Alien Murmuration - Chapter 15 (1991)

The gig was brilliant, this is totally where I want to be. All I need is . . .

It’s the thing that happened after that gets me. I am totally unsure if I want to do this. Just like I am with everything.

I am standing in a busy bustling queue. The night air is cold and damp against my skin. The beers are keeping me warm sort of, but I know inside myself how uncomfortable I should be feeling right now. My heart is pounding in my chest, it feels like it is going to give out at any moment. I know full well that I am not old enough to get in here. Neither am I anywhere cool enough to get in here so I don’t know why I am trying.

”Just look confident!” Manny Smiles at everyone, although I think we all know that he means me. “Act like you're here all the time! We all belong here, always here, just another night out for us”.

He gives me an uneasy smile that says both “I’ve got you mate” and “I am talking to you freakshow.”

 

A second or two later Katie comes over and stands next to me. As she reaches me she threads her arm through mine and kind of nuzzles her cheek into my shoulder. I assume she is trying to relax me but I feel my body tense even more. I am standing here on parade and to attention while everyone else is loose, baggy and relaxed.  

Or at least they are pretending to be.

Katie looks up at me, she looks cool and relaxed, maybe a little bit drunk. She smiles her disarming and calming smile.

“Click” she says, accentuating the word with a click of her tongue. I look at her, a little stunned and confused. Apparently, the question in my mind is also clearly written on my face.

“Do you think we clicked, Alien?” she smiles again “You and me?”

I smile back and give a tentative nod as the line shuffles forward along the grubby arches. The tension I am feeling, and the alienation of the situation rob me of any useful words. I feel like an alien again.

“Just relax baby” she coos calmly, her amber eyes bright and wide sparkling a little with her easy smile.

I nod again, trying to be both more firm and confident and more relaxed. It doesn’t come off. I can see that by the way she is smiling at me. This is the fucking Zap club for god’s sake. Well known to be the hangout of the cool and the beautiful people from all over Brighton. I can’t fit in here, they’ll make mincemeat out of me! Just like . . . Manny.”

I let my shoulders drop and smile to Katie and to myself. ‘Look how far you have come, Alien.’ I think to myself.

I look down at Katie. “look how far you have come

‘Enjoy it you fool’ I think as smile forms with little confidence on my face.

“Click” I say with a forced calm. Forced cool. Am I any different to the other people in this queue?”

I see Manny’s hand. Held out in the middle of everyone. Flat and low. Holding? Holding some small white pills with some kind of picture pressed into them. The others all pick one each. I look at Katie. ‘We’re not doing these are we?’ I think to myself but dare not ask.

With two left, Manny turns his hand and offers them to Katie. ‘Is she going to do two?’ She reaches out for them picks them both up. Then turns and smiles at me.

“Click” her smile broadens and her shiny white teeth catch the light “You and me Alien?”  She smiles. It’s not a question. It is just what is going to happen,

Every sinew of my anxiety is screaming at me. So what it is that makes me reach out my hand towards her is anyone’s guess.

She gently reaches up and puts the pill on my dry lips.

“You first Alien, I am not doing it without you” she smiles

I open my mouth and let her push it inside.

“Swallow it, don’t crunch they taste disgusting!” Manny clumsily barges into our moment and hands me a bottle of water.

I take a swig of water and offer it to Katie to do the same.

“I’ve never . . . “ I quietly mew through a forced smile.

“Nor have I.” She smiles back to me. She is excited and jumps in the air a little before she regains her cool.

The next thing I know we are behind Manny, Chris, Tom, Rod, Tash and Lizzy. Katie is leading me by the hand up through the bare bricked corridor with paint and plaster peeling artfully off the walls. There are a few people out here, standing, talking, drinking, hugging and smoking. The bass drum from inside is pounding insistently on the walls bouncing around the curved ceiling. Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof.doof doof. It is being held at bay by these relic archways that line Brighton beach. They have been battered by sea and wind, home to the fishermen and sailors down the years and now being shaken by music to amuse the youth.

