We’re In Touch With Your World

Tired of feeling neglected and left out in the cold?
Getting a bit nervous about slowly growing old?
Long given up on that great big lottery win?
Feel it’s the right time to repent all your sins?
Are you yearning for the touch of an Almighty hand –
To lead you back into the Promised Land?
Like your holy water bottled and shaken, not stirred?
Then give us a call -
We’re in touch with your world.

Running out of alms for the undeserving poor?
Hiding from those Witnesses bangin’ on your door.
Confused by the views of L.Ron Hubbard?
Then it’s time to put Scientology back into the cupboard.
Does the thought of six wives make you come over all faint?
Then go ditch The Church Of The Latter Day Saints.
Do you want to grow wings and fly like a bird?
Then drop us a line -
We’re in touch with your world.

Tired of sacrificing sinners, fatted calves and baby goats?
Thought that Quakers were a brand of porridge oats?
Find it hard to go to Blackpool and part the raging sea?
And can’t get your head around Bob Marley?
Muslim, Hindu and New Age Spiritualist –
You can cross them all off your shopping list.
Want to quit the stoning before a rock gets hurled?
Then fill in that form -
We’re in touch with your world.

Buddhists may be peaceful and at one with the earth
But some old guy in Italy swears by a virgin birth
Immaculate conception for some teenager called Mary
They’ll be telling you next they’re ordaining the fairies.
Goblins and witches, small elves and trolls
You may as well throw them out with old your voodoo dolls.
If the thought of Cliff Richard makes your toes begin to curl
Then make an appointment –
We’re in touch with your world.

Through with sloppy words on the headstones of graves?
Can’t locate the bank where Jesus saves?
‘God Only Knows’, those Beach Boys informed us
Like some spaced out Californian heavenly chorus.
Getting fed up with all those smarmy Bible thumpers,
With their stroke victim smiles and sensible jumpers?
Sick of clinging on in there for the truth to be unfurled?
Then hang on no more –
We’re in touch with your world.

Struggling to get your camel through that small needles eye?
Got a mate who’s been abducted by visitors from Gemini?
Need to go out shopping for white loaves and fish?
Had some snake sidle up and grant you a wish?
Spent forty odd days out in the wilderness
Waiting for some bloke named Judas to throw you a kiss?
Would you Adam ‘n Eve it, Salome twists and twirls
But back here in reality –
We’re in touch with your world.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth,
Hear opticians and dentists declaring that truth.
Who’s the most righteous, which faith is the best?
Search for shopping mall salvation on your day of rest.
‘Let there be light’, it’s all in God’s will
But you wouldn’t want to cop for the electricity bill.
And The Church Of Euthanasia won’t help you get by
When they run out of martyrs to go crucify.
So cast before swine your diamonds and pearls
Even Prince sings –
We’re in touch with your world.

So why hang around like some old temple dancer
Or stake your whole future on some scripture quoting chancer?
The books and the letters, the lessons to be leant
When there’s crusades to be booked and heretics to be burnt.
The imam, the prophet, the crazed holy roller,
The vicar, the wise man, the red-hot coal stroller.
They all promise salvation to each boy and girl
But you know that’s plain childish –
We’re in touch with your world.

So why not come and join us, turn your eyes to the sky
A lifetime of easy payments, terms and conditions apply
No salesman will dial you or call at your home
And there won’t be any pilgrimages to Mecca or Rome.
No Christmas or Easter, Ramadan or Eid,
And we won’t crucify you and leave you to bleed.
Although you might feel some heat and get a little bit burned
Because we’re right there beneath you –
And we’re in touch with your world.