George And The Dragon (Part Two)

© 2013 David Jasmin-Green

“Fuck this for a lark,” a huge muscular man called Gary something or other said as soon as the soldiers' cart disappeared over the ridge. “I'm 'eadin' south for thirty miles or so, then I'm sneakin' back over the border and goin' straight bleedin' 'ome – the so-called precision military force in charge of this operation were in such a rush to get the princess rescued they never took our names and addresses, so they'll be none the wiser. Any of you lot care to join me?” The men muttered amongst themselves, and twelve of them decided to join Gary.

“You'll all be caught and killed,” a stout little bearded man called Michael Thicket said. “The border will be crawlin' with soldiers for weeks. I've 'eard that there's a country at the other side of the badlands, maybe a seventy five mile trek across the mountains. It's called Thuringea, it's a nation with a democratically elected government, fair laws, the right to own land for everyone, no death penalty, a friendly immigration policy and no bleedin' 'igh and mighty royal family callin' all the shots. That's where I'm 'eadin, after a wide detour to avoid the soddin' dragon, of course. 'Oo's with me?” All of the remaining men joined Michael, excepting George. “'Ow about you, chubby?”

“Ermmmmm, I think I'd rather take my chances with the dragon, thanks,” George said. “Or at least go and 'ave a look. It could be educational, I've never seen a dragon before. Except for me old mam, of course.....” The men all burst into laughter. “Me dear departed dad claimed that a dragon frazzled the prize cow 'e was takin' to market, but I suspect 'e sold the cow and went on a massive bender, 'cos we didn't see 'air nor 'ide of 'im for a fortnight. This dragon might be easier to kill than everybody seems to think, or 'e might 'and over the princess without a fight. Anythin' could 'appen - 'oo knows? Besides, I've 'eard that Thuringea is actually in'abited by wild cannibalistic savages with dogs' 'eads.”

“It's your funeral,” Michael said. “Even if you kill the dragon, which is 'ighly unlikely, I've 'eard that Princess Consuela is more fearsome by far than any friggin' dragon..... Cheerio, chubby, and good luck.”

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George followed the valley upstream, and the trees were so dense that it would have been impassable if it wasn't for the narrow pebbled strip beside the stream. He walked several miles before entering a deep gorge that curled around the side of a huge, snow-topped mountain. “What 'ave I got myself into?” he gasped breathlessly, but laboriously he carried on.

After what seemed like hours he reached a plateau about a third of the way up the mountain. The wind was bitter and he wished he's brought warmer clothes, but there was little he could do about that now. Over a hundred yards away he could see the opening of a large cave, and he guessed he had finally reached his destination.

As he approached the cave George passed countless discarded weapons, pieces of battered armour and a scattering of scorched bones, and a number of skulls grinned up at him from the steel helmets they were still wearing. “Yup,” he said to himself. “This is definitely the place. Are you home, Mr. Dragon? Mrs. Dragon? Miss, maybe?”

“It's Mrs Dragon, actually,” a surprisingly soft voice said from the mouth of the cave. “And who might you be?”

“My name is George Piggles, I'm one of the unfortunates sent by King Algernon's men to rescue Princess Consuela – I didn't wanna come, but my own bleedin' mother 'anded me over to the troops. They expect me to kill you and take back your 'ead to prove I've done the dirty deed. I'm not sure if I want to kill you, though, even if I could – killin' you, I've been advised, is nigh impossible, and I'm not the killin' type, so I don't know why I've climbed up 'ere instead of scarpering like the rest of the supposed dragon slayers.”

“Wise words, George, I would prove difficult for any man to kill. As you can see by the scattered human remains, many have tried over the years. I've slaughtered entire armies from Ingerland and Thuringia, but that was years ago when I was a youngster, but I'm a big girl now and curiously enough nobody bothers me any more. Do you know, you're the first human to brazenly walk up to the mouth of my cavern in broad daylight and speak to me. Most men try to sneak up on me at night, but I'm a light sleeper, so that trick never works. That means either of two things - you're incredibly brave or incredibly stupid. Or perhaps both..... Princess Consuela, did you say you'd come to rescue?”

“Yeah, that's right. Why do you ask, are you 'oldin' other princesses captive?”

“I've got twenty three at the moment from far and wide, I guess you could say I collect them. I've got fat princesses, thin ones, tall ones, short ones and in-between ones – ugly ones, plain ones, black ones, brown ones, yellow ones, white ones, pretty ones and a few ravishing beauties.”

“Bloody 'ell! Where are they, then?”

“They're at the back of the cave, you can come and have a look if you want.”

“Really? You won't incinerate me or eat me or anything like that?”

“If I wanted to incinerate you, Georgey boy, I'd have done so by now – and for your information dragons eat large prey, mastodon, buffalo, giant ground sloths and the like, and a morsel of your size would probably stick in my teeth. Besides, I ate a couple of interfering humans when I was a teenager, and I don't much care for the taste..... Come on in, I'll get the girls to make you some tea and something to eat, you must be ravenous.”

“Too right,” George said, taking off the heavy breast plate that was digging into his flesh and dropping it to the ground. “I'm bloody starvin'.”