It was outside one of these arches that I remember meeting my grandfather after he’d been fishing. He was clambering up the pebbled beach dressed in oils head to toe. He looked like a creature from out of space. I had no idea which of the 4 or five men was him as they all looked the same in that moment. I stood with my parents and watched him and his friends winch their boat up the beach before storing it in one of these dusty old arches with peeling paint and fractured damp wooden frames. As I was trying to figure out the difference between the misty rain caught in the wind and the mist from the sea being blown across my face, I remember thinking that he must be really important to be using one of these arches so central to the town of Brighton. It was like another world to me.

Suddenly the bass drum bursts through as Manny swings open the door into the club. Now though the bass drum is accompanied by a hypnotic siding snare and grinding bass noises that seem to enter deep inside me. The vocals begin and the whole place seems to shift up a gear. I am overcome by the sound of joyous cheering. I am no fan of dance music but this, in its right time and place sounds amazing.

I am pulled through the door, only to be overcome with the full spectrum of . . .

“Fuck!!” I let out slowly

Katies turns to me and smiles. She holds my hand tighter and looks at me excitedly. Then she turns as Manny gestures up and to the right of us to something that I cannot see yet. I walk through the door and am amazed at the sea of bodies moving in time with the music like waves upon the dancefloor. Manny, Liz and Tom disappear, and we follow Chris and Tash around the pounding throng of the dancefloor and up a small flight of stairs.

The pounding music. The Flashing lights searching across the room. They are overwhelming. I stand and watch a bright flat light circle the room. It goes up into the curved ceiling and around the crowded balconies. Everything is lit up like searchlight in a black and white war film. I follow the light up and around and then down over the rippling waves of the dancefloor. Hundreds of hands lift up lovingly to greet the light. Grasping and clawing at it insistently as it lowers to join them. It reminds me of the moonlight bouncing on a gently swaying ocean. I feel calm inside. Calm inside . . .  in here. I feel calm like never before.

Katie tugs my hand and points to people standing on the stairs. They are smiling and dancing. Waiting for me to let them past.

I snap back to reality and worry that I am being rude. ‘Shit’. Anxiety starts to tell me that I should be panicking. So many people. So much noise. So many crazy lights. I try to listen but I have moved and the people are walking past me. They are smiling. They are patting me. Someone hugs me and the last girl kisses my cheek and smiles.

“You are going to have an amazing night.” She smiles again.

Suddenly there is no doubt about it. I do belong here.

I make my way up the stairs to Katie, wondering if she is cross about the girl kissing me. About the . . . wait . . . what happened?”

I see her clicking her tongue as I meet her at the top of the stairs. She closes her eyes and sways gently with the swirling string sounds that have emerged from the drums and bass when they dropped out. The lights have dropped too and all around is darkness as we drift together. Me and Katie. Me and Katie and Chris and Tash. Me Katie, Chris and Tash and everyone else.

Katie pulls me close and hugs me tight. I can feel the music deep in my gut. I can feel love in my gut too, deep inside me. Part of me. Part of us all. ‘This is insane.’ Usually my gut holds the nerves, the pain, the worry and anxiety but now it feels . . . ? . . .what? . . .? Love!. My jaw is tight shut and a wave of love inside me joins the one that is holding us all together. It flows up through my body. It closes my eyes and holds Katie and I closer. Anxiety begone.

Then. . .

The piano fills the air. A rallying cry to us here. As one. I open my eyes to meet Chris, Tash and Katie all smiling at me.

“Wow!” Katie mouths at me. I think I hear Chris say “Alien, you can feel it!” We all smile as one. Dancing on that piano riff . . .  until . . .

“Mo - ve your Bo - dy”

The drums kick back in and we are off. I have never danced like this. I have never really dances. It doesn’t matter. I was just doing it. I wasn’t someone dancing. I was just part of this thing, this ocean moving its waves across the room. The drums move my body, the bass lifting my body and the vocals holding everything together in harmony.

I didn’t know music could do this.

Katie flicks back her curly hair and her eyes delve deep inside me. We are locked together as we dance behind the waves looking over the balcony. I smile, watching my smile surf towards her. She knows it is for her and closes her eyes and slips her hand behind her neck letting a slow smooth stream of air flow through her pursed lips. Tash takes her hand and lifts it to the sky as they dance. I feel her stream of air and hold her gaze. I open my mouth wide and let her see my tongue click loudly.

She smiles and jumps towards me, holding me close as we dance together. Part of each other.

Part of the crowd.