No Water.

No Water.
Auld Joe ran the edge of the knife along the steel, expertly sharpening it from base to tip. He did this very quickly. It was reminiscent of some African tribal dance manoeuvre, accompanied by the click, sweep, and click, as the edge, scraping along the harder metal of the steel, was sharpened. He moved the blade along the hone, ending in an arc. As he followed perfectly, the shape of the knife-edge, he smiled serenely. Every time I saw my father go through this ritual, I always wanted to ask him to teach me how. He would finish with a flourish, before presenting the knife to the carcass.

He was doing this, one Monday morning in the back of his butcher shop in Pollockshields, when Robert, his assistant, rushed excitedly in from the front shop.

" Joe, Joe, yi'll huvtae come through tae the front shoap, Mel Gibson hus jist walked in, honest Joe, Mel bliddy Gibson."

" Who?"

" Mel Gibson Joe."

"Who the hell is Mel Gibson? - Dae wie owe him any money?"

" Naw, He's a famous Hollywood actor and film director."

" Never heard ae the bastard,"

" Huv yie heard ae Tony Curtis Joe?"

" Everybody's heard ae Tony Curtis son."

" Well he's Tony Curtis, ---the day."

" A better come and see whit this is aw aboot."

My father went through to meet Mel Gibson. Standing bold, as you like, was the short man himself. His mid-evil weapons trainer, who had a gym locally, and had been coaching him in the use of the battle-axe and mace, accompanied him. They had worked long into the night, and Mr Gibson had been treated to Scottish square sliced sausage and eggs for breakfast. Mel had enjoyed the sausage so much; he wanted to take some home to his family.

" Have you a vacuum packing machine sir?"

" Aye son A huv. How much sausage dae yie want."

Mr Gibson bought two full lengths of Lorne, or square sliced sausage, and after giving Robert a signed photograph of himself as Mad Max, he graciously autographed a sheet of greaseproof paper, which later with the photo, was framed, and put on the wall behind the counter. Robert eventually put it on a hook for easy removal, as my father told everybody that Hollywood star Mel Gibson, was on his mailing list, for the best-sliced sausage in Scotland.

My father was an amazing character, and wherever Joe was, things could always take a turn into the mad world he inhabited. The following Monday morning proved this to be true, as all Hell broke loose. Joe put two steak-pie dishes into the steaming hot water in the large stainless steel sink. He turned on the cold-water tap to cool it, no water came out.

" Robert, whit's happened tae the water son?"

" Whit’s that yir sayin Joe? "

" The water Robert, there's nae cold water. Away and find oot, whit the bliddy hellsfire, is goin on, wie the bliddy cauld water. Fur oany fuckin favour.”

" Right, right, haud oan tae yir emotions Joe A'm goin."

Robert walked outside. Being an intelligent guy, he looked on the main road outside the shop for any possible clues. Sitting parked, right next to the butcher shop, was a plumbers van. He looked around for further hints to solve his dilemma. Auld Joe was a nightmare if things were not going his way. A bucket was holding the door to the flats above the shop slightly ajar. Robert followed the clue.

He climbed the stone stairs to the third floor. Hanging out of an open door, was a length of copper piping. Robert chapped the door and called.

" Hello, hello there, anybody about?"

A guy wearing a woolly cardigan and corduroy trousers appeared at the end of the lobby.

" Aye can a help yie?"

" Aye, A think so mate, Is it you that's goat the water turned aff?"

" Aye son, A'm gittin a new shower fitted, the plumber says the water will be aff fur two, or maybe three hours. Why, is it causin yie a problem?"

" Well that depends oan yir perspective mate. See A work doonstairs in the wee butcher shoap, The guy that owns the shoap, ma boss, is a wee bit no right. "

Robert tapped his temple with his finger and continued, " He's goin aff his nut already cause the water's aff, and A really don't want tae go back doon there wie the water, still aff."

