Murmuration - Chapter One (Part Two) - 1994

(Back To Chapter One - Part One)

 

Chapter One -  Part Two

 

Even his muscle memory tensed up as his body remembered the panic of walking into assembly or stepping out of the changing rooms at the pool at the King Alfred Leisure Centre. The difference here though was that there was no fear or panic, no matter how much his body remembered. All he felt here was love. Love for all these people. He stood and smiled as he considered the fact that some of these people were probably the same ones who terrified him at the football, the shopping centre, supermarket or pretty much anywhere in his younger days.

 

Soon the five of them were flowing out of the Shark Club. Orderly and smooth like a river flowing to the sea. Charly took Moony’s hand and let him lead her down the corridor to the outside world. He turned and smiled at her and laughed, he started to rush a little and gently lost his balance. The couple next to him held him up with smiles, kindness” 

 

Charly thanks them and they reply with “I think he likes you”. Charly started to rush a little too. She closed her eyes and smiled happy and content.

 

They stepped out into the crisp night air. The cooling breeze hit them like a cotton wool train. Targeting their sweat patches and the sweaty matted hair stuck to their faces. The cotton wool breeze wrapped them all in comfort the volume of the club releasing their hearing back to kind of normal levels. Jon smiles and looks around at his new friends, feeling like the universe has put him exactly where he needs to be. 

 

“This is it people!” he announced with certainty. 

 

Alien wonders exactly what ‘it' is and how this is ‘it’ but he smiles at himself and doubts his human credentials for the first time that evening.

 

Manny suddenly lets go of Charly’s hand and sprints off.

 

He quickly returned with a piece of paper held up in triumph. 

 

“Positive Sounds people” he announces jumping and smiling excitedly “Positive Sounds at Shoreham Powerstation. This is where we need to be”

 

Next thing they know they were in a taxi pulling up behind Shoreham Power Station. Alien starts to drift into memories of family walks along here with his parents and grandparents. He remembers loving walking over the lock gates through the harbour and down to the beach. It always felt like the entrance to some secret magical world. 

 

As he got out of the taxi with his friends, he felt like he did all those years before. Entering a secret magical world.

 

Moony was unsteady on his feet as he stepped onto the pebbled beach just up from the car park where the sound system was set up. There were people everywhere. The music was loud, echoing through the air and losing itself on the light breeze. It was harder, yet not as demanding as in the club.

 

“Who wants another?” Moony smiled, holding out his hand with five pink pills sitting in its palm.  Alien second-guessed himself for a moment but as he looked at the five pills in Moony’s hand. All ready for them. Five pills for five people. it didn’t seem like an option to say no. It would push everything out of sync. With a  shared bottle of water they wash down another few hours of bliss. 

 

Dancing together.

 

Alien looked around. Taking it all in. Soaking it all up. He marvelled at how many different kinds of people were there. Far more varied than in the club. Far more varied than anywhere he had ever been. He always assumed that trying to mix people was a bad idea. Usually, he had been proven right.

 

He wondered where everyone had been tonight. There are dreadlocked crusties with their bandanas and bare chests dancing alongside the more serious hardcore ravers, baggy jeans and bright coloured tops, they were adorned with whistles and an array of strange objects around their necks, including baby’s dummies. Then there was the football crowd dressed in brightly coloured sports labels. A nod back to the casuals of the 80’s. Alien thought these guys looked really cool . . . dangerous, but really cool.  Then there were the clubbers from town. Dressed more conservatively in their hushed tones and less ostentatious designer gear. 

 

Finally, there were the five of them, the indie kids, striped t-shirts and beads, borrowing a little from here and a little from there. Although really wasn’t everyone doing that?

 

As the second pill started to work Alien started to feel discombobulated and confused. He was dancing but felt like he was off-beat with the music, his body was kind of disconnecting from his brain. It was all too much for Alien and he looked over at the beach for comfort. This is one of the places he remembers being happy as a kid . . . really happy. Just him and his parents. Everything was safe and predictable. He tried to keep dancing but it was no use.

