Pork Pies

© 2013 David Jasmin-Green

“I'm Hank Marvin, so I'm popping into Greggs for a cheap and nasty, do you fancy one?” Jimmy said to Gail, his new friend (whom he hoped one day would be his girlfriend).

“What's a cheap and nasty when it's at 'ome, Jimmy?” Gail replied. “And what do you mean by sayin' you're Hank Marvin? You bloody cockneys am murder; you talk complete bollocks, you know very well I'm fresh 'ere from the Black Country an' I don't understand your stoopid lingo.”

“A cheap and nasty is a Cornish pastie, it's cockney rhyming slang, an' Hank Marvin means starvin'. Gawd, I need to sit down, I've been on me plates of meat all day, they're bleedin' killin' me.”

“There you go again. What are plates of meat?”

“Feet, me feet are killin' me. Cockney rhyming slang is easy once you get used to it, me old China, after a while you'll be usin' the lingo without even thinkin' about it.”

“Wot do you mean by callin' me 'me old China'? You can clearly see that I ain't oriental.”

“'Me old China' means me old China plate – mate. Get it?”

“I see, you pool.”

“Wot do you mean, 'pool'? You're talkin' in riddles, Gail.”

“I was usin' Cockney rhyming slang. Pool - tool. Get it?”

“It don't work like that, darlin'. You can't just use random rhymes, you can't use whatever comes into your 'ead that rhymes. You 'ave to use already existin' rhyming slang, but I suppose if you come up wiv corkers like that one an' spread 'em around enough eventually some of 'em might stick. Cor, look at the apples an' pears on that scruffy old 'ippy.”

“Apples an' pears meaning wot, exactly? I thought it meant stairs. An' stop calling me 'darlin'.”

“It's interchangeable, in this case apples an' pears means flares – the old geyser's wearin' flared trousies. Shit, me Plymouth Argyles am playin' me up, remind me to pop into the chemist later for some cream.”

“Plymouth Argyles?”

“Piles, darlin' – sorry. I know it's a bit Ken Dodd – odd - but I suffer from piles, I need a tube of Anusol.”

“I see.....”

“Look, let's give the cheap an' nasties a miss, I fancy a nice spicy Al Murray.”

“A curry? Yeah, that sounds good to me.”

“You got it in one. I can't afford to pay for both of us, mind, I'm on the Adrian Mole – the soddin' dole, I'm unemployed. If you're willin' to pay yer own way we can 'ave a takeaway and take it back to my flat, it's just a couple of streets away. Remind me to get some Acker Bilk, though, I've run out. Acker Bilk – milk, so we can 'ave a cup of tea. Or if you like we can pop into the Off Licence for a couple of Britneys. Britney spears - beers. We'll 'ave to check if we've got enough jars of 'oney, though, 'oney – money, I've 'ardly got two Abergavennys to rub together. Abergavenny - penny.”

“I don't fink this is gonna work out, Jimmy, you complete cricket bat.”

“Cricket bat?”

“Twat.....”