The plumber calling from the toilet interrupted him. " Mister Johnston, are yie there Mr Johnston? Where are yie?"

The tall lean plumber, came round the corner of the hall carrying a pair of footprints, when he spotted Robert and Mr Johnston standing at the open door, and noticing Robert's wee white plastic trilby and white butchers coat, it wasn't difficult, he sussed the situation and was not at all happy.

" Naw mate naw, the water is stayin aff, A'll no be oanymare than a coupla hours here, and then A'll turn the water back oan, A huvtae finish this joab the day. Sorry mate but that's it."

" Yie don't understand mate, A wiz tryin tae explain the situa… "

" Naw it's no goin back oan, away yie go and attend tae yir business and A'll dae the same."

Robert tried to explain to the plumber but he wasn't listening. He went back down and spoke to auld Joe.

" The guy upstairs oan the third flair is gittin a shower fitted, the plumber reckons he'll only be a coupla hours Joe, and then it'll be back oan."

" A coupla hours, a coupla fuckin hours. Naw Robert that's no acceptable son. Away back up and tell the bastard tae pit the fuckin water back on, or A'll be up ahint yie, and hell have me tae fuckin deal wie."

" A've already telt the guy that, and eh, Joe, A also told him that, y..you were difficult tae deal wie Joe, and it wiznae a good idea tae git yie fired up, but he didnae seem tae be bothered aboot that."

" Aw is that right?"

Joe took two long and very sharp knives from the chopping block and slipped them into each side of his trouser belt.He lifted a short boning knife and stuck it down the belt at the back of his trousers. After filling both hands with yet two other long and very sharp knives, and repeating,

" is that fuckin right? He disnae seem tae be fuckin bothered aboot that, that'll be shinin fuckin bright."

He turned, and with his white coat billowing behind him, he headed outside and up the stairs to confront the plumber. Robert, hurrying after, took the time to lock the door of the shop, before, Ninja-like, he followed Joe up the stairs.

" Where ur yie ya bastard? Naebody cuts ma water aff oan a Monday. Cut ma water aff and A'll cut yir fuckin baws aff, Where urr yie ya bastard!"

Joe yelled this as he climbed the stairs. Meanwhile on the top landing,the plumber turned to Mr Johnston and said, " Git inside the flat and keep ahint the door. A'll haud the nutter aff while you phone the polis."

The plumber lifted the length of copper pipe and took up his post at the top of the stairs. While holding the pipe out like a lance, he called down to Auld Joe.

" Don't come up here ya mad bastard, the auld guys oan the phone tae the polis, they'll be here the noo."

" Fuck the polis. Git that water oan or a'm huvin yir baws in a jam jar."

Joe turned the corner and seeing the plumber was armed, gave Joe the incentive to attack. As he charged, he yelled the time honoured and much revered Scottish battle cry, a call heard on battlefields from Bannockburn to modern day Afghanistan, A yell designed to put the fear of death into the enemy. Joe howled at the top of his very loud voice,

" Die! ya fuckin smelly, shitey arsed bastaaaard! "

He flew up the stairs. At the top, he spun, his right hand with the knife, knocked the pipe out of the plumber’s hands and sent it flying into the corner. With his left foot, he swept his feet away. His right foot, he placed firmly on the plumber’s chest, and forced him slowly but resolutely onto his back.

Joe, now screaming, crossed both blade filled hands, scissor-like at either side of the plumbers neck, just as the move to decapitate was about to proceed, Joe suddenly calmed, and said.

" Is that you Laurence?"

" Eh!-- Aye. Uncle Joe, it's me, oh God, Oh thank God, Uncle Joe, it is me it's Eddie yir brother's boy, aye, Laurence Hawthorne, yir nephew."

" Up yie git son,A'm sure we can soart sumthin oot. "

" Oh aye uncle Joe, nae bother, as soon as a go hame and change ma troosers,"

" Aye dae that son, but make sure yie turn the water oan afore yie go."

" Aye right away uncle Joe, two minutes."