 

The music was nastier than in the shark. Metallic bass sounds ripping through him like a chainsaw. He closed his eyes and tried to catch onto the thudding beat. In the darkness he felt like he was thrown into a dizzying swirling breeze. It was like a rollercoaster with no rails. Twisting and turning he lost the music entirely and stood. Alone in the darkness. He opened his eyes and the crowd felt hostile again. Like when he was a kid. His eyes opened wider, fear and panic ran through him.He made a break for it. Through the crowd. On to the beach. Breathing heavily as the second pill really started to take hold. 

 

“Fuck! now I can’t go back” he thought to himself with a growing sense of panic “I am stranded. Lost. alienated . . .  Alienated . .  Alie. . .n.” His thoughts were sprialling out of his head. He lost control and felt like he was watching himself standing on the beach. Next thing he knew he was turning in a tight circle hoping that this controlled movement would ease the panic inside him. Dizzy and tired he started to spin and lose his balance. His body separating from his thoughts as everything slipped away from him.

 

He sat down on the knobbly pebbles.

 

He ran his fingers through his hair and let out a jet of air through his gritted teeth. “What the fuck?” he said quietly.

 

Then he heard his saviour.

 

“The second one is fucking mental. Don’t fucking gouch out Man” Moony was next to him. His arm around him. He repeated “Don’t gouch dude, you’ll never get up again. We have to keep on dancing, at least for a bit”

 

Moony looked his mate deep in his eyes and smiled. Alien knew that Moons could see him. He felt like his mate had pulled himself back together. 'Funny phrase' that he thought. It had never really meant anything until now ‘Pull yourself together’ he laughed at its absurdity and then smiled at his new understanding of this well-used phrase. Moons could really see him though. Like really fucking see him. He knew that somehow his mate understood him. 

 

Moons had a really annoying habit of doing this . . .  and being right where he needed to be. 

 

The two friends were locked in a look they both understood . . . and they made a plan.

 

“Let’s just dance around the edge. Get our bearings” Moony smiled.

 

Alien hadn’t realised that the others had followed Moony too. He looked up at them from the pebbles and smiled 

 

“I’m fucked guys”.

 

Both Katie and Charly offered Alien their hands and pulled him up when he accepted. They both hugged him. Jon and Moony joined the hug and the five of them stood for a few minutes rushing and hugging. It felt so amazing to be with friends, old and new.

 

Alien was back in the game.

 

Charly lead the group back over to the music and picked a perfect spot for dancing. Not too far in the huge throng of people but not so far out that the music was lost. They were on the beach. Just outside the car park. At the rave. Just outside the dance floor. Jon started to nod his head to the sawing, snarling, grinding music. The lights from the sound system kind of surrounded him and gave him an otherworldly, almost angelic look. As the pills kicked in harder and the music took them they struggled to dance a little on the shifting stones of Shoreham beach. A weird sensation but they soon got used to it and off they flew into the darkness for another few hours of joy and happiness. Life was never this good and we are not even sure it was supposed to be.

 

As they dance they again consider the scene. Their fellow party-goers are ravers, casuals, mod, crusties, lads, geezers and hippies.  So many different people. Different people shouldn’t get on like this. No hint of trouble, no hatred, no upset and no grief. Just love, love, love and more love. Alien never believed that people could be like this. He danced with them, felt them, everyone a part of him, rushing through him connected by the music. He was part of something. For the first time. Connected

 

All his life people had tried to explain what he felt. He had been told over and over that he felt nothing at all. That was bullshit though. Often he felt everything. Often he felt more than everyone else. He felt so much and so hard that all he could do was try to hold onto himself so he didn’t lose it.

 

Every step he has taken he has been told he was different. His parents, his psychologist. Hell even himself. They all said he was different. It was impossible not to believe it too. Not when every experience you have ever had reinforces the message.

 

His dad used to talk to him about ‘training’ and ‘practising’ and ‘learning to fit in’. It was like he was supposed to squish and slice and pound his awkward alien persona. All so he could fit into one of society's little boxes. He was going to become a mad scientist, some kind of computer nerd, a dull accountant or some eccentric oddball stuck out on the fringes of society. All that work through his childhood had chipped away at his sharp uncomfortable edges, trying to shape him ready for society’s boxes. All for his own good.

“Look at me now,” he thought as he danced “just the same as everyone else. And if I am not it appears that no-one gives a shit.”

 

(continue to Part Three)