeling of deep hunger, crisps, hob nobs, or cake that I had in the house! But I remind myself this IS my next step, I will have a plum, they are there in full view, so I could see them next to the cakes I had on the kitchen table. I had more toast on honey before I went to bed that night, I still didn’t feel full, but I’d survived my first day!

Sunday always after my morning of Worship, I go to the shop and there was the perfect cake reduced, dead cheap, a total bargain!!! Last week I would have snapped it up in a flash! But I KNEW I would not be able to stop the temptation at home if this was in our home I would truly fall!! Big time! So having looked at it, for a minute, I knew what my next step had to be, so I chose the lovely seeded bread next to it also reduced, and carried on shopping for my well being.

Paul had already said he was making homemade chips with egg for our Sunday meal, and he makes the BEST homemade chips I have ever tasted! My Mum a retired Nurse said, the evening before, “You mustn’t have any more fry-ups.” And lots of other things, so I said to Paul, “I will not be having, egg and chips; I will do my own meal, he accepted this and didn’t make a big deal about it, this helped me a lot.

Meghan and I always share a whole pack of chewy soft mints during the Service, where we Worship but yesterday I remembered my habit of doing and I didn’t even look in my handbag, I simply enjoyed the Service.

This morning I had lovely porridge, with a small teaspoon of honey and a strawberry chopped up with toasted seeded bread with honey. I still battle the STRONG hunger pangs, but I try to think ahead, when I went to town this afternoon with Meghan I took a banana with me and I knew I had nasty (medicine) nuts in my handbag, for I see the nuts as medicine, for it’s horrible but it’s doing me good!

For our evening meal today it was sausage, potatoes, carrots a spot of gravy, I LOVE gravy!!! I smothered it in tomato ketchup, I really enjoyed that meal, I only had 1 sausage....

I hope my efforts before I see the Nurse on the 8^th will make a difference! I hope my cholesterol number isn’t too high! I hope it can be controlled with diet alone, for I have heard from my Mum and lad at work, the tablets side effects isn’t very nice, Stephen from work said, “My Nan used to ache from her tablets but recently she was put on different tablets and now she does not ache.” I had planned to have fresh fish for my Tea, but as it was my day off I decided to write today on ABC Tales and then I had to meet Meghan after school up Town, when we returned home Paul had cooked the meal, so I may have the fish for breakfast tomorrow. My body is screaming out for cake, crisp, biscuits, hot chocolate Big Mac, fries ..... And when the apple pies (my share) is eaten up by the rest of the family, I don’t plan to buy anymore.......    

I just hope I am not too late, to make a difference. I am peckish now, so I will treat myself to lovely nutty toasted bread with honey, the time now is 12.30am, I know that some of the food that I am eating now, maybe too much of, like the bread may be wrong but that is why I will be seeing the Nurse on the 8^th, hopefully she will put me right.

I just hope I am not like the determined smoker, who is determined to give up! But fails!