Grace Part Thirteen.

There was a new colleague at work, she made no secret of it, that just before she started working with us, that she’d had an abortion. She said, “We couldn’t afford a baby and I didn’t know at the time, that I’d soon get a job here.” I desperately wanted a child, I knew I wasn’t barren. I then envied all the teens that I saw all around me, up Town and on TV. How lucky they all were, to be able to have sex and a baby SO easily. Before I’d thought it was wrong, but now all my views had changed, they were the lucky ones and they didn’t even know it. 

 
I had another dream, that Paul was been ‘helped’, so as I waited just outside a bedroom in the building like a special set aside one in a very large doctor’s surgery Paul was having great sex with a stranger set aside for the purpose, as I sat outside the door in the corridor like I was told to by a doctor, I could hear them. At first Paul would be in and out quickly, as he was thinking of my feelings and then we’d go back home, but in the dream, the following week, he stayed a bit longer in the room with the woman and each week he’d stay with her longer and longer as I sat on the chair outside listening to them, until he didn’t care and was with her for a very long time. The pain in my heart, I can’t describe.

 
Then in real life, I decided to hang myself at the top of the stairs! I thought ‘at first Paul will be sad, but he’d soon get over me and he’d be able to have great sex.’ But I kept seeing him, in my minds eye coming up the stairs and find me hanging. I really couldn’t do that to him. Surly this was rock bottom? I’d see these images now and again, me hanging and Paul finding me. I just felt alone, I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t tell Paul about the dream or the hanging. 

 
Then one day I read this, and related it to me, I’ve changed some of the texts:-

 
And yet for a time, O Lord, you have tossed me aside in dishonour and have not helped me in my battles. 10 You have actually fought against me and defeated me before my foes (Non Believers). My enemies have invaded my land and pillaged the countryside (Beverley). 11 You have treated me like sheep in a slaughter pen and scattered me among the nations. 12 You sold me for a pittance. You valued me as nothing at all. 13 The neighbouring nations mock and laugh at us (Paul and myself), (the counsellors and doctor)  because of all the evil you have sent. 14 You have made the word Jew (virgin) a byword of contempt and shame among the nations, disliked by all. 15-16 I am constantly despised, mocked, taunted, and cursed by my vengeful enemies.

 
17 And all this has happened, Lord, despite my loyalty to you (I’d kept myself a virgin as I was taught from an early age). I have not violated your covenant. 18  My heart have not deserted you! I have not left your path by a single step. 19 If I had, I could understand you punishing me in the barren wilderness and sending me into darkness and death. 20 If I had turned away from worshiping my God and were worshiping idols, 21 would God not know it? Yes, He knows the secrets of every heart. 

 
23 Waken! Rouse yourself! Don’t sleep, O Lord! Am I cast off forever? 24 Why do you look the other way? Why do you ignore my sorrows and oppression? 25   l lie face downward in the dust. 26 Rise up, O Lord, and come and help me. Save me by your constant love. Psalm Chapter 44 verses 9-26 (Paraphrase) The Living Bible.

 
I’d read the whole Bible, but didn’t remember ever reading Psalm 44. I also read all the book of Job. In the book of Job, he says, “I wish I had a mediator, between God and myself.” So that I could ask God, “Why?”